I feel like I’ve spent my life seeking validation, and not finding it, like there’s this hole inside me that can’t be filled.
I just never seem to feel a connection with other people. Socializing always feels like work.
In the past i always told myself i must be doing something wrong, or that people just don’t like me, and this heavily fed into my drinking and drug use.
I’ve been gradually learning that it feels a lot better to be kind to myself, forgive myself, and enjoy my own company. But sometimes i find myself falling back into those old patterns of thinking.
I guess i was just wondering if anybody out there feels the same way, or has any advice.
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Wow. There is a lot to unpack in this, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling all of these very big things all at once.
I suffer from imposter syndrome.
I’ve spent my life seeking validation, not trusting it, and then feel isolated (from alienating and sabotaging all of my relationships).
So, yes, you aren’t alone feeling these things.
Is there something you’re looking for other than that validation?
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Thank you for the encouragement.
I guess i always feel like there’s something missing in my relationships with other people. I can’t relax and i censor myself too much. I just always feel like talking to people is supposed to be satisfying in some way that it just isn’t for me. Then i get angry at myself and at the world.
Sometimes i think I’m just broken inside.
I’m generally happiest when i don’t try to engage with people, but then i feel guilty, like I’m going to die alone if I’m not actively working on this issue every day.
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Not trying to throw myself the world’s biggest pity party. I’m actually pretty happy, most of the time.
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It sounds like awkward and frustrating, for sure.
There isn’t anything particularly disordered by enjoying your own company, nor is there anything broken about finding it a lot less stressful.
People can be a lot, even people we like!
I knew a woman who’d have been considered a “spinster”. She was more than middle-aged at the time when I knew her. She’d spent her whole life single. She never wanted to date nor marry, and had no desire for children.
She loved to travel and to garden…and to be alone with her cats.
She was so immensely kind, and had such a joy about herself.
She knew herself, her values, and her boundaries; and she protected them and never apologized about them.
The incongruous thought it seems for you (and correct me if I’m wrong) is that you don’t want to die alone, but feel more at peace being alone in life.
Is it possible that it doesn’t have to be either/or? That you can have your space and still maintain healthy relationships on your terms?
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Something Ive learned is that I struggle to form truly intimate relationships because I want to keep the real me hidden. I dont want even my best friends to know certain things about my past or my thoughts because Im afraid they wont love my anymore if they knew. So I keep peoplebat arms length, never showing vulnerability, always saying im fine when im not, never wanting to feel like a burden.
So im working on being more open and honest, but it takes practice.
Im also finding that the holes I felt I had that were being fillednwith alcohol andndrugs are now being filled by my Higher Power/God/spirituality. Not sure if that will resonate with you, but several months of prayer and meditation practice have helped me find more self acceptance and self love, which makes me less dependent on external validation. At the same time, it helps me see how much I do have to offer to others.
Thanks for the thought provoking post amd i hope something in my ramble was helpful
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I love meeting new people who become friends , if your happy then thats fine. and nobody wants to die alone , maybe work on your confidence with other people , wish you well
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There’s never a problem having filters.
I sometimes have a problem with my filter less mouth, but I’m getting better, honest 
I never tell people everything about myself, not in AA, and even my wife doesn’t know everything about me.
All we need in life is a bit of happiness and if we find that alone, then that’s fine.
But, have you tried any meetings AA, NA or others.
Your among people who are walking the same path as you are.
They won’t (or shouldn’t) pry into your life, you can say as much or as little as you like or say nothing. You can come and go as you please.
If you’re a bit introverted, maybe online meetings may be the way to start, camera & mic off.
Take care of yourself and be kinder to yourself 
&
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Hi, welcome 
i feel the same way a lot of the time and i feel like this probably contributed to my drinking as it made me care less about embarrassing myself (which almost always led to me embarrassing myself).
I find its so difficult to navigate social situations when building connections with people feels like an inescapable maze filled with booby traps (in my head anyway)
We’ll get better - we don’t need substances!
