Quick heads up, I wrote the following post without deleting anything and writing anything that came to mind. It is very incoherent so don’t try to fully understand everything I’m saying, that’ll probably prove difficult…
I’m posting in this raw format to see if it’s cathartic. Like screaming into a pillow…
TW: Due to the post being so incoherent it might seem like I’m under the influence of something. This is not the case, but I imagine this can still be triggering for some.
I’m in a dark bottomless pit, standing on a ledge. A crumbling ledge. A ledge consisting of
nvm fuck this shit. I’m just going to write down what I think. Not gonna delete shit.
I’m a loser. I’ve been watching videos of fucking videogames. How fucking retarded am I? I’m very fucking close to a burnout yet at the same time I feel like I’m exeggarating. (Fuck you grammarly! Not in the mood to properly spell a second language.) Can’t even write a coherent story without my mind going other places and distracting myself. I want this post to be perfectly coherent because I dont want anyune to judge me. Fucking baby.
But i feel like im exegartivnetfimeronceirnver… exeggerating because I have the absurd idea that I dont do my best unless im perfect. Gotta always give 150% otherwise im not trying hard enougj. Being near a burnout is just an excuse to justify my flaws.
God dammint. I was doing so well. Not really. Go fuck yourself negative voice. I was doing so well with my selfimage but I jsut had to fuck it up. Because of course it’s all my mistake and not the very demanding college course and the very demanding job with the very demanding bitch boss. Cuz of course im always the problem. I never do anything rifhgt do i??? Fuck you brain! FUCK YOU!!!
Im a fcukign losert. Its past 2am and im stil working on homenwork. I had to end it in at midnight. That deadline had no leeway. No ill hade to do what i aalways do. Make fucking excuses. Becaus eim not going to takae responsiblitlmke. Look at perfect JAn who never doesn anything wrong. simoly because im to weak to convrotn myslef winth my flaws. Thanks dad for yelling at me everytime i made a mistake. Thanks store manager for always being pissed with me when I make a mistake. Even when its actually you who made the mistake. FUUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKCKKCKCKCKCKCKCKKCKCKCKCKCK
How the fuck am i going to pull this off? I need to work in 4,5 hours!!! I fuckign told them im near a burn out and that I have no fucking energy. FUCKING GODDAMN IGNORANT RETARDED DAFT DONKEYFUCKING PIECES OF IGNORANT GODDAMN PEICES OF MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!! WHY THE FUCK SCHEDULE ME FOR 7 AM??? WHAT THE FUCKCKCKCKCKKCCK!!!
I havent brushed ym theeth in 5 days. I was doing so well. My hear is greasy but I have no chance to shower inbetween now and work. I look like a disgusting pig but ive been showering every other day. But I keep forgetting to buy new shampoo so now I have to use luxury shampoo which doesnt fucking work at all. Fucking bs. Im sad. Im disappointed. Wanting to punch myself in the head like the autist i am. The fuck is wrong with me???
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. I think you are struggling. Pick one tiny thing to focus on; turn off your videos, or brush your teeth, or shower or try to get some sleep. You can’t fix it all right now. You are worth the effort, even when the effort feels impossible.
JAN! Go brush your teeth and stop watching gaming videos! Those are for losers who never move out of their mother’s basement. Take a day off or something and get your mind right. Go for a bikeride or for a walk outside. You are doing well in the real world when you used to think you wouldn’t even make it this far. Remember how far you have come and can go…You are tougher than you know.
Hey Jan, tomorrow is a new day. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know from interacting with you here for years that you want to be the best you can be, and sometimes you’re too hard on yourself.
You have a tremendous amount of sober time under your belt, and even if you have been watching videos and not keeping up with your hygiene goals, you’re still trying and sometimes that’s the best we can do. We’re not perfect and you should still be proud of all the work you have done.
The most important thing is that you keep pushing forward We’re here for you!
I’ve not introduced myself before but I’ve read almost all your posts.
Sorry to hear you’re having one of those times - last week was one for me.
You have been an inspiration to me. There have been times when I’ve been craving and I would think of you and how you keep trying and pushing yourself and I just want to be like that. I really truly admire you and thank you for everything that you have been for me just by sharing.
You’re on the right track, friend - you can get through this day. I believe in you and support you all the way! I hope that your work will go quick and you can take some time to unwind afterward.
Big hugs. Plenty of people watch videos of video games. That doesn’t make you a loser. The not being able to control it makes you an addict, like the whole bunch of us on here.
If your schedule is too taxing you need to make arrangements. Do you get some help with organisation? Or do you have ur own strategies? I know my son has real trouble with organisation, tho he is younger than you.
This berating yourself is pointless. Does making yourself feel bad have any practical use? Then stop it. Look for the good progress you HAVE made, and see where you can make more, little by little. That is what we are all doing.
Just some short thoughts. You know what you would tell me when it was me writing the above? Stop the bullshit, Franzi.
What would you tell a friend in this situation, Jan. And the answer is not: yeah, but.
I think it’s a somehow normal reaction to being done, overwhelmed. Needing to stop. Rest. Taking a walk without your smartphone. I hope you can find some rest. Big hugs!
