Well here I am AGAIN. Another relapse. Didn’t drink Friday even though everyone else was. Had myself stocked up on seltzers for the night. Saturday rolls around and I meet my friend for a late lunch as he had recently been laid off of work unexpectedly (we worked together) and ended up emotional drinking with him. I should mention that Saturday morning I had a horrendous fight with my wife so I was upset when I met with him. Pounded 2 beers (8% ABV) at lunch, knew my family was having a cookout/party in the backyard so stopped at the liquor store and picked up a pack of spiked seltzers (in the false hopes of controlling myself?!) and proceeded to drink all of those as well as the remaining beer in my house from the last relapse. Said mean things to my wife (typical) and woke up Sunday with regret and my wife wanting nothing to do with me again. Somehow she’s agreed to stay with me through this, and I’m grateful, but I’m beginning to worry what this is doing for her mental health and wellbeing as I can be VERY mean and hateful, all while blacked out. Christ. What the hell is wrong with me? I regret even starting this journey in the first place. Overcoming the relapses are worse than when I even began my journey last December.
Hey @kpear826,
I am glad you are still trying and I think you are glad too since you are still posting. Giving up doesn’t feel very good.
It just takes time to establish better habits. For example I have been on a weight loss journey for 2 years and 8 months. Like @Oliverjava mentioned I think you want to look at what to do differently with alcohol.
Specifically I see lots of triggers in your post: Being around alcohol on a Friday, beer still in the house, meeting your friend at a place that serves alcohol and going to the family cook out where alcohol was being consumed. Early in your recovery you probably want to avoid most of those situations for a while and especially avoid having to deal with 4 of them in a 24 hour period! That would have been too much for a lot of us here.
@kpear826 Don’t beat yourself up about it just move on and keep trying. It took me 10 years to get sober I’ve been clean an sober for almost 28 years know so it can be done. I am a firm believer of going to 90 meetings in 90 days. This is what helped me when I finally hot serious about staying clean.
Thank you everyone for the advice. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you slip and have to get back up and face the music. I always write off my behavior as “oh I was drunk so my judgement was impaired” and my wife always reminds me that it was sober me who decided to pick up that drink. That’s where I have to shut those thoughts down. And @Oliverjava I LOVE the notion of switching from what’s wrong with me to what can I do differently! What an important mental switch. I tend to get so down and dwell on the fact that I am constantly “messing up” and that only helps perpetuate this whole ugly cycle. I will try to go with that mindset from this point on 
Messing up and slipping suck so much. I like the statement your wife made about sober you picking up the first drink. That’s so true. I also tend to dismiss my drunk behavior…must help me feel justified…like I’m not the only one who’s messed up.