Feel like a relapse

I’ve been going through it this yr for sure. I thought years before this was hard but this one really takes the cake. Not trying to find self-pity just explaining how I feel. I’m not sure what being sober feels like. I’ve had clean time before but now I’m taking a different approach. I have a very unsupportive family. I tend to take no shit either so it’s been hard to keep my emotions in check but instead I’m giving my family the amo they need/want. I’m angry. Hurt, sad, feeling hopeless. But I’ve been trying to make a meeting everyday, and with that I feel some comfort, I got myself a sponser who I already love dearly. But everyday that obsessions there and I know myself it’s only been a matter of time before I let it take control. I’m trying to focus on my clean time and getting my life back but damn why’s it gotta take so slow. I’m busy af but I just feel bored sober, at least lately.

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This could have been written about me. I understand Giving up alcohol was like me giving up the only friend that completely got me. Then when I’d run back to that comfort zone it was like giving others something to use against me. Turns out I was thinking about my drinking la lot more than they were. The more days I string together the more confidence I have and that makes dealing with others easier. When we don’t have that guilt we stand taller and can stand our ground. Proud of you doing AA. That was a big step. You said you don’t take shit so don’t let alcohol consume your thoughts as much. Get pissed that its taken so much from you already!! Stay in the day and don’t think ahead too far. You can do this :blush:

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@Whomsoever thank you appreciate your words. I woke up from a dream of using and it was to vivid and now I’m just laying in bed, uncomfortable waiting for morning. So I had to get it off my chest. I have a random drug screen today but also got paid. My thoughts are everywhere…but like you said I’m tryin to just stay focused on now not much I can do about it now. Not goin lie i am annoyed lol busy day ahead of me with little to no sleep. :roll_eyes::relieved: This shit happens I guess

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Are there some family members that you need to distance yourself from possibly?

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I’m trying but what’s really hard is I’m trying to get my daughter back to me. Between that and trying to remain sober I feel like I’m losing it daily. right now it’s hard to feel grateful bc I’m so angry and mostly at my family. Now I’ll take accountability for my actions where it’s due. But this isn’t/ wasn’t an act of genuine care. This is malicious/toxic and traumatizing to my daughter and me. I could see if they were trying to reunite us like they’re suppose to but she currently staying with some pretty toxic family memebers. And it’s hard excepting I don’t have control over my own child while they’re getting away with things that shouldnt betaken place. Keeping me out of her life as much as possible. I go to na everyday have a sponser a treatment plan counseling you name it to try and keep myself straight. Everything so heavy some days. Hoping for the strength to change my mindset soon @ChrisR

Everyone has shitty days and can struggle with their mindset especially early in sobriety as it is such a life altering change on so many levels. Its cool that you are working so much to improve yourself and each day of sobriety is a victory. You don’t have to be so hard on yourself given how emotionally overwhelming this all is…

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For me to get out of perpetual relapse mode, I had to make changes.

Ive had to whittle away at things that werent healthy for my recovery. One of the first thing was to accept support which you have. This place is 24\7. I’ve used it 24/7. I use it when I’m craving. It helps them pass.

I use it when I’m walking through big changes as I try to create a better environment for me.
I’ve used it when I’m walking through challenges to change feelings that could get me drunk. My biggest one was my kids. I lost contact with them and the holidays were torture for me. I had to fix that. I got tremendous support here as I walked through that.

One of the biggest things that has helped me with feeling bored is spending my drinking money on healthy, positive hobbies that filled that void of time drinking until my hobbies became normal. That didn’t take very long. I’m never bored.

I don’t let friends or family bring their drama around anymore. I’m a busy guy! I don’t have time for that shit!

It sounds like a lot. I whittled away at it. small tasks towards goals add up. Especially in recovery. As a drunk, I was all talk. In recovery I’m all about action. I’m still making changes. I’ve still got work to do. Im excited about the future again.

Don’t relapse. The same misery that brought you to recovery is still out there. Reconnect with your true self. Its worth it!

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@ambash I just relapsed and i would love to have the time you have however much it is you have i know it’s more than me. I have less than a day. I know time doesn’t mean everything just something i thought I’d share.

