Started off really hopeful, but realized I need to still understand my feelings and not ignore them. It’s been so much easier if I just shut down and stay positive and not let bad feelings get to me. But I guess what I’ve been doing is ignoring them. Just realizing today is going to be rough since I need to keep myself open, it’s just very scary to me. I’ve tried many times before in the past but I need the accountability. It’s not my wife’s job to be the sole person looking out for my emotional well being. I need to, I need help in doing so with my therapist too, I need to work harder than I ever have. Thank you all for being here
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You got this. Its amazing you are even able to identify the fact you have been ignoring bad emotions. We have to feel all of them the good and the bad. It sucks but you can do this! I believe in you!
Wise words 
I realized the same thing early in my sobriety. I couldn’t “subcontract” my emotional work: it wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t helpful to anyone, including me.
Sounds like you have a good therapist and a good starting plan, to search for guidance and support from knowledgeable folks! Keep it up. One day at a time.
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Thank you. The support you all have is so amazing
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I just hate feeling like it’s a “poor me” way of thinking. Because my family is the victim, not me. My choices hurt them and I just feel guilty that I even hurt. Kind of like I don’t have the right to
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You are allowed to feel youe feelings too. You have to in order to recover. Its not “poor me” thinking. You are grieving a part of your life basically. Its ok to be sad or mad or however you need to feel.
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Great job on connecting with your emotions instead of shutting them down!!
Even better you came here and shared. This is such a difficult step and you are taking it 
You are absolutely right in everything you said about emotions. Dealing with them is your responsibility. Dealing with them is darn difficult and scary.
But I am here to encourage you: Everything we try for the first time can be scary. Everything we don’t know how to do can be scary.
But you can learn how to and you can get used to dealing with those emotions.
You hurt others. That sucks. Feeling the shame and guilt is awful. But you are doing the work. You are feeling. Shame and guilt are there for a reason. So that you do not repeat your hurtful actions, which by the way hurt those around you AND yourself.
Growing up emotionally also means knowing how to move on. But first you need to acknowledge the hurt and the pain of everyone involved including yourself and start learning new ways to respond to life.
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I know that feeling. Feeling like I haven’t “earned” space to need care and rest and attention.
In my own case I am still working on it but my working theory is I can move at my own pace as long as I stay focused on my fundamentals:
- don’t isolate (isolation = addiction; so I make calls, attend meetings (in person or online))
- remember HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired (take care of these things and it helps me stay sober: I’ve gotten really into naps)
- don’t try to do too much, at work or in my recovery (I have a history of making long to-do lists that I find intimidating; it can be paralyzing)
- check in with my wife each day for at least ten minutes: we each give each other five minutes of non-judgmental listening and empathy (we learned this practice 3 years ago and it saved our marriage)
I can do all that without making my wife into my recovery accountability partner. Marriage, for me, is about a life partner, someone I can build a home with. Recovery accountability is not about building a home together. Recovery accountability is about taking basic responsibility for self (which is something I should have before building a home with someone).
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Thank you. Those words of advice really help. Just being here helps me feel less alone. I was talking to another guy on here and he mentioned Terry Crews also had struggles. So I looked into it a little bit and what motivated me was that he said “keeping it a secret gives it power”. So I’m trying not to keep it a secret. I don’t want it to have power over me. But by thinking I was alone in it and felt shame in it, I think I was letting it keep its power and influence against me
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Absolutely. Shame is a self-imposed prison. We need to open up to appropriate people (for addiction recovery that means people who are knowledgeable and relevant, which includes addiction recovery groups, and also medical and psychological professionals). When we open up with those people, and take their advice one day at a time, we recover.
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Day got better as it went on. Thank you all for the kind words and prayers. I know not everyday will be like this one. But I know I still have you all to come back to
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Have you thought about maybe trying a meeting for extra support a room full of like minded people who will be able to relate to everything you are going through , well done on realising you need to do something and reaching out the the forum
It’s honestly everyone on here that helps me feel brave to get out and do it. Helps me feel less alone in it as well. Just getting those feelings out there for other people to see and put myself out there. It’s terrifying, but it needs to be done and I’m forcing myself to do it
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