What you are describing is addictive behaviour. Even if you aren’t drinking daily, even if you don’t have withdrawal symptoms like the shakes. Hiding, not being able to stop once you start, keeping drinking even after negative consequences are all things that people who have a healthy relationship with alcohol don’t do. The hamster wheel of trying to control it, failing, shame, drinking and starting the cycle again won’t stop. Just get off the wheel.
Even if you don’t feel you are an alcoholic, read the literature, try an online meeting. Listen for what resonates with you and take what helps you.
Below is a link to a great thread
What’s YOUR plan?
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