Just need to vent this I guess.
13 days sober longest in months possibly even years, 6 year relationship on the line for the last 4 years, innumerable betrayals and so much devastation.
I was every negative emotion imaginable rolled into one when I woke up this morning. Literally just gave in after about 3 hours and chose to switch off to it all in the most pathetic addict way imaginable (P spam emails) just because I decided that I couldn’t handle sitting in it any longer, and that I needed to feel like I could function properly again. That me feeling better in this time is more important than me not cheating on my partner. I really feel like the only thing keeping me alive right now is my addict brain because subconsciously it’s always seeking something. I had become somewhat paralysed by my addiction the day before, which was a new feeling for me. I was unable to get up and wash, Cook, clean, do anything at all nevermind anything productive, because it was just there! All day, eating my mind up, EMAILS!!! absolutely killing myself here. Makes me sick (when I can get round to seeing things in my life how they really are) how it’s STILL like perfectly balanced scales no matter how fucking hard life is made by my choices, how much suffering I cause and the inevitable losses. Still, 4 years on and probably 25,000 broken promises later my scales are balanced between acting out and the painful reality I’ve created. So sick of my cycle.
I’m finding myself wishing I was religious right about now but I unfortunately can’t be, because I’m not, but seriously. Please pray for me haha
God bless, I guess
craig 
some context:
30yo male, adhd I guess I’d class myself as an extrovert just with some shit goin on haha. I honestly don’t have a single friend, I’m not in touch with family, don’t have social media, stopped gaming etc I have a radio and my phone which I use for some occasional podcasts and the odd space/geology documentary that I like to fall asleep to. recently lost my newish job due to being off sick for 6 weeks after starting treatment for a cluster headaches diagnosis. Living on and off in a temp flat with my dog I hope I can attach a picture he’s the best boy! [Mars] he’s almost 9 now and but he thinks, acts, looks and jumps about like he’s 5, I still count back the 8 years to make sure I’m getting it right, kills me every time.
I just don’t do recovery, never really have. Saa is somewhat painful for me because my experience is that I need full communication and in some cases real confrontation, my local meeting is simply horrendous and is more of a acceptance parade and a mockery of the struggle/benefits of even trying. Have even called a meeting and just threw my phone away under the couch because I was told to do it but I just couldn’t, that was probably my 10/15th meeting I just haven’t felt the benefit. Maybe done 5 in the year and a half since. Just burnt out!!!
Mars pic from Oct 25 at 8.5yo after a not very nice dog hurt him!