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When i first was sobering up and started hitting meetings i had some friends there that had good stretches of time and i wanted to be like them i wanted 30 years in 30days but as i listened about how they did it i realized that today is the only one that is important not yesterday or tomorrow just stay sober for 24hrs at a time they start adding up. I try not get hung up on the length of life that i live just try to make sure the quality of life is the best it can be, and im having a much better life now that im sober and staying present just for today. :grinning::+1:keep on plugging away doing what works to help you keep in a healthy state of mind

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So awhile back I posted that I had 15days clean and I was proud of myself, I actually made it to 22days but thats where I dropped the ball. I cant even really say exactly what it was that triggerd me I cant remember. But I feel guilty and dissapointed in myself. Im not lookin for pity Im trying to figure out how to keep control of it all. My emotions my mental health, I have a job I like and when Im there Im actually a differnt person, Im happy. But when I get home that sort of changes. I have lots of hobbies and I try and engage in them as often as possible. This isnt my life at all. A year ago I had a house and a husband and both my kids with me. I wasnt happy in my marrige and decided to get out and thats when everything seem to go to shit. Shortly after I turned to drugs and my Ex brainwashed my kids, was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and severe anxiety and depression. Im not who I was a year ago, Im happy Im out of my toxic relationship but not having my kids with me has broke me. Some days I feel like “I got this” and then others I feel so defeated. I welcome to insight, if you choose to. I guess Im just feeling a bit lost.

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Stay the course, Tracey. You know it will definitely not help in any way to drink or drug. I know it’s hard but have faith, you have it in you to do this. :sparkling_heart::hugs:

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Yes I’m getting frustrated waiting for the day things even look just a little brighter. Tonights been extra hard…just an all around hard day. Nights were the times I got high and there’s not much to really distract myself with at this time of night. I’ve always been a night owl. Hoping I get through the night

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I can def relate as a mother it’s absolutely gut renching to not have you’re child by your side. For it’s only made it so much harder to keep focused and I can’t believey addiction has taken me to that point bc before my addiction progressed I. Admit I never understood how a child wasn’t enough. It’s enough but also we use bc of our feelings and loss resentment of that makes sense. I don’t want too use but I’m also sick of feeling this pain every waking day. it always seems that on my good days by the end of them I’m finding out something else abouty child that breaks me :heart:. So I completely understand how you feel about that.

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I know what being a night owl is like sometimes i toss and turn at night still, cant get my mind to shut down like im always trying to plan things out or figure out what i can do with my uncontrollable emotions. I was having a bit of a rough day today as well. Just anxiety and frustration a sense of helpless gittery feeling, almost like i was on something, just slept alot to keep from loosing my mind. Sometimes i try do everything in my power to keep my cool but it overwhelms me and is exhausting

I hope you get through the night alright i know the feeling of being away from your children, think im having seperation anxiety because im going to be away for work and not see my kids for a while kind of doubting things and fear of being alone kind of bringing me down best i can do is just try reach out and not get too isolated

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Right, Im not at all understanding how my children arent 100% the reason for me to say enough is enough? But like u said my addiction masks my pain and my thoughts. They are 13 and 16, ive missed my sons gr8 grad and my daughters sweet16. I cant stand the thought of missing anymore.

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I can relate to all that way to much last night I was just tossin turning till . morning came, I’m not trying to sound like a downer lol but yes today was just all around rough and it sucks when u feel like you’ve tried everything like I did meetings talked to my Sponser 2x reached out to other ppl tried praying read my NA book took a long ass walk cried my God it was tormenting today. I did have circumstances that contributed but damn a person can only take so much

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Same…I’m scared of missing the holidays bc before this shit I havent missed a damn thing bday holiday nothing. I love putting her bday parties together and now she’s 5 and probably thinking i just don’t care like her father…bc I know for damn sure my family isn’t putting positive thoughts of cupcakes n rainbows in her head no they’re making me sound bad to b malicious

Just do the best we can and not let the feeling consume us, its good to say it and let it out and its ok your not a downer sometimes i feel like im doing all i can but still stuck in a - mode and what more can i do? I just try not to let it sit too long because i know what i do with my low self esteem, like i multiply it lol, not for anyone else to feel sorry for me, i guess i put on my big boy shorts and try to keep on , part of me that wants to cry over spilled milk the other saying just clean it up. As long as we just stick with our recovery at the end of the day things are ok. If our kids know we love them and we’re doing the next right thing we’re good. God bless.:pray:

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I have the opportunity to go to NA but Im scared I guess, not sure of what tho. I cant afford to lose my place or job, there is no one I trust that could look qfter everything I have so I could go to Rehab…at this moment anyway. And please know Im not trying to make excuses. I like smoking weed Ive done it for many years, I dont blow the bank on it. Where I live its legal, I can 110% function with or without it, so why is it so hard for me to control myself with anything else thats what gets me. I get in my own head too much, I worry about the days ahead of me and what ppl think( as much as I try not to) Its self sabotage and I dont know how to turn it off. Sorry, kinda went off the rails a bit there I think.

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