I’ve been lurking around here forever and post every once in a while talking about how I’m ready to quit drinking. But I never did. And it got worse. I hide this from everyone. Even my therapist, who I’ve seen for 2 years for anxiety and depression. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t quit or cut back. It feels like a personal failure. Because I judge myself so harshly I assume others will judge me the same way. