Throughout my life I’ve lacked a sense of purpose/meaning. I’ve fought an internal battle with myself for the past decade trying to accept life the way it is. I’ve been sober for a good bit (although this isn’t the longest stretch I’ve had), and I’m unsatisfied with life.
I’m not lazy, I work two jobs over 60 hours a week. I’ve used many qualities I had during my addiction to push myself hard to be the “best” and always set the bar high for myself. I go through each day as if I’m in active addiction, where the days are all a blur and seem to blend together (harder to distinguish one from another).
I’ve continued to deal with issues/financials from my addiction that still haunt me to this day. No matter how hard I try to push forward, something is always pulling me back. My health isn’t great (but it could be worse). At 31 I have far more health related issues than people my age. I often compare myself to others and don’t feel like I’m where I should be (and think of what my life would have looked like if I hadn’t gone down this path).
Many people often say, “I wouldn’t change things because I wouldn’t be who I am today,” however, I would instantly take the blue pill if it meant getting a second chance to do things differently. I’m very isolated, I don’t talk to many people. I’m constantly lethargic and probably malnourished from constantly being on the go at work. I’m hoping there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I just don’t see it. I’ve only got a year and a half clean, but the last time I was at this milestone I was far happier, felt more accomplished, and had a solid program I worked (I rarely make it to meetings these days).
Any advice/criticism or constructive feedback welcome. I’m not sure how these blogs work (whether they’re journal entries or community support forums).
Welcome aboard @natel4545
Maybe its time to start the solid program again, start engaging with others in recovery make some new friends have people to talk to.
Its important to look after yourself (in recovery or not) eat well, get enough rest, staying hydrated. Maybe have a genetal healtgmh check up make sure you don’t have any deficiencies.
Often the consequences of our drinking echo long into recovery, financial decisions, health, relationships. But eventually things start to settle again and sober life becomes second nature and the consequences of choosing to be sober start to show.
Hang in there, you’re not alone 
Welcome Nate 
That’s a rough spot to be in. Feeling low like that is discouraging.
My advice would be to get back into the meetings and the program. Humans need connection (that’s why the L in HALT is Lonely). There’s nothing to lose in getting back into a program, and a lot to gain.
The effort to find what you need is worth it. Stay humble and be willing to take advice from people who have what you’re looking for. It will make a difference.
Welcome to Talking Sober!
Hey brother, it’s definitely tough and I can fully relate to you. I have almost 19 years and I fall into these slumps now and then right now more then ever due to a divorce and other shit. We can be hard on ourselves because we expect everything right now. Sounds like you have out a few days together so good for you you need to give credit where credit is due. It’s hard sometimes especially for addicts. I would try to get to more meetings if you can it will help for sure. I don’t know your spiritual or religious beliefs but I’ve always been told that god or whatever you believe in has a plan for us. And I’m still trying to figure that out. And I probably never will until I’m on the dark side of the sod. Keep your head up. You’re sober so you’re doing something right. Sorry if I didn’t touch on everything you said. Remember you’re not alone. Luv you brother
I can relate to a lot of this. I’m 47 and have battled a lot of what you describe. Just remember that you have a lot of life to live and plenty of good years ahead if you can introduce some change to your habits.
The commenters above give some good suggestions.
What came to mind for me as I was reading your post is that all of the things you are beating yourself up for are likely creating overwhelm. And since you’re a hard worker I’d expect you might think you need to work harder to overcome them.
I’d suggest starting VERY small. Instead of thinking you need to get back into meetings or social events entirely, maybe just go to one meeting or one social event this week. Instead of thinking you need to change your diet entirely, try to have one healthy meal. Create small wins for yourself and don’t try to eat the elephant in one sitting.
I wish you well. And congrats on the clean time - and for having the insight and honesty that you show.