Feeling disillusioned with 12 step group

[rich369]

I’m not sure if disillusioned is the right word… maybe disconnected would be better.

I’ve been going to SAA for around 20 months now, and have been working the steps for over a year. I’m currently on step 9 and a couple of months ago, took on a sponsee.

I think everyone since I joined I didn’t feel fully at home in the meetings. I put it down to nerves/shame and kept going because I wanted to have sobriety. I’m now coming up to two years without acting out (had 3 months sobriety prior to walking into SAA).

I never feel like I got that “I’m in the right place” moment that a lot of newcomers say they feel after the first meeting. I’ve gone through the steps as best I can up to this point, and that’s fine, but I’m getting to the point where I’m just kinda tired of it. The last few weeks I’ve stopped putting in the effort that I previously put in - stopped writing gratitude lists, reading the just for today card & blue card, praying each morning & night.

And I am still sober. The world hasn’t come crashing down. I’m still going to the weekly meetings, weekly calls with my sponsor, I try and do a bit of step work while on the train to the SAA meetings, and my sponsee calls me daily, but that’s all I’m doing 12-step program-wise.

I’m living a healthier life now, engaging with my hobbies, my friends, been getting into gardening too which I really like. But a lot of the time I feel like SAA is now detracting from my life rather than adding to it. I now spend one evening a week travelling to and from a meeting instead of going out and enjoying my life.

I’ve also recently become more accepting of my sexuality, and understanding that I am bisexual. This has come with the thought that “maybe I’ve just been repressing my bisexuality and this has manifested itself over time as a sex/porn addiction”. If I no longer repress this, then maybe my sex addiction won’t be such a big deal anymore?

I guess I’m hoping that maybe someone out there might have experienced similar feelings, or has experience of dealing with addiction both inside and outside of a 12 step group, and can share their thoughts/support? Either way, it’s definitely been helpful for me to put my thoughts down into actual words, so thanks

[FracturedNoMore]

I have my misgivings about the SA philosophy. I am only a couple of months into my decovery journey and the local SA group has given me a place to be vulnerable and open up about my struggles with porn and masturbation. That is what I see as the most valuable thing that SA can provide me, a place to learn vulnerability and expressing my emotions with others. Most of the recovery work I have done has been on my own and regular weekly counseling sessions.

I disagree with some of the philosiphical mindsets around the permanence of addiction and the dogmatic approach to step work. The steps have wisdom and do force self reflection, but the idea that the steps are the “only” way to recovery is where I fall out. I am curious to know if you feel similarly or if I have missed the plot entirely. You are not alone in being a little skeptical with the SA and questioning step work.

[acromouse]

Disclaimer: I have not been to a 12step meeting. I never did a 12 step programm.

My personal experience with recovery is that it changes with time. There was a time I neeeded a meeting every day, sometimes multiple of them. There was a time where I needed to focus most of my day and time on very specific recovery practices.
I changed with time and so did my ways of being in recovery.

So maybe the question is not that much about the group or the programm and more about how can recovery look for you now? What things are you doing, what things do you want to do to support your recovery? Which things in your life keep you stable? Which areas may need more attention? Which skillsets have you already learned that are worth practicing, which would you like to explore? Are there other programms/groups that have a different scope/focus where you feel like they may fit your situation better now?

Practicing recovery skills and having a community of recovery can look very different at different stages and for different people.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

So, I have experience with the 12 step program (NA, CA, AA, OA). I did attend SLAA for maybe a few months at one point also when I thought i had an issue with sex. The steps are great!!! I believe that they can heal. However, I also believe that there are a variety of ways to get free from our additions. Our recoveries can look different at different points of time also. At least thats from my experience.

I attended 12 step meetings for over 10 years (from age 21-31). I got 3 years clean and sober and then went back out. I moved to another province (the geographical cure) and stopped going to meetings (that was in Dec 2014). I didnt really put forth a huge amount of effort to go to any more meetings again until year 2026 (when I started OA). I mean i attended an online NA meeting here n there but I didnt feel that connection any more, like I used to. A couple months ago, I started working the steps again in the OA program and have really gotten so much from it!!

I also have 4+ years clean and sober and that was without meetings. Meetings are great! But there was a time in my life when they just didnt feel right anymore. I got clean and sober thru this app and thru the spiritual connection i have with my HP. Now the steps DID help me get this connection to my HP, and all the knowledge I obtained from previous years being in the program, helped in my recovery also. But just bcuz i stopped going to meetings, doesnt mean I wasnt doing something every day for my recovery.

I think as long as we have that self awareness (to notice if we are getting complacent and falling backwards to a potential relapse), i personally think its okay to step back abit. My old sponsor told me that no matter what, recovery always has to come 1st. But there comes a time (after having some decent time under belts), when we need to spread our wings and start enjoying life too. New hobbies, start building relationships with others, really start experiencing life!! She told me… you cant hide in the rooms forever lol and I agree!

Youre on step 9, so when u hit step 10, 11, and 12, thats where we start doing that daily inventory that keeps us in check, the continual prayer and meditation, and being of service to others comes into play.

My suggestion, would be to at least finish the steps Get the full experience of working the program. And then if u still feel the same way, take the knowledge that uv gained and just practice that on a daily basis. I think as long as ur doing something for ur recovery daily, that will keep u focused on the goal of abstinence.

And if u notice urself beginning to fall into old behaviours, the meetings will always be there if u need to start attending them again.

I hope what i said made sense lol i feel like i was all over the place Anyway, glad ur here!

[LimePuddin1]

I’m a pmo addict. I attend SA and see a psychologist. That being said, do yourself a favor and research brainneuroplasticity. It will tell you how the brain can learn to rewire itself from the negative rewards you/we trained it to expect. Even at my age; 64, the brain can rewire itself to forget that habit. The mind is an incredible instrument in our recovery. I also attribute my (new found) relationship with Jesus Christ, but this is a personal decision. Let your mind work it’s healing. Attend whatever meetings and sessions help with your progress. But let your mind heal itself.