The 2 full-time jobs and 3 kids. I’m exhausted all the time… I feel like my kids arent getting the best me.
The nightmares are intense lately. So when I do get to sleep I don’t feel like I’m resting. I find my self seeking attention from the wrong people. Well… Not the wrong people but people that don’t have it to give. Which leaves me feeling rejected. I’m working on that. I know I’m just lonely…
Mostly I’m struggling with this sense of obligation. My day job gave me my fresh start. It was so good for me at the time. And my boss is absolutely awesome. But now that I have this night job I could make it with just the one job. I get benefits. And it pays more. And it’s a better schedule. But I know my boss at my day job would be screwed if I quit. Why do I feel so obligated… Like I owe them something?
Recently I found myself thinking about a night out… The whole shabang… Bar. Bands. Booze. Friends. I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I wasn’t tempted… Just found myself missing it… the social I think is the appeal, not the booze… Ironic isn’t it. As an addict I was lonely but never alone. Now I’m just alone. Funny how all your “friends” disappear when you get your shit together isn’t it.
Sorry I know I’m just rambling on. I’ve been awake for 36 hours. And I need a nap lol and there’s just so much on my mind. So I’m going to post this mildly incoherent rambling post and see if anyone gets it
It’s so enlightening to know that I’m not alone in how I’ve been feeling. Im just now getting starting with my journey of self improvement and I can completely relate to everything you’ve said.
Especially on the feeling Obligated unnecessarily.
This was my sobriety calendar quote for the day:
I must have a singleness of purpose to do my part in God’s work. I must not let material distractions interfere with my job of improving personal relationships. It is easy to become distracted by material affairs, so that I lose my singleness of purpose. I do not have time to be concerned about the multifarious concerns of the world. I must concentrate and specialize on what I can do best.
Okay so first off all GIRL GET IT!! Your hustling your way through life and trust me I can completely relate to everything you are feeling. If you feel like You’ll be ok with one job and that’s fine. If you feel like you value your time more with your kids and want to just have one job that’ll be good enough THAN DO THAT. BUT if you feel like it would be nice to not have to worry about money so much or to be able to take your kids to the zoo or do something with a good chunk of money. Than DO THAT. COMMUNICATE with your morning boss and tell them your situation. Tell them that you’ll only be able to provide your services until the end of the year or 3 months or whatever you think can get you a good chunk of money that you can have put away. Like I said I know how you must feel because I’ve been there. But just know that if you haven’t heard it from anybody else IM SO FREAKN PROUD OF YOU. YOUR DOING SUCH AN AMAZING JOB. and even though we struggle with all kinds of issues we still get up and work our asses off for our kids. You said something about you not giving your best when your with your kids and all I gotta say about that is BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. They love you so much just because your Alive.
So write out everything:
Pros and cons and
Set up a plan.
Whatever you decide, just make sure that at the end of the day YOU are happy .
First off you are one incredible woman !
Hard working, choosing to sustain from addictions and empathetic.
Being a mom is a challenge because you get used to putting yourself second. It’s okay to choose you.
Take that one job that will be best for you and your kids. If your boss is as awesome as you mentioned they will understand.
As for the selection of partners, know your worth ! You ARE worthy and beautiful from the inside out, and deserve an amazing suitor.
I know things will get better for you. You are truly incredible.
I do agree with everything you’re saying. And it is possible that the nightmares are worse bc of stress. But also spring break was the first time he beat the crap outta me. So it’s probably a little triggering as well. Thank you for your words. Great advice.
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Although, while a suitor is definitely part of it, I mean in general. Friends, family all of it. I just feel isolated.
I think everyone hit on the job thing pretty good. I get the “friends” thing. It’s been 2 years about since I hung out with anyone outside of work or extracurricular activities. Now, it doesn’t bother me that much. It does get easier, but for someone that was very sociable there will always be that want. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don’t. I think it’s more we have to work harder to change how we develop friendships that are healthy for us.
I always drank alone as well. I was much the same. Being around others drinking doesn’t bother me either. It’s more a problem they have feeling awkward than a problem we have.
I’m the worst person to give advice about working too much cause we’ll uou know my crazy work schedule, no way I could balance 3 kids on top of it.
I understand the sense of obligation, I got a great job made great friends there, and I’m content naturally as you know it’s not my forever job, but it’s comfy.
But we all know I have a severe loyalty to Brian and dealing with my weekend nonsense cause he can’t find someone to replace me. I’d love to have more than one damn day off a week. Cause what suffers the most is the things I love the most, my family, my music, my close friends.
I almost feel as if work is mh way of escaping life, which is how I ended up getting wasted all
The time add on the stresses of when I was living in PA and it just made it worse.
I look at my life now and I think and your gonna say you know, it can be better, living off Uber eats and some laundry service doing my laundry.
I know all too well about how certain times of the year can trigger shitty memories, shitty nightmares. And how to cope with it can be difficult,
I’d give you advice but then I need to take my own, and we’ll we know how well that goes over, but your so much like me, work almost feels like it helps the time pass faster. And it does, but I’m realizing how short I’m falling of my goals. But I got money to buy dumb shit.
Yeah. I know you get it. It’s always a balancing act. I’m scared to let go of the one job bc everytime things balance out and I could make it with the one some stupid shit happens and the other job digs me out financially. It is what it is for now I guess.
I know SOC pays my child support, kinda the only reason I stay, but I think the next time I ask for a day off so I can go and do something and they give me a hard time, it’s gonna be a war, I got places to go people to see. My full time job I can just be like yo going to California with an aching in my heart, they are like see you when you get back.
and there’s just so much on my mind. So I’m going to post this mildly incoherent rambling post and see if anyone gets it 
.
we survive. Then we thrive.