@PinkFirefly I ordered This Naked Mind, and it will be delivered tomorrow. Yay!!
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I appreciate the question. I guess several things are allowing it to stick so far…
After decades, the first thing I came to grips with was - my wanting to quit would never be enough to make me quit. Similarly, I realized I would never have enough willpower to quit.
That may sound cliche, but it was a critical understanding for me. I just wasn’t ever going to be strong enough, or have enough desire or willpower to not act out when the opportunity presented itself.
That led to the second critical understanding for me… My sobriety was never going to be about fighting against an action. For me, it had to become about putting all my effort into fighting for the steps or actions that would keep me sober.
So, I try to come here to this community every single day to read something that supports my sobriety. I also try to make the time to post, comment, or support others here - although I don’t always succeed at that…
I do these things especially when I don’t feel like it, especially when I’m triggered or tempted, because that’s what I need to do to remain sober.
I also make myself reach out to other people, in order to support them - on this community, but especially in real life. Addiction has made me a completely selfish, self-centered human - so, I have to make myself think about other people, and how I affect other people by my actions…
This is absolutely necessary, because it trains my mind to think outside myself, and it trains me to do hard things - things I don’t feel like doing.
I hope that sobriety will become easier over time. But for me, right now, I have to do these things - especially when I don’t want to - so that I will not be pulled down by the addiction.
My whole focus has changed because of these simple things…
I’m no longer focused on trying to avoid something - now, I’m focused on trying to pursue something - something productive, that helps my life and the lives of others.
I hope this helps; wishing you the best!
EDIT: I have also found trigger-actions that I make myself do whenever I am triggered or tempted - at home, I get a quick, light dumbell workout; outside, I text an ally or friend, to see how they’re doing; I check in here to see how everyone is doing in this community…
These actions kind of redirect the flow of my thoughts, so I’m not fighting a thought, but instead I’m changing the subject in my mind - sometimes, it takes all day, but eventually the negative thought will pass.
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I’ll be reading as many resources as I can get my hands on. I’ll try meetings again and journaling. I can’t drive right now, but I can do online meetings. I will come here and often.
For the rest of the day I will remain focused on my #1 goal, to stay sober this day. I will drink my water from a crystal wine glass at supper. I will find something to do with my hands while I watch TV tonight (reading some of the resources provided, mindless games on my phone, or cross-stitching). I will pray before bed and every time that addict voice begins to speak tonight. I’ll go to bed early if I have to. Tomorrow will be day 2.
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That’s very insightful! I absolutely have been looking at this as something I’m fighting against.100% have been thinking this way. Thank you for sharing all that! So it’s not like running away from something bad but rather running towards something good. I’m gonna put that as my first line in the journal tonight.
Trigger actions. I need to do that, too. Something quick but useful. I’m going to come up with some ideas tonight when I’m writing that might work. Thanks again!!
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I hope it resonates with you as much as it did me! Like I said don’t quit quitting! I am glad you are coming back here and I know you can do this. Don’t feel like you ever have to explain anything to me. 
I just offer what has helped me quit drinking because taking advice from others is how I got sober. You will ultimately figure it all out. Just know that it is really hard early on but gets SO much better once you get some sober time.
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I use to take very long very hot showers around just before dinner time. You know. Happy hour. I would stay in that shower and usually cry for about 20 minutes. I wouldn’t come out til I was wiped out. And I too would use one of my favorite wine glasses filled with sparkling water while I cooked a healthy meal. I also did a lot of house cleaning at night. Wish I had that energy back. Cleaning toilets before bed. Never give up. But you do need to change and mix things up.
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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.
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@PinkFirefly I listened to the preface given on audible. It described me perfectly. I’m hoping to get a lot out of it. I can hardly wait! No audible subscription, but I ordered a paperback. Thank you for the suggestion!
@Dazercat I definitely need to mix it up. This would be my happy hour as you call it. All the family is home and 2 hours till our evening meal. A shower sounds really nice right now. I’m gonna do that! By the way, that’s an excellent read! I was reading it, then it disappeared. Lol… I’m like wait a minute! Then it was there again. Thanks! That’s getting placed somewhere that I can see it every day for awhile. Thank you.
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That happens when someone is editing their post while someone is reading it. I actually had to edit it 3 times or so. I wanted to get it right.
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Please tell that good for nothing addict voice to stfu. You are worthy of sobriety and you are worthy of living a happy addiction free life. You are NOT pitiful. Our stupid addiction really does not pull any punches when its trying to dig its claws into us. You CAN overcome it. You CAN fight those thoughts / urges!
The main thing is to have coping outlets available to you. Make a list that you can post in various spaces cause when you are in the thick of it the mind kind of shuts off and can’t remember what is needed.
For me - the list said things like
- walk
- bake/ cook
- puzzle
- knit
- TS threads
- call someone to talk
- read
- Sleep
- shower
your list can be catered to you. Just know that the urges do not last. If you keep yourself in the same space then they can fester so it is best to change up what you are doing and give your mind something else to focus on.
Deep breathing and yoga are helpful to calm down our inner selves.
