Feeling both strength and weaknesses

Life in Recovery
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Today i had to face a trigger head on. I am 4 days clean from my DOC and it was NOT easy.

Not everyone has triggers or suffers as bad as others do when faced with triggers…myself, i know how hard it is for ME.
A dear friend that i call my “gateway” appeared yet again…and rightfully so, he is a friend of my family’s.
However for the 3rd time i had to express with extream anger at this point, that i can not see him. I can not get in his vehicle and go for coffee…i can NOT sit casually at this point and have a visit.
When i see him it triggers all of my cravings and my head gets all spun out.
I have spent the day battling with my thoughts about using.
I explained that in the future hopefully i will be able to overcome this trigger that he brings out in me.

Right now, i need him and my family to understand how serious this is for me. I sat on my doorstep vibrating in tears as my mouth watered and my thoughts wondered…
I do know this gets easier…one second, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time.
The strength to face my trigger head on was difficult, i thank my higher power for allowing me this…however the weakness i felt as i sat vibrating in front of him was also very real.

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WOW i am so moved how you illustrated this experience. it’s mind blowing how we can demonstrate such immense strength while in the midst of shuddering in total vulnerability. you are such a badass warrior for holding such needed boundaries and fortifying yourself for success in sobriety. :muscle:t4::muscle:t4:

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I love your choice of words…i was absolutely more vulnerable than i even imagined i would be. It was difficult being so fresh into my sobriety again.

Thank you for your kind words. This is certainly a win and i must use this experience to lift myself up. Strength to continue fighting my triggers head on!!!

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Great job protecting yourself from a huge trigger. You are very smart to notice this trigger. And you have every right to be angry.

Sometimes I have to be very selfish to my recovery and that’s ok. People might not like that. And that’s ok. Some people won’t get it either. But I’ll do everything I can to protect my sober date. And I’ve had to cut some people out. I’ve worked too hard and I’ve come too far.
:pray:t2::heart:

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