This stuff is hard. I have struggled since March to stay sober for any time longer than 7 days. Here I am on day two again and wanting so badly to do something absolutely hysterical. I feel like I’m having a fall-apart. I like to tell myself that my drinking is mostly habit and I think that I have told myself that for so long that I believe it. But part of me says no, I need it. It’s not a habit. I just don’t know how to cope without it. I know in life we can always find people who are worse off than we are. I can always look at someone else’s story and say well at least I don’t have it that bad. Right? If anyone has read even a few of my poss lately, you know that I’m dealing with some injuries, some pain, no job at the moment, and also having some issues with our church family. I don’t think we will even be going back to that church anymore. So I feel like on top of everything else, I just lost a major part of my life. A major part of what keeps me going day to day. Without a super duper long background of a story, I just want to say I’m struggling today. What if I can’t be fixed?
Good you write in Susie.
I don’t know your story. But we can all be fixed.
My sponsor had a good one for me.
“To Compare Is To Despair.”
It’s not a contest. And it dues y do any good.
Admitting I’m 
powerless over drinking was my big first hurdle. After that first drink. All bets are off. One day. One hour. One minute at a time. Keep fighting for what you want. You’re worth it.
I think it’s such a huge step that you checked in here when you’re struggling.
Looking back, I feel like–yeah, drinking made my problems go away…for a little while…and then they came back worse. Even worse than before, actually, because I’d added being drunk and then hungover to the mix. 
You have so much on your plate. I don’t blame you for a second for thinking about turning back to something you’re used to. But you only have to get through 5 minutes at a time. And listen, if I can get sober (and it sure took many false starts) then you can, too. I have faith in you. We have your back!
Since you are on Day 2, I think it’s fair to say that this is your brain wanting what it is used to having. Once alcohol becomes a habit our brain wants us to take the path of least resistance because that is the most efficient way. You have to form new neural pathways that override the ones telling you that you have to give in because you “ can’t be fixed”. The truth is that you CAN be fixed but it won’t be easy, especially in the early days. I don’t know what you have tried but you will need more than just willpower. With all that you are dealing with it may seem like it would be good to take the edge off until some of your stressors are alleviated but in the long run alcohol makes anxiety and stress worse. SO much worse. And the longer we drink the harder it becomes to quit. There are online meetings if you don’t feel you can do in person meetings. They really do help and like I said we all need more than just willpower.
@PinkFirefly SO well said and important!!
Gentle hugs my friend. I know it feels like this is just how its gonna be and you feel like its a losing fight. Believe me, I among many others (Probably 99% of the forum) have been there. The addiction is strong and takes hold of our lives. It interweaves itself into our daily routines and habits. I honestly did not know that I could do anything without alcohol. How silly is that train of thinking? Mow the lawn, shovel the walk, cook dinner, relax, eat a meal etc — All had to be accompanied by alcohol.
The thought that you can’t be fixed is the addict talking. Trying to convince you of such lies. You certainly have it in you to stay sober. Day 2 is not small feat! It is harder when you are working on sobriety and your spouse is not.
Check out the thread Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?
You will get a lot of support here to help you stay sober even when your spouse is drinking. Al Anon is also a great tool here.
Look at the resources available to you to help you stay on the sober path. Keep connected here. I literally lived on these threads - reading and absorbing all the posts. It really helped me see the old timers stacking on time even with hardships happening and then seeing the new comers struggling like I was but putting a sober head to the pillow. SO inspirational. We are not alone. We just need to find our tools and what helps us get through the urges. We have to be more vigilant in our daily routines (if we can not change them ) so that we are prepared to say no to the drink put in front of us without us asking for it. To have your own non alcoholic drinks so you don’t feel fomo.
It is not an easy process but knowing that you will never have to go through the early days again is great incentive to stay on track.
Some say we need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable - I believe this is true but we also have to remind ourselves that nothing lasts — this too shall pass 
Keep showing up for yourself. Glad you posted here. Hope your day is turning out better … One moment at a time 
@Dazercat @PinkFirefly @Kjcj great shares. Eric, always love hearing your wisdom brother great words from your sponsor because it’s so easy to hear or read sobriety stories and play the compare game. The point of the shares is that we find connection points where our alcoholism patterns are similar to another’s regardless of the circumstances in the story. That’s the power in two alcoholics talking to one another because they have an understanding of each other that other people do not necessarily.
@OHsusieQ over the last two years of relapse I had so many false starts. I actually found by the third day I could never get the third day! So right where you’re at now. I’d get 2 days and then always the third day even if I didn’t plan it I’d find myself with a drink somehow it’s almost unexplainable except now I understand it’s a common pattern because my brain is wired at this point to crave alcohol.
Just keep fighting the good fight it gets better and 2 days is significant time! Whether you think so or not! 
Checking in here before you drink is huge. Talking about our cravings can take their power away.
Its normal to feel unfixable. Especially in early sobriety. We aren’t use to feeling all the feels. Sobriety is unknown. Change is scary. Drinking lies to us. it wants to keep us drunk. Its familiar.
Drinking didnt bring hapiness. Going back wont change that. You are stronger that you know. You keep coming back. That shows strength. 
Day 1 again. 
But I’m here. I couldn’t get back here in time to read all of your comments before I started up again. I sure wish I would have been able to though because I believe it would have made a difference in whether or not I picked up that first drink. I feel awful and very ashamed of myself but maybe admitting it here rather than running away is a good thing. It feels even worse that I’m having to tell you all that I’m back on day one, but maybe that’s what I need.
@Dazercat thank you for linking that post! I bookmarked it but I still don’t know how to get back to it without coming here and clicking on the link. I’d like to save it so I could get to it easily at any time. I guess I’m not very tech savvy. “To compare is to despair.” I never really thought about it like that. I kind of assumed that comparing myself to others would give me more motivation but I see that may not be the case.
@Kjcj Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I do believe I can do this but occasionally I just feel like I lose all hope. It’s very tiring to have to pick up the pieces again and again and again. It’s like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle but the pieces keep falling on the floor. And a little bit of me falls with it until I don’t resemble myself anymore. But somehow someway I keep getting back up and I’m hoping that that determination will do me well in the long run.
@PinkFirefly I have indeed been trying to do this by sheer willpower. I honestly have no clue what I’m doing, I just keep trying and hope that it sticks one day. I did go to an online meeting once and it just felt so extremely awkward and I didn’t get a lot from it. Granted, I only went to one so maybe it would have helped if I had went to others. Thank you for your insight.
@JazzyS I do understand what you’re saying. There are many things that I have felt like I just can’t do unless there’s alcohol involved. Probably one of the stupidest things was cleaning the house. It just doesn’t get done without it. Mexican restaurants… Does any beverage tastes good at all there except alcohol? I tell myself I’m not broken, that I can do this. Then before I know it, almost by surprise, I feel powerless. As I mentioned, I have no clue what I’m doing. I appreciate ALL the responses throughout these that you have given me. I look up to you and hope I can be where you are someday. I will do as you suggested and stay connected here and also check out the linked thread. Thanks.
@Jwfletcher4792 OMG .. Day 3! That’s EXACTLY when mine hits. If I can get past day 3, which is rare, it hits again at day 7. You might be on to something there. I need to make myself extremely busy on those days. I thought it was just in my mind but it may be something in the withdrawal timeline. Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement.
@JasonFisher This is the first time, I think, that I’ve ever come here first. I usually just do it and come back weeks later to try again. So I guess that is a small something, though I still failed. Again I’ll say, it may have been different if I had read the responses first. Who knows? I still may have failed. But I am here today, trying again. And my time distances between retrys has gotten incredibly smaller. For that, I’m thankful. You’re right.. Drinking didn’t bring happiness. I just thought it would. I hope I can look at the facts from here on out and tell my under demons to shut up. Thanks.
I’m here if you need to chat. I know the feeling. Hope you’re ok. 
I needed this. Without accountability we are just repeating our same addictive patterns. Keep trying. 
Alcohol gives us an easy way out. At first. A promise that life is easy when we drink. Then it becomes an addiction and thus becomes our prison, making life ever more unbearable. The only escape from that is sobriety.
I’m in discovery (my personal term for recovery) for 7+ years now, and I worked on a better life for myself pretty hard. Work that would be impossible was I still in active addiction. And I function so much better in all areas now. Still I’m not fixed. Was I fixed, my life would be completed. I’m happy I’m not fixed. I’m happy I’m sober so I can learn something every day. Keep going friend. You’ll find you way just as long as you keep working it. Hugs.
My heart goes out to you. And, I can completely relate to this feeling…
I was first exposed to my drug of choice at about 8 years of age. I’m now in my mid-fifties - I have been trying to put those puzzle pieces together, only to see them crash to the floor, for closer to 50 years than 40…
And, the puzzle pieces have only gotten more tattered and gnarly over time - making it even harder to try and put the pieces together.
I’ve literally tried thousands of times to quit - and I’ve failed every time - until now.
Meeting this community, and seeking their support and counsel, has been a life changing event for me. Not only has my knowledge increased, but my thinking is a bit different now.
I’m only about 68 or 69 days into my freedom/ sobriety. But, for me, that’s a small miracle.
I believe you may never be completely fixed - but I am confident, @OHsusieQ , that you can put yourself on a better track; you can begin to put those puzzle pieces together; and you can learn to live a sober life…
We believe in you; and we are here for you -
You got this!
@OHsusieQ Most of us don’t have a linear journey to sobriety. We fall and feel shame about it. We didn’t get to the place where alcohol became a problem in a short time. So we can’t expect recovery to be easy or swift. The absolutely good news is that if you never quit quitting then you WILL get there. Always remember your WHY. In the beginning here are the things that helped me the most: I read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. Total game changer!!! It explains how alcohol works on us mentally and how to break that cycle. I needed to know how to fight the demon that is alcohol. It is POISON after all. When cravings come ( and as you know they will) you have to do something that interrupts that thought process. For me it was jigsaw puzzles and coloring, taking a short walk outside, reading tons of quit lit books, listening to sober podcasts and coming to the forum. During that time I started doing guided meditation which has continued to help me even now at 911 days AF. Journaling all the feelings helps too because when you have a bad day you can look back and be reminded of how far you have come as you stack days together. You already have knowledge of the days that will be the hardest so have a strategy to keep yourself busy during those high trigger moments. Take a bath, go to bed early watch mindless tv. Try ALL the things and you will find what works for you. And lastly, and maybe even most importantly you have to put your sobriety first. That means no socializing where there is alcohol for awhile. No Mexican restaurants until you have some sober time under your belt. For me it was 3-4 months before I felt ready to try. It feels really weird at first not drinking in all those places you always drank so you need to be stronger in your sobriety before you can effectively navigate those scenarios. If you think too much about “never drinking again” it will make you feel hopeless so don’t future trip. Just do it ODAAT and wake up and do it again. If you never pick up that first drink you never have to feel how you are feeling right now. Welcome back to Day 1. Let’s go!
I am grateful that you see that it would have been beneficial to come here first and that by doing so you may have not taken that first drink. It really is all about the small steps we take that can lead to big rewards.
You are not giving up on yourself and that is something to be proud of. Welcome to day 1 my friend.
We have all gone through this roller coaster. It is not easy and that addict voice can make life super unbearable. Trying to convince you that you are no fun without it that you can’t do basic every day chores, activities without it that you need it to grieve or to celebrate that you have a routine and are blindly just falling into familiar ways. These are all lies that our addict voice feeds us. We are in control of ourselves and our actions. We do not owe anyone any explanation and can say NO to that first sip. Send back a drink that was delivered to your table without your request. Have a stash of non alcoholic drinks at home so you can grab those when you need a “drink” A cold La Croix can really do wonders.
Our stupid addiction tries to convince us that Mexican food can’t be enjoyed without alcohol or that Pizza has to have a cold beer etc… It really doesn’t! Food tastes so much better now that I am sober. I am actually tasting the flavors and enjoying being able to digest it without the slurry of alcohol in my system.
Keep putting in the work and keep showing up for yourself. I read here like my life depended on it. I got some great tips and found some useful resources.
The Stutz film on Netflix was a eye opener and helped me with starting my recovery with anger and coping skills. Reading “Quit Like A Woman” was also tremendously helpful.
Bottom line - Take it one day at a time (One moment at a time when needed) and reach out when you feel wobbly 
Now you know some things to try before you pick up that first drink. I’m glad your here @OHsusieQ!
Hey Susie.
I’m happy you came right back. And it sounds like you learned something new. And look at all that support!!
I save some of my important bookmarks to my iPhone notes app. That way I have them. And I can share them.
People here care a lot. And not only that it helps keep us sober. Relapses start way before that first drink. And yours did too yesterday.
Here’s another good one started by a fantastic woman here. She’s the toughest fighter I’ve seen. Stages of relapse
We got your back 
Hey there. I feel sick to my stomach to say I’m on day one yet again today. I don’t even know how I can face people here anymore. This is why I end up signing off and staying drunk for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. But I don’t want to continue to do that. I must be a worst addict than I ever thought because I’m on day one for three days in a row, knowing I have a strong desire for sobriety. It beats in my brain every day that I want to be sober but I keep on doing the very thing that I don’t want to do and that is to drink. My mind swirls and swirls with ideas of how to overcome this, with thoughts of wanting to overcome this, and with determination that I’m going to overcome this, and then in the very same day I feel like a complete failure and I can’t do anything right and everything in my world just feels like it’s falling to pieces. I have not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I swear that must be what it has to feel like. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. When I got injured, I had a bad medication complication with pain medicine and my ADHD medication or at least that’s what I thought the problem was. As it turns out my blood pressure had me almost in hypertensive crisis because of the pain I was in from my splint being too tight on my foot. I thought I was going to die and didn’t know what to do. I stopped taking the ADHD meds and now my doctor says I can’t just start taking them again because it was a high dose, high enough that if I start back on that level it could cause some serious problems with my heart. My brain feels like it’s constantly on a roller coaster, resting to sleep and that’s all the rest it gets.
