It’s funny. I thought after sailing through my first year of sobriety, that my mood and motivation would stay positive more easily than before. I have always struggled with depression, and drinking made it worse. The last year I’ve been able to find joy again, real ability to laugh to the point of tears, joke around, and just smile because my mood makes me smile.
But the last week has illuminated how fragile I still am. I have not yet felt tempted to drink, but I am mourning the loss of a friend to suicide and was not prepared to deal with tragic loss in this manner. He was not a best friend, but I worked on his house, sailed with him and raced against him, and had many great conversations over the years. He has a wife and child, and runs 2 bakeries … and he drank. A lot. I think this is what’s bumming me out. He was troubled, and he showed it, but what can anyone do for a drunk, really? Maybe it’s that I’m seeing myself in him and overly empathizing, I don’t know. But man, it has seriously affected me and I’m scared I’m going to nosedive. I’m still taking my antidepressants, but I’m in a dark place in spite of it. Please send positive vibes. xo
I am so sorry to hear of your friend’s suicide. What a heartbreaking end to his struggle.
I think most people who grieve for someone who died through suicide or overdose are left wondering if there was something they could have done. I know I ponder this daily since my son’s overdose death last year.
I think ultimately, and sadly, the answer is usually no.
Grief is just plain hard. I started drinking again the week after my boy died. But it didn’t make it more tolerable or more sensical.
Sending those positive thoughts your way.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. In general, suicide leaves those of us left behind with a lot of questions and angst…a lot of what ifs and I wonder ifs. And grief in general stirs up our emotions in outsize ways that can make us feel more than a little confused and fragile. Be gentle with your self…maybe try to get out in nature and take some walks when you can. Nature, sunshine and fresh air can help us heal body, mind and soul.
We are all so lightly here. If we all could save others, the world would be a different place. Alas, we all have free will to do as we will with our lives. Love those you love and most especially your self. Let people know you care, however that works for you and your situation. We cannot save others, but we can cultivate open loving conversations with people in our sphere and that is healing for all of us.
