My mom makes me fucking insane, and i know she doesnt mean to. I struggle with so much guilt bc i avoid talking to her. I know that all she wants is this magical mother/daughter relationship but i cant give it to her. She so badly needs to deal with her own traumas and seek therapy for herself but she lives in a constant state of denial. Half the time i avoid her calls, and the other half the time i just tune her out while she talks until its been an acceptable amount of time that i feel like i can end the call. On the rare time that we actually have a “real convo” it ends up with me getting so upset and angry and her crying and then inevitably i feel like the bad guy bc i gave her a dose of truth she wasnt prepared for.
This is what happened last night, and i ended up with trauma nightmares all night and its been bothering me all day.
Having done a lot of work and therapy with myself, i have forgiven her for so much, and it hurts me to not be able to give her the relationship she craves from me. She doesnt really have anyone besides my brother and I, but i also cant seem to make her understand that until she can find happiness and peace within herself, she wont ever be able to have what she wants from me. Even tho i have forgiven her for a lot, i still find myself very closed off with her and i know i have a lot more work to do to heal that as well.
Im not really sure what im looking for by way if a response, but i felt like there must be people that can relate.
Well its always better to talk about it here versus internalizing it and reaching for alcohol or drugs to cope. It sounds like you have accepted things that she has not…A lot of what remains is on her account and not yours.
Thanks, its just hard to make her understand that i cant give her what she needs. She thinks that if we talked more or had a better relationship things in her life would be better, but until she deals with these issues in herself it wont be. Its been a long time now where i have felt like the parent in the relationship and i shouldnt have to… ugh lol
Maybe you guys should try out family therapy as a group chick ? I know therapy does help a ton but yeah I can relate to you with the relationship with my mom it’s improved alot im above the move back in with her with my two year old son
I can relate with you 100%
I have an adoptive mother with of which I have no relationship with presently. I have tried and tried to have a relationship with her and her husband, my stepDad. But it just wasn’t worth my peace anymore. I do believe that if it was my biological mother I would have tried to have a relationship with her harder. I have recently had a cousin reach out to me and ask how my Adoptive mom was but I told him we no longer have a relationship. He told me he knows how hard it was when he lived with them and always admired how positive I remained with them being so negative and hard to deal with. Family is hard and I wish you well with whatever choice you make.
We live 800 miles apart, but more than that she has been oposed to any sort of liscensed therapy. She thinks her christian counselors at church know all the answers. Thats a big part of our arguments. I do not at all doubt that her christian outlets help her, but she really needs a liscensed trauma therapist and i cant convince her that someone who went to school and trained thousands of hours may have answers for her that her church can not.
Yeah I def can understand that! Your mom sounds like a stubborn Taurus if you ask me lol haha and that’s what horoscope/zodiac sign my mom i. A cancer/leo and my son is a Taurus believe that one or not may 1 st lol. Mom’s Aug 26th. What’s your sign!?!? Yes I am very big into zodiac !!!?
I can relate to this. My sister got poop’d into a church counselor “therapist” and it did tremendous damage to many people. They are not qualified to deal with other peoples traumas and do more damage much of the time than not. Hang in there. You are doing a great job with your boundaries and protecting your sobriety.
Thank you, im trying. Venting it out is helping she just gets so defensive about it when i try to explain that a church counselor is not the same. She takes it as “my ongoing prejudice” against religion and this time threw in how “she can never talk about her faith with me”. She isnt really wrong there as i try to avoid it to avoid just this situation lol.
My mom did not keep my siblings and I safe. And I don’t think I can ever really truly forgive her for that.
I am trying hard now to get to a place where I can have peace in my relationship with mom. A lot of years of a lot of angst and anger have passed. I’m 58 now and she is 77. She has tried to acknowledge her role, but she always qualifies it.
These days I try to anchor myself in boundaries that help me steer clear of upset. I try to stick to my needs in our interactions and I’ve been able to be a bit more direct with her in a decent way.
“Mom, im going to tell you something that worries me these days. I need you to just listen and then reassure me”
“mom, im looking for options on a situation in my life. I need to hear ideas about what I can try next. I don’t have space right now to evaluate how I got to this place. I’ve done that already”
My mom knows we are working on this, so she tries to go along. When she can’t or won’t, I change the subject and make a decision that this is not something I’m going ti perseverate on. That is not easy.
I’m attempting to establish boundaries, communicate my needs, and stay out of resentment. This takes a lot of work and a lot of effort. It also means I get all my emotional support from other people in my life.
Sometimes it works!
You are not alone. A lot of us turned to substances because we did not get important needs met as children and didn’t really know how to access support as adults.
I’m still learning. And I’m grateful that I get to do this work. Gratitude practices have helped me let go of a lot of my anger. I hope they can help you too.
Thank you for this. Boundaries are something i need to keep reminding myself about. I should express those boundaries to her and myself a bit more clearly so that we can be on the same page, or at the very least so that i can explain to her when she has crossed them. Wishing you continued peace on this jojrney with your mom
If you really feel like she needs help and its more toxic than not when you talk/visit w/ her than i would give her an ultimatum. Get help and we can have a relationship or dont and i will have to put up boundaries so you can no longer hurt me or disrupt my life. Thats what i would do atleast
haha and that’s what horoscope/zodiac sign my mom i. A cancer/leo and my son is a Taurus believe that one or not may 1 st lol. Mom’s Aug 26th. What’s your sign!?!? Yes I am very big into zodiac !!!?