OK. Hi I am new here. I sat down this morning looking at my 149 days clean and thought, wow I am really doing good. But then my next thought scared me. I really wanna get high. But the thing that scared me the most about that or maybe yet even really confused me, was that I wasn’t talking about my normal DOC, I was wanting to use an upper. And that is soooooo not like me. Someone offered it to me in my training class for my new job the other day and I turned it down easily. Not only because I’m absolutely loving my new sober life, and I’m on drug court, but because It’s Most DEFINITELY Not my DOC. Yet I sit here and see my sober time and still start craving. And it’s an extreme in my gut, sweating palms, stomach turning and flipping craving. This has never happened to me. I just started Journaling last week because I wanted to see my progress. But I really need help with this because I’m scared of myself, scared of my thoughts. Why crave an upper instead of my beloved downer… Can anyone please help with this. I’ll take any advice I can get right now… Please and thank you…
Welcome, @Sunshine7281. What you describe isn’t unusual.
For me, it was often a matter of forgetting. Not remembering why I was seeking sobriety.
Someone suggested to me to write it out: What did I feel using was taking away from me, short term and long run? When I got sober, what did I hope to find instead?
Something about putting it down on paper helped with that, made it real. And it gives me something to look at in those moments when I forget. Usually that my instinct was to change the way I feel instead of changing myself and the situation so I wouldn’t have to feel that way anymore. To live working toward better days instead of trapped in the cycle.
You wanted to stop for a reason, yeah? Maybe write those feelings out and see it on paper while it’s fresh.
Welcome to the forum, Summer!
Welcome Summer. Big huge congratulations on your 149 days. That’s awesome. Don’t know if I can help you about your DOC or craving a different DOC.
But I remember back when I was slogging through sobriety. The first few months and milestones were so exciting! Then the slog of maintaining sobriety and also fantasizing about drinking some time in the future like on a vacation or being with family. I couldn’t get those fantasies out of my head. It was really driving me nuts.
And I’d jus keep thinking. “I’m not drinking today! And I’m probably not drinking tomorrow.” Now when I catch myself fantasizing I change things up. Maybe change the music I’m listening to. Change where I’m sitting. Drive a different car. I don’t know. Just mix up the brain and taking the pressure off this ugly word “forever” has help me.
Keep reading and posting around here. Lots of great support if you like.
Hey, welcome!
Early on, these thoughts happen, the conversations with yourself happen, situations where temptation rears it’s ugly head happen. But they don’t have to, or maybe more appropriately, thy don’t have to hold any power over you.
The more you tell yourself “I don’t do XYZ” the more it becomes a part of you.
As for me, I don’t drink. I tell myself that I don’t drink. I tell others, I don’t drink. I don’t say I quit drinking, or I don’t drink anymore, simply, I don’t drink. It seems that adding ‘anymore’ or saying you quit implies that, perhaps, you could do it again, especially to other addicts/alcoholics.
Saying “I don’t drink or drugs” makes an absolute statement and creates hard boundaries for yourself, and others.
Say it loud, say it proud!
Congrats on 149 days! w00t w00t!!