Hello. I would like to share my journey and appreciation for it.
I was looking back today, imagining where I would possibly be if I didn’t stop drinking. It all came to me because I saw a post on Facebook from one of the ghosts from my “previous” life. That made me think about what life I used to live as opposed to life I am living now. The difference is enormous.
And so in my memories I went all the way back to when I was 14 and had my first alcoholic drink. It brought a “buzz” into my head which felt like a freedom. In my diary I described it that it felt like if the world got lighter. I was a shy girl, quite timid and very reserved. I didn’t have many friends and instead of hanging out with people (like others did), I preferred to sit in the library and read books in a quiet corner. An ugly weirdo my peers would probably say. But careful, because today I am very protective of that innocent and special me I was back then..
Once alcohol entered my life everything changed. It was like unlocking my personality. With “the buzz” in my head my mouth opened wide and I didn’t stop talking and engaging myself in any sort of conversations. My insecurities were gone and I felt confident, funny and cool. And so I started to “need” alcohol in order to “be myself”. Books were thrown in the corner and from the shy small library girl I became a queen of the parties.
I was “benefiting” from alcohol like this for many years. To be exact, for 14 years.
Then something changed when I was 28. I was blacking out almost every time I went out and drank. I tried million and one things to avoid being that drunk but nothing worked. So I made a decision of taking a break from drink for some time. And it was that point when I realised for the first time that I have a problem. I was waking up in the morning with the intention not to drink that day and finding myself drunk the same evening. It became exhausting wanting one thing in the morning and doing the opposite later in the day, like if I had no control. And from that point things took a downward spiral. I wasn’t happy anymore no matter what. Because alcohol is a depressant, I didn’t feel happy when sober, but nor when drunk. There was basically no state of mind in which I would feel happy anymore. I tried to persuade myself that I am happy by acting like that in front of other people. I was perceived like the always smiling and joking one, full of energy. But that was only on the outside. Deep inside I was hurting and empty. I couldn’t see any sense of life anymore and the only thing which kept me alive was my family. The thought about how much they would hurt if I gave up didn’t allow me to proceed with acting on the darkest thoughts I used to have… It was the lowest point I have been at in my life. I really don’t know what would have happened if I haven’t met my current partner Sean back then 
Sean was like a fresh breeze entering my soul. He brought something new - he gave new sense and dimensions to my life. His kindness and love were stronger than my addiction, he always treated me with respect and love, even during moments when I didn’t deserve it. And that was different to anything I knew from before. His love and understanding made me realise that I don’t want to lose him. One morning, after a night when I was treating him extremely badly because I was drunk, I had an epiphany. A miracle happened when I could see clearly that I’m going to lose him if I don’t change my behaviour. I realised that whoever I became when I got drunk - it was not me - and that the only way how to stop that personality appearing was to stop drinking. Something in my brain shifted and I finally managed to put the drink down for good.
Sean is the most important part of my journey He is the breaking point. My rock when I hit the bottom. I am pretty sure that without him I would be forever lost, or something worse. Since I met Sean it feels like if the world got colours. The world felt lighter back in age of 14 when I sipped on my first alcoholic drink. But in reality, alcohol was adding weight on my shoulders until I almost drawn. Now life doesn’t feel light, but neither heavy. It’s somewhere in between like it’s supposed to be. I have balance of normal life worries which I am able to face and solve because I am SOBER.
Sobriety is the best thing which ever happened to me. Yes, I spent long 17 years drinking before I could freedom myself from the demon, but what I gained is priceless. Thanks to everything I went through I am who I am. My mindset, my personality, my priorities and beliefs are what they are because I am a recovered alcoholic. And I would never change that. It gives me a special appreciation for life which I would otherwise never have.
Thank you, dear Sean, for not giving up on me at difficult moments when some other people certainly would. And for loving me through it all I love you very much.
My sobriety reached 6 years 7 months and 8 days today.
6 7 8 