Feeling disgusted and confused by sex 1 year after sobriety

[Gjkl]

Hi everyone. I am a year sober from meth. I abused it for 10 years, the last 2 were really bad.

I have a man who I have been with (I’m in my 30s, he’s in his 50s) for the last decade. We have never officially been in a relationship, but it was a confusing time.

Our pattern involved me, younger and alone and wanting to fit in (and already abusing substances) being very attracted to him. He had a house and business and was married and was so nice, I would see him about every 2 weeks and we’d indulge in insane drugs and sex. Just absolutely wild stuff that I never really cared that much for, but just went along. I had a lot of fun at the time, even though I could have done without all the sex.

But now that I’m sober, things have gotten very difficult. I’m realizing now that I spwnt about a decade doing drugs and having sex with older men to try and find love and acceptance, and now that I’ve realized all of that, I just feel like I’m in a constant state of disgust. I’m disgusted at myself, I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I’m disgusted at what I did, I tried looking at porn and it just makes me feel sick to my stomach. No judgement, just a visceral feeling of sickness.

I feel a bit sorry for myself in a new way, having sacrificed about a decade chasing a man who I thought wanted to be life partners, but really it was all about pleasure and escape.

We are still very close and he helped me get sober. He wanted me to co e stay the night (we don’t use anymore) and it sort of made me crack. He has been very vocal about not wanting to be my boyfriend, that he’s a dad, and that’s fine but it’s confusing. When he wanted to have sex, I realized that I pursued sex as a way of feeling I tinate and loved and close with someone, and that for him sex is just sex, like dancing or playing a game. It has nothing to do with that level of intimacy to him.

And I knew this, but I realized it in a different way. And it just makes me feel so disgusted at myself. Disgusted that I did a lot of stuff and wasted time, but also I feel like a loser. I feel like some dumb virgin stereotype in a high-school drama who can’t enjoy sex like all the tiher kids. I feel angry at him that I suffered so much and that he carried on with life as normal. Addiction did evil awful things to me, but while I was going through it he always seemed fine and kept his house and job and flourished. And he still enjoys sex and he enjoys it more than me and it makes me feel like I’m being taunted. Not necessarily like he’s taunting me, but like my lack of ability and Interest in sex makes me feel like I’m being taunted. And when he comes onto me it feels like he’s taunting me. It’s the same feeling as when you’re at a urinal and u can’t piss but the guys beside you are and are looking at you like you’re a weirdo.

Anyway, I’m posting bc this is what I’m goo g through, my therapist has t been much help, and I’d like to know if other addicts have gone through anything similar and how you’ve coped with it.

Thank you.

[Mno]

Welcome to Talking Sober friend. Thanks for sharing your story and congrats on your year of sobriety. Now my story is rather different but there are quite some similarities as well. I’m over five years sober now and I haven’t had sex in those five years. My sex before has been trauma sex 100%. And always under the influence of something, most of the times on many things. Now I still have a sex drive, but I want intimacy as well. I never could combine the two together. Working on it. Through therapies, through trying to be open about it to others, through looking for healthier ways of coping with the stresses of life than sex and drugs. To work on self love and self acceptance. It’s slow tedious work. But it’s a work of love. Wishing you success.

[Alisa]

I’m glad that you have the time clean that you do that you are talking about this and that you have the therapist. We all have done things that we wish we had not, or many of us have in any case. All we can do is go forward.
The past is the past. Yes it forms a lot of our behavior and thoughts and that is one thing that your therapist is good for. There is a meme that I’m going to look for and post if I can find it. Welcome to talking sober and welcome to discussing your feelings with your life. Again, congratulations on your sobriety.
Editing bc rereading your post, I see that you said that your therapist isn’t helping you much. That is oftentimes common. If you’re able to consider changing therapists or telling the therapist you need something more than what you’re getting from them.
Many people find lots of support at group therapies, and also group situations.

[Alisa]

[Dirk]

I am sorry you feel so bad, especially after you have clearly put so much effort into getting and staying sober

It’s hard for me to comment on the specific situation with your partner, but I know for a fact that you are far from the only one who has had to re-evaluate existing relationships after they got sober. The clarity that sobriety brings does shine a rather harsh light on things, warts and all.

In terms of sex: I can confirm that getting and staying sober has significantly impacted my desires. It hasn’t led to being disgusted with my previous experiences however, that for me would be an indication of having crossed my boundaries while under the influence, willingly or not.

Sexual trauma is definitely a thing, whether it’s from force, coercion or losing sight of one’s boundaries. If your current therapist is unable/unwilling to work on this with you, be on the lookout for a clinical sexologist and check with them that they are OK with discussing your specific sexual experiences - you would be surprised how many therapists are in fact not 100% open to discussing the 360° spectrum that sexuality is.

I hope this helps a bit, please continue to check in and post here or send me a PM if you are more comfortable discussing things in private. I wish you well

[Gjkl]

Thank you! I appreciate this. Things are really difficult. I emotionally feel the way I did when I started using around 18. All the stuff I was trying to hide has come back. My life is better now than it has ever been, but the pain of everything is also the greatest it’s ever been. Posting here is stopping me from using. It’s just so hard, I feel so ridiculous

[Gjkl]

Thank you this is good advice. I can’t afford to pay a therapist, so I’m using a free one. She definitely is not interested in discussing the details or how those details are important. Maybe there is something available virtually I don’t know. Every day feels like I’m uncovering more and more sexual trauma, and it’s really hard when the person you are most comfortable with now and who is doing the most to keep you sober is the person who sexually traumatized you the most. It’s not as easy as just cutting them out of your life.

[Alisa]

Hard times are not ridiculous… Life is life and it will have its ups and downs, it’s traumas and it’s disasters and it’s joys and it’s good things.
One step at a time you go through it. I’m glad that you have found this site. It is very supportive. Many people find it helpful to check in on the daily check-in thread. It gives them accountability with their sobriety and also gives them a place where they can say how they feel what they’re doing And just know that they’re at a safe place where they are supported. This might be helpful for you. Name of the thread is ‘checking in daily to maintain focus.’
Many others find the writing in the gratitude thread is helpful. Then there are the music threads. Art threads, photo and food threads. There are many threads on the site for personal expression and just for diversion. It could be some of the meditations in the meditation thread would be helpful for you.
No one has been in the exact situation that you have been in. Many though have been in and are in situations or life patterns that they have a hard time dealing with. You have support here at this site.