All right, that explains a lot 
But still… start working on your recovery !
If you feel AA doesn’t fit, try another program.
But sobriety doesn’t just happen. Putting down the drink is just the start of it.
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Like some on here, my bottom wasn’t so low, no DUI, no firing, no divorce. But I did plenty of things I am deeply ashamed of, and was miserable and exhausted. That is enough. Have you read any literature? When I read the AA big book, there were enough similarities that I knew they were talking about me. I am sure other program’s literature would have stories or information that would resonate. I also still crave ‘release’ sometimes, but would never do that via alcohol now, my cravings for that have pretty much gone. And the work I put into recovery, not just not drinking, have helped me get a little more assertive and social. I still have much work to do, but I know how to go about it, or where to look. Brene Brown’s work is great, and helps with personal development. Wish you well. 
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Personally I use dharma recovery/refuge recovery as my primary foundations, but continue to get insights from the AA people on here.
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You are most definitely not a fraud. Doing something that you know is going to make you feel bad about yourself, but doing it anyway, is a problem. It may not be a crippling, life-altering problem that lands you in the gutter, but who wants to go through life doing things that make us feel anxious, ashamed and depressed?!?
My drinking got really out of control in my early 20’s. I had a baby with serious health problems die at home… it wasn’t my fault, but it was on my watch. The guilt was crippling. I drank, I smoked, my marriage fell apart, I made shitty choices about who to be intimate with- all because I was so riddled with guilt I didn’t believe I deserved to ever feel happy again.
Eventually, I started to get ahold of myself. I spent years trying to break a 3 cigarette a day habit, but giving up those last 3 was just torture.
I reached a place where I could drink in a way that most people would consider healthy…or, at least not a functional problem. The issue wasn’t the quantity of intake, it was the thought process. I would start the day thinking about the perfect bottle of wine and plan dinner around the drink, rather than deciding what we would eat and selecting something appropriate as an afterthought.
We would go out to eat, and I could easily limit myself to one drink, but if I had promised myself I wouldn’t, I felt guilty for not sticking to the principles I had when we left the house.
At this point, I am making a conscious decision to get dry for real. My oldest son is 25 and in the military. He is going down a similar road… no dui’s, no arrests, nothing really bad has happened, but he drinks with his boys all the time- and when he gets out of control he is a different person.
I know that at some point he is going to need to take some time off and reevaluate. I want him to have someone who cares about him who can empathize with how tough it is to quit- it won’t be any of the friends he has now who will give him that hand up.
Just like the cigarettes, giving up an occasional margarita wirh dinner, or splitting a bottle of wine with my husband just sucks. But, when I bend, I feel bad about the decision, and THAT is the real problem. I want to teach my boys to live in a way that they can hold their heads up and be proud of the choices they are making, and that starts with doing it myself.
You are not a fraud, and you are most definitely not alone.
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This is a superb metaphor and one I really needed to hear.
Hi there, I was really happy to read you’re in therapy and working on believing yourself, having a stronger sense of self. I’ve been where you are. Not trusting my own experiences, my own feelings, not even being able to name them. Making other ppl’s feelings my own. Living for others, living in self-abandonment … It will get better if you continue with your therapy, stay sober, always challenge yourself and try and implement what you’re learning, even if it’s weird and not comfortable. One day at a time, one awkward foot in front of the other. We can both do it.
Glad you’re here!