Feeling like a fraud

Emotional Support
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You’re over three years sober and you haven’t revised those old, incorrect beliefs you were “told” and “led to believe”? When I got sober, I did nothing but read and listen for the first year. I got comfortable knowing im an alkie of the garden variety, like so many others, all slightly differently presenting but the same at heart, and that it’s the function alc had in my life, the function and need I created for it it, that made me dependent on it.

I don’t feel like a fraud. And I think if you took responsibility for your beliefs and your knowledge and self knowledge, you’d feel less like one too. Much of your post is written from the perspective of others who told you things or gave you things. I wonder if you maybe need to find yourself more the active subject and less the object in your life, take control and responsibility. If I’m way off, just ignore me. It’s just the impression I get.

I wish you well. Glad you’re here and sober. I think you can contribute to this place. :rainbow:

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My sobriety just happened. I was with an abusive partner who told me I needed the medication more than the alcohol (despite the fact that she coerced me into drinking all of the time) and I didnt really allow myself to be surrounded with support because I felt like my situation wasn’t bad enough to warrant it, and most of my family didn’t think “two drinks a day” (despite the fact that I split those drinks 90/10 with alcohol and went through about a bottle of vodka a day as well as 4 or 5 bottles of wine per week) was a very big problem. My partner would just tell me not to think about it or suggest we cook something - replacing my alcohol addiction with food. I dont know. I’m so anxious - about making phone calls, being in public, playing dnd with really close friends… I feel like I can’t do any of those things without the mask of intoxication.

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I appreciate that blunt candor more than I can say and I think you’re right. I struggle so much with assertiveness and self-esteem that, for the longest time, I didn’t believe my own thoughts and opinions over what was laid out in front of me by the people who raised me and the people I chose to surround myself with. I’m in therapy and I’m working on confidence and countering my negative thoughts. I really appreciate your perspective and honesty and it actually helps to know someone in a kind of similar situation doesn’t think I need to feel like one.

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I’m sorry your wife is going down that road, and I’m even more sorry that you’re forced to be a daily witness to it. I’m so proud of you for your 1000 day sobriety! You are a badass. I’m not even 45 years old so I can’t imagine struggling for that long. I’m happy you have found a way to remain sober through connections with others and going to meetings. I’ve been considering it, but I didn’t want others to think what I think about myself - that my problem wasn’t that bad and I dont belong there. You seem like a great person to consider an ally and a friend. I will be here and I’m around if you need anyone else to talk to.

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Spirituality and faith are other things I seriously struggle with so I’ve never been comfortable with AA specifically. I’m so glad it’s working for you! I appreciate your kind words

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That’s… very true. Thank you for that perspective.

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I have never had someone use an analogy like that. Thank you. That helped more than you know.

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Mine didn’t.
Guess that’s why our common clean time, I don’t sound like the victim. Or think about alcohol daily. Or have sad puppy eyes like in your profile pic…

And I didn’t mean that in a wrong way.

But there is a difference between not drinking, and recovering.

Read around here and choose recovery !

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Me too. Took me 3 years to get to understand hów low that self esteem really was. And why.

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Hallmark of somebody with addiction problems. Alcohol makes us believe we can’t cope without it. While the truth is alcohol (or any addictive substance) is actually the agent that makes us anxious, makes us turn in to ourselves, hide, repress, take flight, makes us hate ourselves, robs us of our self-esteem, self-worth, self-trust, our dignity.

I’m glad you’re here Brittany. We can’t fight this alone, we need each other. Together we can do this. IMHO AA is useful because it’s a community of peers helping each other. Luckily there are many more communities of folks helping each other (while helping themselves) these days. This place is my sober community. But there’s also Buddhist recovery, SMART (scientific, evidence based), and many more.
You might want to take a look at this thread:

Might be helpful. Welcome to this community anyhow, great to have you aboard!

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My profile picture is from work. I had gotten rained on that night and ended up working in the 30 degree cooler. That was a good night. A joking selfie I sent to my wife. It WAS attached to a good memory.

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Thank you so much for the alternative options.

