I was at a friends house last week and i got a call from my brother telling me my mom was acting wierd. Turns out she ate a lot of pills even gave our dog some. I told my Brother to call an ambulance and she was fine. I have problems trusting her now. I dont know what to feel really. At first i felt a lot of hate. I got so mad because i think it’s so unneccesary to drag my brother into it. I dont know how to handle this really. Im supposed to move out again but i feel like i would abandon my family. I would really apreciate any advice or anything that might help with my constant anxiety.
That is hard. I don’t have good advice, but it is ok to feel what u r feeling and do what is best for u. Would u move far from ur mum? What other support does she have?
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. I grew up witnessing multiple suicide attempts by my mother. She was successful in 2012. I spent years making decisions and living a certain way that I hoped would keep her safe. I stayed nearby for college, was heavily involved with her medication management, and advocated for her during her psychiatric hospitalizations. She asked for and/or welcomed these things. It was a very codependent and unhealthy relationship. In the end I was just so angry, angry I couldn’t save her and angry I was put in a position where I felt responsible for saving her.
In hindsight, I wish I got the mental health help I needed at the time so I would’ve understood how to support her and my own well-being, how to set healthy boundaries with her, and how to process her struggles with mental health without internalizing them into guilt and resentments.
If you have the opportunity, I recommend seeing a professional to work through whatever might be coming up for you right now. It could be affecting you a lot more than you realize.
Well i relate to a lot of what you are saying. Ive tried to get her some help but she dosent want any psychiatrist or anything. Her meds are now being taken care of. My Brother lives with her but he is almost as miserableas her. They drink alot. Convinsed my brother to stop drinking but i fear my mom will start again as soon as she gets money for it. So i feel stuck here and i have a lot of issues on my own. Still recovering from a 3 year mixed drug addiction. Very hard to be the sane one when they have never even touched a joint. I feel like im the only one trying youknow. Very sorry to hear about your mom
She probably has a lot of friends that would help her but she denies everything. I have to watch out here because my brother doesent help with anything. I used to live away and be alot at my friends house. But it only makes things miserable here they dont clean around the house they sleep at daytime and they are mostly up from bed when they have alcohol. I have no idea what i will do really
I think u need some boundaries, I can do a and b to help, I can’t do c, so I won’t feel guilty.
Thanks @Jane.c for ur advice from a similar situation. Sorry both of u went, or are going thru this.
I think the first best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to be sober through this. I unfortunately used drugs and alcohol to cope with all of this for years and all it did was confuse and complicate the situation. It’s really admirable that you’re fighting to improve yourself while dealing with this situation. I definitely used my focus on my mother and her issues as a distraction and excuse not to face my own shit so it’s really so great you’re focusing on your sobriety now.
I also recommend setting healthy boundaries, if you are planning on continuing to live with them or not. You are not responsible for their well-being and that doesn’t mean you don’t love, support, or care for them. I definitely relate to feeling like you’re the only one trying, that’s why it is so so important to set those boundaries and let go of any expectations. Ultimately, their decisions are theirs to make and it can be very hurtful and frustrating for you if you try to control their actions. Wishing the best for you and your family.
While suicide is not an element of thinking in my family, that effort to pretend that “I don’t have something that needs attention; I’m fine, it’s nothing” or that self-minimization that leads inevitably to neglect (and escape through addiction and/or self-harm / suicide) is present. (I’m not sure if you’d describe it in exactly those terms - and feel free to let me know if I’m off the mark; I know how complex and personal this is!) It’s this effort to erase oneself from existence. It’s exceedingly frustrating. And it creates so many problems arising from neglect of legitimate personal needs
You got mad because your mother wanted to kill herself that seems like such a shitty thing to say she is CLEARLY struggling it dosent matter who she pulled in to it your job is to be there for her and help her not be upset at her you could have lost your mother but you’ll sit there being pissed off at her yeah it sucks and you can be upset but you shoupsjt be mad at her it takes alot of shit to push someone to take there life just think about her pain too
I think what the OP is trying to describe is the heavy, hard, real, difficult feelings arising from codependency. The feelings are hard. They’re complex and multi-layered. And they’re legitimate. They don’t make the mother’s troubles less real. But the feelings are hard nonetheless. It’s a complex, painful situation for everyone
Yeah it is painful but to say your mad about it if you show anger to someone that tired to kill themselves its likely they will try again he should be doing his best to talk to her and understand why she feels like this not blam her for being depressed
We first have to be grounded in ourselves before we can help others. He did the right thing, reaching out for emotional support in his sober community (here on Talking Sober), so that he can get his feet on the ground, and manage his emotions first.
You can’t take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself.
I would not bother her in anyway i do everything i can to help her. I am mad at her anyway. I dont hope you think i would pyschologicaly abuse her in that way…
I think it’s important not to shut down someone’s feelings, especially anyone in recovery from addictions to drugs and alcohol. Many recovering substance abusers are just learning how to accept and connect with their emotions.
Anger is a very normal and healthy emotion, what isn’t helpful is when we try to ignore or repress it. Accepting and acknowledging you are angry also doesn’t mean you are going to act out in anger towards someone else.
This quote comes to mind:
“In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we feel angry. We don’t have to let anger control us, but it surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.”
This is a really powerful post, thank you for sharing your perspective and wisdom.