It may be useful to talk to your husband and ask him to not give you any alcohol if you ask. Instead he can show you your list to help you find a different outlet for your urges.
So grateful that you are not giving up on yourself. Grateful you are fighting for Day 1. Keep showing up for yourself friend - you are worth it! 
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I love the phrase “we don’t shoot our wounded”. You are worth our (and your) time and effort. Everyone on this app has been in your day one shoes and we want you to succeed. Please don’t feel like you need to hide from us. We want you to stay accountable.
I can relate to the events leading to your most recent relapse. It was usually overwhelming emotions that got me to cave too. The first time you can sit with strong emotions through a craving I hope you can feel the power of that. It’s almost like the reactive excuses we give ourselves to drink are just that, excuses.
You have another exceptional hurdle here in the form of a husband who still drinks. As someone who drank problematically with my husband and is still with him in my sobriety I feel your pain. It helped me to start thinking of my situation as MY drinking problem or MY addiction. You will never be able to control your husbands actions, drinking, thoughts, triggers, or predisposition to try to keep you as a drinking buddy. You have to focus on yourself. Don’t take that first drink. Do keep talking.
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So true @TrustyBird!! Now that I don’t drink I am able to sit with strong emotions and work through them instead of drinking to avoid them. I feel like it’s my super power to be able to deal in the moment. 
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The first craving you actively deny is a magical thing. Mine was in a grocery store as I was slapping my own hand to stop it from automatically reaching for a bottle of wine. Once you can breathe through the moment and recognize it as a craving you can pretty much do just about anything. It’s a superpower.
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DAY 2!!! I’m so excited to get Annie Grace’s book today! Also I’m gonna see if I can find an online meeting sometime before my spouse gets home. I did not actually get to journaling yesterday. I should not have waited till bedtime. I’m too darn tired then. So I’m going to try again to do that, but do it much earlier in the day, thinking after lunch. I feel like I just climbed a small mountain with another similar mountain to climb today. All I gotta do is keep coming here to read, stay focused, go to the meeting, journal, make the list… So much to do I won’t have time to drink. 
It’s not really a lot to do, but it sounds like a lot when all I’ve been doing is watching Netflix and waiting on my injuries to heal. Wish me luck, y’all!
@JazzyS My bad self-talk has been a problem of mine for as long as I can remember being alive. I know at one time I was able to think a little better of myself (when I was seeing a therapist), but it wasn’t long till I was beating myself up again. That might be one of the things that has kept me in this situation with drinking. I can’t afford a therapist now, unfortunately. All I know to do is pray that God will help me. I love the short bullet list of things to do and having my spouse hand me the list instead of a drink. I think he will do that for me, too. Also great idea to put the list in several places. My ADHD symptoms are getting stronger now that I’ve stopped the medication. I do have a guided breathing app on my phone. I’ve only used it a couple times. I kind of forgot it was there. Thank you for all of your help.
@TrustyBird Your comments have me teary-eyed, not in a bad way. I feel like you get it. You get what’s laying there underneath. And I’m sure a lot of people get it. Just it touched me more this time. Hiding… That’s what I always do. Just crawl under a rock and drink like it’s a 2 week grief session, wallering in hatred of myself. I truly don’t want to do that anymore. I want and need the accountability for this to work. I see that now. I always said I could do this by myself, but history proves that statement wrong. And the hurdle with my hubby still drinking… You seem to understand that situation very well, too. I love him with all my heart. He is my best friend, and the thought of having to live my life without him is the scariest thought ever. He lived me in the same way, too. I wish he would do this with me, but I have to do it whether he does or not. You’re exactly right. This is MY problem, MY addiction. And I’m working on me, not him. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Thanks for sharing all that. It means more to me than you know.
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Woo-hoo! Day 2! Congrats! Five minutes at a time, you’ve got this!
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Day 2 is fantastic! Great work friend. 
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This is really good insight @OHsusieQ ! We have to get sober for ourselves first. But sometimes our partner is inspired by all of the positive changes they see in us as we get sober. Day 2 woop woop! I know you can stay sober today. You have tools in your arsenal now! You mentioned breathing exercises, I also have found these very effective in the moments where I am really being tested. Check in here if you need to. Look how far you have come from your first post. 
Your sober life is waiting for you and you have already made HUGE steps in getting there. 
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You are all so wonderful! Thank you for cheering me on. I just finished a meeting and they had a special speaker. Everything that person said resonated within me and all I could do was sit there and cry. But it was the kind of cry that’s more of an emotional release because others understand instead of crying because they don’t understand. This meeting was definitely different from the one I went to in the past. A lot of people participated and it didn’t seem as dead. 3 people offered phone numbers that are willing to sponsor but I don’t know what all of that is about really. Anyway the whole thing was encouraging. Feeling motivated…
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I haven’t commented yet your posts, but I’ve been reading all of your struggles and successes and just wanted to say I’m really proud of you! You’re doing so well right now and day 2 is huge! Keep going, you’re absolutely crushing it! Woot woot!
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Thank you. I’m much more encouraged than a few days ago. I feel like I’m being more proactive in it now, rather than trying to use willpower alone. And I can’t tell you how much all of you here, pushing me forward, really helps. Thank you.
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