Aw boo. I wanna give you a big fat hug. Your perfectionism is miserable. Just like mine. I am currently doing exactly the same as you but with a thesis instead of homework and another addiction instead of video games videos. The self flagellation is the same.
Make a schedule. Schedule in sleep! Schedule in teeth brushing. Use your thread for accountability.
You gotta either work fewer hrs or study fewer courses, whichever is possible. You’re doing too much.
You’re not alone. And you’re not a loser. Shit is just hard.
I am glad you wrote that all out and hope it gave you some relief. You are not a loser. You are just overwhelmed sometimes. All in all you are doing great with some blips in the road here and there.
Have some beneficial you time… not watching videos, outside, regardless of how crummy the weather may or may not be is a good choice. Maybe you can take a pic of something out there in your world to share with us? A new healthy past time will cut into your busy schedule but could do your head a world of good making you more effective in a lot of the areas of your life that you feel like you are failing in. We know what two of your Dutch neighbors areas look like, but no idea on yours… Hopefully it will give you some joy!
You are not a failure, you are not a loser…
Big hugs Jan!
Being overwhelmed sucks. It makes everything feel so insurmountable.
Are you doing too much? Is there anything you could scale back on?
I regularly have to go through a process of trying to work out my priorities and scaling back the things that don’t meet them. It is hard because I want to be able to do all the things all the time and do them all perfectly! Sound familiar?! Sometimes it helps me to think what I would say to a friend or anyone who was struggling with the amount they have to do. Feeling like they are not doing enough, or just not enough. I would probably tell them to focus on all the things they are doing, to remind them that no one is perfect, that we all struggle and that they are not defined by the things they do. We are human BEings after all.
One of my friends once said something to me that sticks with me. When I was going through what felt like a fairly dramatic process of letting go at the time, I felt so lost. I said something like, but who am I if I’m not doing all these things? She said, you’re Sian. So simple. But it made me realise that I do not like people because of their achievements (or otherwise). I like people because they are kind, funny, fun to be around, interesting or whatever.
I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s OK to be disappointed when things don’t work out as we’d like. And it’s OK for things to not work out as we’d like!
Dude I am so glad you could vent and let that shit out here, fucking perfect!!! Now it’s about what are you going to do to change the situation like people have mentioned already. I just wanted to jump on here and say you are an amazing person and are so loved here Jan. Keep letting that shit out anytime you need to, this is a safe place for you Please give us an update when you can man ok? Have a good day buddy, you are awesome
Edit: And you are not a loser bro, you’re an addict
(I moved back into my parents’ basement in my 30s while I went back to school. Saved me easily $40K in food and rent over 4 years. I’m deeply grateful to them for helping me out so I could finish my studies.)
@Crazy_Dutchie “the crazy idea that I don’t do my best unless I’m perfect” - I get this completely. My mind clicks into that mode often. It is one of the things I am un-learning in my life now.
I have created a list on my phone that I call my “Constructive Failure Log”. I keep a note of every time I do something less than perfectly - every time I try something without worrying about being perfect or knowing everything before I start - every time I “fail constructively”. My challenge to myself is to do at least one constructive failure every day.
This morning I did a little “dancing” while I was doing my dynamic stretches at the gym. It’s the type of thing I wouldn’t have done before because I would have felt goofy. But I chose to do it today and maybe I did look goofy but I’ll tell you what else happened: my body got a good stretch in after my workout, across my arms and my legs.
Hope you’re ok Jan. Did you fail constructively today?
Good you let it out @Crazy_Dutchie !
I send you big hugs
You are a good person and days can be overwhelming hard. Hope you could sleep a bit. We are here for you, vent away when you need it
Surprisingly, yes. By giving all those pushed away frustrations a voice, by not deleting anything I write and writing anything I think I’ve come to realise a ton of repressed frustration. And there’s a lot of that.
I have never not repressed everything. I never allow this pain that is crying to get out. I’ve come to realise that I’m living by implementing one coping mechanism after the other without ever truly letting myself feel.
All I do is reason how I feel. Therapy has helped a ton. And I can work on the obvious issues there. But I’ve reached a stalemate caused by my innate need to repress. I have no new strings to give my psychologist to pull. But by giving that pain a voice for 30 minutes I was able to scratch the surface of my problems that feed my self-destructive tendencies.
At least that’s what I think. But I’m no professional. And my head has lied to me before. I feel confident about it though.
My manager told me she wants to drastically reduce my hours. From 40 hours to 12. That’s gonna be pricey. But I told her I’d be okay with it anyway. It’s not like I’m poor or anything, I’ll simply have to start budgeting. This will be a great exercise for me as I love throwing away money.
I’m also doing online trainings to find out how to deal with my issues.
I also started going to my psychologist again. Never should’ve put work ahead of my mental health, but now I know it for next time.
Now that I’m about to have a lot of free time I’m going to work on improving my selfcare. This clearly is one of the factors that lead to my self-destructive tendencies.
Thank you Nate. Thank you for telling me this. It means incredibly much to me that you say this
Knowing that I’ve inspired you makes me feel like maybe I’m not as weak as I think I am. Your words are very much appreciated
We’re here for you!
Please give us an update when you can man ok? Have a good day buddy, you are awesome 
