It’s my third time sobering up. I have been aware that I couldn’t stop for now around 8years.
First time I sobered up because I wanted to prove someone something; pride. I quit for 5 months, relapsed for around 8. Quitting seemed easy.
Then I quit a second time, I am not sure why, but I started then to realise that I was not going to be able to keep living like that for very long. Quitting was easy somehow. I had a better lifestyle and started feeling really happy. Then I relapsed because I made the decision to start having flatmates and once I moved in I felt trapped.
I relapsed for 5 months. Now I am 17 days sober. But it’s not like the other times. This time I had serious suicidal thought before sobering up and I really felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. Now I spend an incredible amount of time just walking and thinking. I feel like I am opening my eyes on the fact that I am living in a matrix that I created myself. It is frightening, and sometimes also very comfortable. It’s hard to describle. I also feel extremely tired, even after 3 weeks and I finally come to realise that what I’ve been doing all this time is absolutely not a joke, it’s serious.
I am lost. I would like to know whether what I’m going through is normal, or am I crazy ? Also I would take advice on what to do, and how to deal with that.
You are not alone! Your emotional experiences sound a lot like mine in the beginning. I have now been sober for more than 10 months. I believe this suicidal thoughts you’ve had were normal as they were playing a major role in your eye opening. My best guess is you dopamine levels are low, as your brain does not currently receive its usual “drug”, which can lead to depression-like state. Its absolutely normal and it improves with time, but if you feel things are getting out of control instead of improving my advise is to seek help (therapy, groups, etc.)
I felt like sh*t during the first couple of months. To help myself in the process, I made to-do list for each day, tried to eat healthy and cook more at home. I started experimenting with new recipes. I bought fish and tank and started a hobby. I started to put order in my everyday life step by step, one step at a time. And most of all, I’ve started to do things I enjoy for myself only, but it’s only because my addiction got worse because of burnout and post-birth depression, so I needed rest and some me-time to be able to recover.
It’s very individual, but I would strongly recommend to find a hobby, get more vit D and embrace self-love and self-care.
Congratulations for your 17 days of sobriety. That’s awesome. If you have things that scare you and that you’re worried about it’s good to talk to your family doctor about it if you’re able to. Be safe with yourself and do what you can to keep yourself safe and your sobriety. Lots of help for you here at the site also but best you talk to a professional in addition to.
Thanks for your feedback. I decided to try and go to a group meeting on Thursday. You’re right, I also need to take care of myself more now.
Yeah, maybe I should talk about it with the doctor. But it does not feel like a GP thing and therapy requires 6 weeks of sobriety. I was more wondering about other people’s experiences I guess.
The tiredness, yes it’s normal. Omg I was exhausted at the very beginning even though my sleep improved greatly. I think I didn’t feel so exhausted around the end of week 5, start of week 6. I know it sounds like a long time but it is worth it. I was feeling every emotion hard all day throughout that & that was exhausting too. It settled down. I’m still quite emotional but I can handle it sort of… I’m 110 days sober so it’s all still brand new.
Also just remember you are not your thoughts. We all have weird or scary thoughts now & then, they do not define us.
You’re doing the right thing coming on here to ask questions, interact & get/give support. It’s an amazing space
I used frightening in my first message, I want to clarify a bit. It’s not panic, it’s not axious, I am not freaking out. It’s more like the feeling you get when you get to the plot twist at the end of the movie.
It’s a weird feeling. Not one that I want to run away from, like fear, actually. It’s frightening like when you walk outside with heavy wind, you can’t hear, you can’t really face it, but at the same time it feels true, authentic.
I might want to understand this feeling a bit more with time. I could also try and describe it better then. Thanks for reading.
Up there you also said that you understand that what you’re doing is serious. Maybe the feeling you have is just a feeling of yes this is real and you are living a sober life right now and hopefully every day as the day’s are going on. And maybe that’s kind of what gives you that feeling, because it’s a different type of life for you , and as somebody said up above, learn to embrace yourself and love yourself sober. As time goes on, you might see that this new life of being sober is great and wonderful and what you want for your life. And that leaving the rest behind is OK and good. That the story ends up having a really, really nice ending.
I hope it gets a nice ending ! The realisation of how serious it is is also, somehow, I think, me getting out of an incredible denial. See, I, from the most sincere place of my heart, have spent what seems like my whole life gaslighting myself into believing a story that justifies my behaviours.
It is incredibly different to feel this relisation than it is to read it from other people, I have the impression.
This gaslighting has really diverted me from seeing how shitty I feel, how much I sabotage my own life, my relationships and how I push away people who, often clumisily and angrily, try more or less hard to tell me the truth.