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It all starts with you…sounds cliché but its true that once you look within and do the work you need to on yourself for yourself then the rest begins to fall into place…you can validate yourself my friend then you wont need it from others, infact if you put your own wellbeing in the hands of others you are playing a very risky game plus putting far too much responsibility on those people…do you really want how you feel about yourself to be in the control of others? What are the traits within you that you want to be validated? You dont have to tell us here if you dont want to but maybe start writing those things down…a professional counsellor could also help you with this. Once you get good with yourself then it really does not matter what others think about you.
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Just to say you aren’t alone. Although I’m married I don’t have any friends. I like people but a don’t seem to have the knack of making friends and I never have. It does leave a big hole, I do my best to fill it with hobbies and my dogs. I hope some of the advice here helps.
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I’ve felt that same way. I found the more i got comfortable with my own company the easier it was to be around others. Its ok to be introverted. Nothing wrong with that.
I also relate to the feeling like its hard to feel a close connection with others. Just sharing that youre feelings arent wrong. They are real and youre doing a good job of processing this with us. You mentioned these feelings would often make you use your drug of choice. Thats putting work into your recovery. Keep at it
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For sure, people pleasing, wanting to be liked, have plagued me my whole life. I went out for drinks (non-alcoholic for me) with work people and after I came home I could barely sleep because I was replaying the conversations to see if I had said anything weird, if other people showed signs if disliking me, comparing my hobbies/career and feeling boring and unambitious etc. A week later had a similar experience with some fellow mum friends. I’m not enough, or too much, or over sharing or not joining in enough. I really felt like not socialising would be easier. But then I feel lonely and rejected. I hear you.
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I’ve felt that way for a long time too. I struggle to form close relationships and i find connection appealing but exhausting. Mostly i still think that people just don’t like me. I dont have any advice. I suppose there’s something there about self-love but you’re already working on that. I just wanted to say you aren’t alone.
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When we are in active addiction we are separated from the sunlight of the spirit. Our disease wants us lonely, isolated and ultimately dead.
Being separated from the sunlight of the spirit we live in darkness and try to fill the God sized hole in our lives with everything BUT God.
You are a child of God and deserving of love and to give love.
My advice…go to AA, get a sponsor, work the steps and pray. 
It worked for me…it can work for you too.
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I would move more in that direction then and let yourself talk to people when you are ready.
why force it?
I ask God to make me friendly, that does help
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Thank you everybody for all your empathy and advice! I never expected so many people to respond and give such thoughtful responses! It really helps just to know I’m not alone. I really appreciate you all.
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I really appreciate you telling me about this woman. She sounds pretty cool. It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that other people are an objective measurementof my worth. But i know myself better than anybody else does. Anyway thanks for the example. It really helped a lot.
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This is a very relevant thread for me. You are not alone in feeling this way.
For me, just today, went to see a play, my boss was directing, in the audience were some colleagues and aquaintances. The play was nice, but the time hanging out before going in and leaving was excruciating. Waving and saying hi to people is fine, but if I just dash off after that, is it rude? I also kinda want to talk to people but not sure what to talk about, am I being boring just asking about work and talking about my kids? And seeing others just effortlessly chatting and hugging, I feel I must be so awkward and boring and cold to not have this. Honestly, my heart kinda broke.
Made worse by coming home and both kids had been out with friends or classmates, and feeling like, Christ, my 12 year old and 16 year old are better at socialising than I am. And a little as we were talking about what they had been up to, I am trying to parent and guide, but seriously, who the hell I am to try to give advice? I am the worst at this! I can only hope that one of the reasons I am like I am is my mother was quite toxic, I grew up with no confidence and as a total people pleaser as I always had to watch out for mum’s moods, and as my kids have had a different upbringing, hopefully they won’t be like me in the future. But I don’t think I will ever be not lonely and not feeling like I am inferior.
Anyway, sorry for hijacking your thread. I was going to share on a different one, but related too much to the original post. I hope you can relate to my sharing what went on in my head today, and it makes you feel less alone.
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I like that!
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