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Hi! Welcome to the forum!! I don’t know if you’re an alcoholic, but I don’t see a fraud, I see a successful person who has been a bit of a “Dry drunk.” as an incurable optimist I want to point out that most dry drunks only last a month or two before they succumb to their addiction, so Kudos on white-knuckling it for this long!! you are definitely stronger than me. I can’t help but imagine how powerfully successful such a mind could be if you actually had the tools for recovery and ways to free yourself from the hindering weight of basically still active addiction!

I hope you stick around to show us all your success! take care :slight_smile:

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I have never heard of a dry drunk before and I think youre absolutely right. Thank you. And I intend to stick around. And definitely stay sober.

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All right, that explains a lot :joy:

But still… start working on your recovery !
If you feel AA doesn’t fit, try another program.
But sobriety doesn’t just happen. Putting down the drink is just the start of it.

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Like some on here, my bottom wasn’t so low, no DUI, no firing, no divorce. But I did plenty of things I am deeply ashamed of, and was miserable and exhausted. That is enough. Have you read any literature? When I read the AA big book, there were enough similarities that I knew they were talking about me. I am sure other program’s literature would have stories or information that would resonate. I also still crave ‘release’ sometimes, but would never do that via alcohol now, my cravings for that have pretty much gone. And the work I put into recovery, not just not drinking, have helped me get a little more assertive and social. I still have much work to do, but I know how to go about it, or where to look. Brene Brown’s work is great, and helps with personal development. Wish you well. :purple_heart:

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Personally I use dharma recovery/refuge recovery as my primary foundations, but continue to get insights from the AA people on here.

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You are most definitely not a fraud. Doing something that you know is going to make you feel bad about yourself, but doing it anyway, is a problem. It may not be a crippling, life-altering problem that lands you in the gutter, but who wants to go through life doing things that make us feel anxious, ashamed and depressed?!?

My drinking got really out of control in my early 20’s. I had a baby with serious health problems die at home… it wasn’t my fault, but it was on my watch. The guilt was crippling. I drank, I smoked, my marriage fell apart, I made shitty choices about who to be intimate with- all because I was so riddled with guilt I didn’t believe I deserved to ever feel happy again.

Eventually, I started to get ahold of myself. I spent years trying to break a 3 cigarette a day habit, but giving up those last 3 was just torture.

I reached a place where I could drink in a way that most people would consider healthy…or, at least not a functional problem. The issue wasn’t the quantity of intake, it was the thought process. I would start the day thinking about the perfect bottle of wine and plan dinner around the drink, rather than deciding what we would eat and selecting something appropriate as an afterthought.

We would go out to eat, and I could easily limit myself to one drink, but if I had promised myself I wouldn’t, I felt guilty for not sticking to the principles I had when we left the house.

At this point, I am making a conscious decision to get dry for real. My oldest son is 25 and in the military. He is going down a similar road… no dui’s, no arrests, nothing really bad has happened, but he drinks with his boys all the time- and when he gets out of control he is a different person.

I know that at some point he is going to need to take some time off and reevaluate. I want him to have someone who cares about him who can empathize with how tough it is to quit- it won’t be any of the friends he has now who will give him that hand up.

Just like the cigarettes, giving up an occasional margarita wirh dinner, or splitting a bottle of wine with my husband just sucks. But, when I bend, I feel bad about the decision, and THAT is the real problem. I want to teach my boys to live in a way that they can hold their heads up and be proud of the choices they are making, and that starts with doing it myself.

You are not a fraud, and you are most definitely not alone.

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This is a superb metaphor and one I really needed to hear.

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Hi there, I was really happy to read you’re in therapy and working on believing yourself, having a stronger sense of self. I’ve been where you are. Not trusting my own experiences, my own feelings, not even being able to name them. Making other ppl’s feelings my own. Living for others, living in self-abandonment … It will get better if you continue with your therapy, stay sober, always challenge yourself and try and implement what you’re learning, even if it’s weird and not comfortable. One day at a time, one awkward foot in front of the other. We can both do it.

Glad you’re here!