Almost 9 months sober. Does anyone else here think about some of the stupid phone calls they’ve done in the past.
So tonight i’ve woke up from having a bad dream, now laying here and can’t stop thinking I remmeber hearing my dad having long drunken phone conversations. He often got hung up on coz of being so argumentative and confrontational. Dad was the Dutch courage caller, and then later on I became the empathetic weirdo caller ,
. Or sometimes just the crying blubbering messy sook who needed a shoulder to cry on. . Next day after sobering up would remember I rang someone then aw no I’d honestly just want to smack myself in the head or curl up in a ball of shame! I was bad ,sometimes I’d ring my old school friends or even my hubby’s mates, Or a just a random long lost cousin who I got on well with. At times I remember I would just casually check and see if they were ok at like 3am in the morning , Oh man I make myself cringe with how stupid I was. I’ve never had the courage to go back to them all and apologise for the idiot I was for ringing and blabbering on like the drunken fool that I was. I’m just laying here feeling so guilty. Feeling a bit stuck in the past right now. 
Oof, sloppy drunk calls, such deep shame. That is your past and it is okay to learn from it and forgive yourself. You don’t do that anymore. You have grown and changed. Yes, we did bad things, hurt our selves and others and yes, we can be compassionate to our selves and forgive our selves and move on. I don’t miss those horrible wake ups and realizing whatever I did. No, I don’t miss that at all.
Maybe now you give those folks a call during the day every now and again to check up on them, see how they are, apologize for the old calls and let that past go, with love and thanks for the lessons learned. 
I feel this. Except mine wasn’t drunk phone calls. It was texts. Hundreds of texts that made absolutely no sense. Just word soup, and typos autocorrect tried its best to save. And the thing about texts is the person you sent them to has them FOREVER. Ugh. So embarrassing.
Developing empathy for my drunken self and settling with past bad acts was essential to a comfortable sobriety for me. It has to do with growing into humility (not shame, but the idea that we are human and gaining perspective on how others are human as well).
The steps of AA, like many spiritual (i.e. fully human) paths, has to do with reconnecting to our true nature - we are part of a divine, a universal, a greater whole. Then from that strength grows the faith and courage to expose and examine our motives and actions. That understanding allows us to bring our current actions, feelings, and ideas, into alignment with what ought to be, what could be, what our higher self is.
The steps allowed me to trust that things were going to be okay if I examined my past, that things were going to be okay if I took actions to amend my behavior and atone for my past bad acts, that things are okay today and will be okay tomorrow.
Shame feels shitty. Shame is also a bright light shining on the disconnect between what we sometimes do or did, and what we know we are called to do. Embarrassment and humiliation can be supplanted by serenity.
I was able to overcome the shame of my late night phone calls (and other acts that induced much more guilt) in individual counseling, in participation at peer support (AA meetings), and in formally working the steps of the AA program with an AA sponsor. This can happen for you, too, perhaps in the way it worked for me, perhaps along another path.
Nine months is a big deal. Being sober is a real grownup thing to do, and we all need help getting there and staying there. Every little thing is gonna be alright 
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Ahhhhh nothing worse 
I was a drunk messenger
I used to wake up and go through my messages and delete them all without reading them
Most of the time it was messaging women seen as I was such a stud when drunk 
Yes, I was told to “give up all hopes of a better past”.
Thanks all for your replys.I managed to get back to sleep ,getting that good sleep helps to shoo away those negative thoughts. Waking up to such thoughtful and knowledgeable comments to read is such a great help also. I really appreciated all the positive feedback everyone tyvm 
We sound related, except I was the verbal version of your word soup texts, by the end of my conversations I vaguely remember I literally would start speaking an alien language consisting of beep and meep meep sounds. Aaarggh
I try to use my shame over my past as a reminder that I am growing and no longer participating in those behaviors. I also use it to remind myself not to go back that way. I know what happens if I go back that way. Onward!!
