I’m relaying this in hopes I gain a little clarity in asking: My mom asked me to check on my brother today after work because she left him very angry after an upsetting first time court date, and she had to go to work. He was charged with criminal mischief in the 4th degree for harassing my mom. I stopped by and he was clearly under the influence of something. I didn’t make that my business though and checked that he wasn’t tearing up her house in anger like she asked. After a few minutes of small talk he started talking about the nature of the arrest. My mom came home and He immediately began insulting her… very cutting stuff. He is worried about his life being ruined because of these charges… I did engage in conservation with him about accountability and that there is always a little bit of good that comes out of every situation (to paraphrase simply) even though he was under the influence. This kid needs to move out. He has been on a list for supportive housing for over a year supposedly. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I’ve told my mom to make a list of conditions for living in her home, like a lease agreement, and evict him if he breaks the agreement. She gives him free reign of her car. He is really quite unpredictable and I’m afraid to be around him. I don’t think he would hurt me but he gets so angry and is 6’3" and 265lbs… all muscle. It is such a sad situation because growing up he was the glue to our family and the poor kid has been falling apart. He has developed paranoia, manipulative behaviors and is noncompliant with programs that have been offered him.
sad story,
Wish you luck
To me it seems like nothing can happen or move forward until your mother stops “helping” him.
Whether it be from guilt,fear,love or a mix of all those or more it has to stop safely and hold him to his decisions.
He’s not the person you knew,he seems angry and lost and getting his way any way he can.
I know you feel overwhelmed so I would recommend thinking about setting your own boundaries,you need to be able to have some time to think, to be able to take care of yourself.
If you can not take care of yourself,I’m here if you want to talk.
Oh dear, what a horrible situation to be in! How old is your brother? Not sure about supported living in your area, but in the UK a person has to be sober /drug free to qualify. And people can face eviction with one lapse etc. You and your mum are left in horrid situation. Do you have any support from other services, such as mental health or drug services?
My brother will be 21 in a January. He has been on a waiting list (so he says) for over a year for supportive housing. I believe he stopped going to the appointments. He says he lost hope. He probably wouldn’t have admitted to taking anything last night but he was slurring his words, breathing heavily, almost falling asleep at times. I do believe you need to be sober to get in. I think he has bouts of sobriety so maybe a place that will drug test him in order to keep a roof over his head might help in the short term. He seems to have one friend that he says is on cocaine among other things and they just got into a fist fight. He has no place to go, but my mom does have to stop helping him so much. Unfortunately he constantly refers to his rocky childhood, the death of our father when he was 5, the terrible boyfriend that was moved in a couple years later, and being in the house when our brother committed suicide when he was 9. He needs to do a lot of work to get through all that but he thinks he is smarter than all the people that try to help him (therapists/counselors). I have distanced myself when it comes to actually helping because in reality there is nothing I can do. I have only left myself open to listening if he ever wants to talk. Still looking for my magic wand…
Tough situation. But you’re right, you can’t make him be better (healthy). I don’t want to assume anything here but it looks from your post that he’s an addict??? He’s had a bit of bottom but maybe his frequency of using isn’t as frequent as “you expect “. But he’s clearly not dealing with his crap and you mentioned his state was off. This is probably about how I became such a professional alcoholic, it started slowly but boy I practiced until I was at the top of the pack. So maybe I’m reading to much in here. But the truth is if he doesn’t change, the law will step in and take control of his life. So does your mom want to get him out? It might be good for him or maybe it will be the start of … But the truth of it is it’s his choice to live it. A tough choice will eventually have to be made. Have you looked at sober living options? Oxford is the only one that I know of but it is a low fee option. But it’s sober living and guess who he will be surrounded by. People like me and you. Yeah the ones that can call him on his crap and maybe an outsider can get through. But you have to both be strong if shit goes wrong with him living elsewhere you don’t rush to save him. Our actions have choices (as you said) and a little pain teaches us usually!! I know it’s easier to get into a oxford house after an option like treatment or detox but maybe if he goes in clean??? Truth is it doesn’t seem to be easy either way but it’s time to suggest your mom helps him find a different place and sticks to it. And tell her to keep her vehicle for her use. If he has to walk his ass off or beg for rides it might help him understand. But this is a rough thing. Best wishes. It’s time to try to give your mom the courage to HELP him not enable him.
I’m going to look up Oxford and see if it’s an option around here. thanks for the sound advice. Have a great Friday!