Well, today things arent too bad cravings wize and thats been an absolute relief. Im no longer reaching for a penjamin when im home so thats been nice. Ive still thought of it and thought about doing it and wanted to do it but my insticts are starting to come away from it at least and now its more just my conscious self wanting it more than my subconscious. Ive been in a lot of pain from a car accident i was in which has made all of this really difficult to go through since my instinct is to smoke to feel better. But im mostly glad that my unending cravings for it are going away. Ive started looking at support groups like some people on this app have suggested. None in person for me becaude of location and timeframes but i have found an online one to try starting saturdays. I really dont want to do it but im tryong to edge my way into these things. Its against my nature to take and accept help because theres usually strings attached and ive learned that id rsther struggle than deal with those strings but i think this will most likely not have those strings, and worst comes to worst theres always other online meetings to try. Im trying to take inspiration from my grandpa who recently became just over a year sober from alcohol and what he did was he loaded up 5 days a week with AA meetings amd found ways to keep his time occupied. Thats what ive been tryong to replicate. Im not a very social person, but im tryong to make those efforts and focus on strengthening and gaining those good aspects of myself instead of shitting on myself all the time. Its hard, im my own worst enemy when it comes from that. Its hard for me to look past my flaws, but im learning that this mentality is just going ti eat at me and right now i need all the help i can give myself so im working on it. Ive debated therapy but i think at this point in time itd he too hard for me to go through. I dont like the idea of telling a stranger all my personal life issues and then being told things and i know thats not what all therapy is like but i think i need to take baby steps. Im working towards it. Coming on here everyday and making the posts i make is my way of working towards this. If i can tell strangers online then maybe eventually i can feel comfortable enough for some one on one therapy time. My anger isnt as bad today and my triggers arent as plentiful, but that issue still persists. The biggest problem for me has weirdly been my fiancee. Everything shes doing is triggering the crap out of me and the worst part is shes just trying to be helpful. And i totally get that. But with all this tension and me being on edge the last thing i want is to be asked a billion questions and hear a lomg pointless story about how one coworker is mad at another rn. I love her a lot, and i work my way through it but the whole time im boiling inside because i couldnt care less about a strangers petty bs at work rn that is typically the gist of the story, people being petty. That crap already annoys me that people act that way but then to have to sit down and hear a long story about it has been super tough. Thankfully, shes understanding and when i pop off she doesnt get mad. She knows im on edge and that its not her its me and how im feeling at the moment. My mood swings have also been pretty wild lately. Happy to angry to numb back to angry (skipped sad and now i feel like kicking his ass). Sorry had to add the anger management quote, felt wrong not to and seemed pretty fitting. My new personal goal is to not be so negative in my daily feelings dumps and to at least end on a good note. So that being said, i get to work with a friend of mine of friday and earn some extra duty time doing so and ive been really looking forward to that. I try to keep these more positive things in mind with all the anger ive been going through. Anyways, thats all for me today. Wrote this on my lunch break and dont have time to spell check so i hope i didnt make any spelling mistakes, excuse any that i did make. Amd remember, Goosfraba.
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Sounds like a good plan, just slowly taking baby steps is better than nothing! Keep it going, 3 days is not a coincidence, it has been your decision you can be proud of
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