I know I’ve done tons of drunk texting and it’s not cute. But people probably aren’t as put off as you think. I’m sure though they want you to control your drinking, or more likely stop. I’m sure if you run into them later you’ll have a laugh about it apologize and go on with your day.
I can relate to all of this. And also social media posts. Dev is I think especially during the pandemic there were so much going on and I want it while now I still feel the same way. Sometimes I want to say something I like talking with him feels better in the morning.
Just look at it as more motivation to stay sober. That’s your past, and that’s where it will stay.
While I never did the whole drunk call or text thing, I have a couple friends that are bad with it. Like if they call after around 7 in the evening, I know they’re wasted and don’t pick up. My dad too, was awful with the drunken phone calls, especially when he was blasted on pain meds toward the end. He’d get crying drunk and call old friends that would call back when he was sober to see if he was OK. He’d always be super embarrassed about it too, but I don’t think his friends judged him on it as much as he judged himself when he sobered up.
Point is, you might be beating yourself up over stuff that people don’t even remember.
Queen of the drunk texters, Id text people I was mad at and tell them exactly what I thought of them AND their mother lol … so embarrassing the next day then the apologies to follow. Gotta let yourself off the hook
At least you are not doing it anymore…
I completely relate. Mine was more often than not drunken rage texts or emails. I would rage in these communications and say the most vial, hateful things. It was very shameful for me. I’d wake up the following day mortified at the things I’d have said in these messages,
Thankful I don’t need to worry about that now. Still working on forgiveness for myself for sending them. Have thought of making amends to those that received them but they usually sent to ex BFs that were abusive.
Great that you got back to sleep and found some rest.
I’m a person who sometimes forgets about time. I use to call my friends in the evening as most of them are working during the day and guess what: I sometimes call people after 10 pm totally sober when I can’t sleep and got lost in a longer chitchat before To be honest, I also sometimes receive calls pretty late for the same reason, so I think you don’t have to be drunk to call or text at weird hours.
The content of course is another story. Forget about the past, we don’t do this anymore and behave like responsible adults now: We call and are nice at appropriate hours (mostly) 
This is such a great thread. Thank you for starting it. I especially love everyone that said, it’s a reminder of what we used to be, and past is gone. And another big difference now is I’m a big big big time morning person. So now as the evening comes, I feel like I have less energy to talk. There are so many people that I want to get in touch with but sometimes I just want to go to sleep. But then I wake up at like 5 AM and say boy, I would love to call this person but I know that’s not a good time either.
I was the exact same way. I would delete messages not knowing what i said and then anxiety would be so high what i said i would drink the next night.
Waking up with understanding of the night before is so important to me.
The past is a strong tool to remind and encourage us why we chose sobriety. I don’t often get cravings these days but if I do I immediately remember the person I was when I drank and realize I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to live in shame from my choices I want to walk through life fully aware of what’s going on! Being able to wake up everyday and remember my days prior is one of my favorite things about sobriety. One day at a time, take it in stride!
This is such a good topic. I kinda turned slightly infamous for my ranty drunken walls of texts. My best friend said that my gravestone will probably just have an engraved literal wall of crazy text.
Jokes aside, I’ve hurt people and said (and wrote) some terrible things while under the influence. I cringe at the thought. (I can think of one 3-hour phonecall I do no remember to some bloke I went on one tinder date with. The date happened months before the phonecall. To this day, I have no clue what we talked about. And that’s just a very mild example).
It got to the point where I’d wake up full of panic and terrified of looking at my phone. And yeah, I’d delete the texts so I wouldn’t have to face reality.
Did it stop me from drinking and drugging? Of course not! I would install fucking apps on my phone to lock me out. Apps a semi IT savy blackout drunk me could easily circumvent. (I think one app had me solve math problems to gain back access to my phone. As it turns out, blackout drunk me knows simple maths.)
Yeah, cringe. Depressing. Sad.
Never again. I like sober me.