I have to tell all of you this. Thank you for being here. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for allowing me to vent and to share what’s going on. I promise you I don’t want to drink anymore. I just don’t know how to stop. Yesterday I was doing really good. There were several errands that my husband and I had to take care of and he wanted to take me out to eat. I couldn’t believe it myself but I ordered water while I watched him drink three drinks in front of me. But I felt pretty good about that. No problem whatsoever. Then I came home and and we started talking about the church stuff again. And I just blurted out all of a sudden that I can’t take it anymore can you fix me a drink. So he did. I feel like the most pitiful excuse for a human being that has ever existed and sometimes my thoughts take me to some very dark places. I don’t feel worthy to even be fixed at all. Why would I be given that kind of mercy? I’ve done nothing to deserve to be sober. And even though that is so… I am making a promise right here and now to myself, and not only to myself, but to all of you as well…I WILL NOT drink alcohol today. Not in one hour, not at 5, not with dinner, not after dinner, no nightcap. Sober head to bed for this one night. I promise. I need you guys. I don’t have anyone else to hold me accountable and I do a terrible job of holding myself accountable. Trust me. I completely understand if you never respond to me again. Believe me I do.. But I promise I will end this day better than the last three. I will wake up in the morning and be able to say Day 2!
@jayfo Thanks. Same here… I’m open to chat. I may take you up on that.
@TrustyBird I do terribly need accountability. I am absolutely sinking without it.
@Mno I know that alcohol certainly won’t fix any of my problems. It always makes things worse. When I wake up the next day I always hate myself for what I have done. There is no logic in my thinking. Thank you for your kind words.
@EthanHunt Wow! That is wonderfully amazing that you have been able to quit now after so many tries. What made things really stick for you this time? I’m not playing around here… I really do want to stop. Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing that.
@PinkFirefly I understand what you’re getting at but it would be extremely difficult for me to not be in those types of situations since my husband is a drinker. In fact, the newest problem is that we’re now trying to decide where we can get a night away. We both love hiking but since I’m currently in a walking boot from an injury, I can’t very well do that. I don’t even know what people do on a vacation if they don’t hike, and especially if they don’t drink. We don’t have a whole lot of money so we were trying to plan a place within 2 or 3 hours from here and the only thing we can think of that did not involve hiking is a casino. However, drinks are handed out like free water. I’m trying to tell him this is a waste if we can’t go hiking but he’s insisting that we go somewhere because we may not get an opportunity to for a while. His dad lives with us and has dementia but he is currently in a rehab center because of a broken hip. When he comes home we won’t be able to get out like this. So I have no idea what to do what to say. I’m sure he’s beginning to think that I’ve lost my mind with the whole not drinking also since I still continue to do it even when I say I’m going to stop. I am going to see if I can find that book on Amazon even if I have to get a used copy. Thanks for hanging in here with me.
@JazzyS that addict voice is very convincing at times. I wish I could pound it over the head with a hammer. I’m making the promise to you, too, that I am not going to drink today. Maybe it really is just one moment at a time sometimes, but I want to claim today like my life depended on it because in some small way… I think it does. Stutz. I’ve never heard of that one but that will be the very next movie I watch. Thanks for the suggestions.
@JasonFisher I can tell that you’re going to be someone that I look for around here for encouragement or motivating words. Thank you.
@Dazercat you are right! I cannot believe how much support people have given me just on this one thread. I’m not going to let you down. Not even a single night cap before bed tonight. Thank you for all of the resources. I do just about everything on my phone but I do need to figure out how to bookmark things in such a way that I can get to them really easy. I do appreciate you and not just for your kindness to me, but I see you around encouraging everyone. Thank you for being you.
If any of you have managed to make it through this entire post then I applaud you. It was not my intention to make it so long but I thought it might be better to do it this way than answer each person individually through different posts. I do appreciate all of you so so much for your care, for your encouragement and motivation, and also for your time. Please don’t give up on me.
I’ll get back you ya later. For right now. Just keep coming back and until it sticks. I hope your head hits the pillow sober. Check in here tonight. Stay on here tonight. Go to a meeting. Spill your guts. Go to a lot of meetings. Read that first post on the thread I just sent you. Get over the pity party and excuses. Invite us to your next pity party before you pick up. Never have a pity party alone. It’s no fun.