yes I feel sick. yes I feel awful. but this is what I get. who am I if not sick? as scared as I am it’s satisfying. I’ve never felt this weak in my life yet I’ve never felt so reassured I’m doing the right thing. i know I need food to be healthy. i don’t want to be healthy. i want withering skin and bones. i want the room to spin everytime I stand. i want pain and exhaustion. I will not be truly convinced I’m truly sick until my heart is failing. who cares what I’ve been told and diagnosed with. i will not believe I’m sick enough until it’s worst case scenario. it doesn’t need to make logical sense to feel right.
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Please seek help lady, you deserve help. That little voice in your head knows you should. In another topic you said you would go to emergency if you felt the same tomorrow. So please do!
You deserve better. Don’t let it slip further.
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I understand the feeling of no longer caring about the body you are in. Of kinda enjoying damaging it. It is a very low place to be in, and you must seek help. You can still be you free from the ED. You need to take steps, small ones at first, to want to love and protect yourself. We are all worthy people, and deserve a healthy body and happy life. But they have to be worked for.
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I see a lot more insight and honesty in this post than in your last one so I’m really proud of you. I think that’s an important development for someone with ED. It’s that cry for help you’re turning your body into, that visible mark of your emotional unwellbeing - it’s good to become aware of the fact that this is what you’re doing. You’re not trying to be healthy or change your ED, becusee you are still v much relying on the function it fulfills for you: to express your inner state, the “I don’t care about myself” “I am worthless” “I am the worst”
As I have said before, i can deeply relate to this self-loahting. You are not alone in this. 
there is absolutely nothing I can say or anyone can say to make this self-loathing less. There is very little you yourself can do to make it less right now. But I think what you can do and what is crucial is to continue therapy and make everything associated with your ED, all the feelings and needs, ever more conscious. The more you can say these things, feel and think them consciously, the less you will need to express them with your body, the less you will be in the grip of your ED and unable to change your behaviour.
In that respect I think your post is indicative of progress and I’m proud of you.
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In an earlier post (maybe a few weeks ago) you said nobody takes your ED seriously because you are not underweight.
I can relate to this. I have complicated issues with food myself. And most of the time I am not underweight either. I actually have been “healthy” or “over” in weight most of my adult life, but that doesn’t take away from the restrictions or altogether refusing eating that i have subjected my body to.
I hope you can accept help from a professional. And I know that this can be scary and seem like the wrong thing, but please feed yourself each day. Even if it’s one meal, you will feel better and in turn have more energy to do things that will help you get to a healthier body.
Sending lots of 
your way
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Hey Megan, it’s difficult to find the right words and there are already a lot above me… 
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It doesn’t sound good how you are feeling these times. Maybe you can just eat a little bit? Something you realy like.
Sweet @Twizzlers always used the words to me “maybe you can eat a little”. 
Girl, you need some energy for this crazy world around us. Thinking of you. Hugs! 
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Hi
Thinking of you
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I hear what your saying but I truly have a hard time believing that all those things you want (the spinning room, the pain, the exhaustion etc) is REALLY want you want for urself. Because if that was the case, than you wouldnt be posting this, looking for support, and feeling trapped like ur title says. I dont think any of us truly want harmful stuff to happen to us (either from our own doing or others doing). I could be wayyy off… but i know that the pain and suffering of things happening in my past, wether it be addiction or disorders or whatnot became very comfortable for me. I knew they were harmful but it was all i knew and anything outside of that pain and suffering was unknown territory and very uncomfortable to be in. Being happy? Uncomfortable. Eating normally? Uncomfortable. Not getting high? Uncomfortable. Being in a healthy relationship? Uncomfortable. So from what im reading from ur post… im maybe getting the sense that this is whats happening. That uv lived this way for sooo long, that anything other than what ur used to experiencing is Uncomfortable. The thing is, is that the only way to break this cycle, is to step outside ur comfort zone. I had to literally force myself to do the opposite of what i really wanted to do. And keep doing it until it became my normal. Your eating disorder can kill u. And i know that ur struggling in alot of areas of ur life, but u have sooo much more life to live where things can be sooo different for u! Challenge ur “usual” thinking and say to urself… i deserve better than what im doing to myself. I deserve to eat and fuel my body with good food. I deserve to save up my money and get out of a toxic environment. U deserve alot more than u realize bcuz ur an incredible, caring, sweet person. I know this is a looong comment lol but ur post reminded me alot of what i used to feel and i wanted to maybe shed some light in the sense that, even tho u may feel uncomfortable now doing the things that u need to do to be healthy (like eating), those things overtime become normal and comfortable. Our bodies are very good at adapting. We just need to challenge our thinking 
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you’re definitely right, I’m terrified of anything different. i feel like I’d rather live through this hell because it’s familiar and feels comfortable
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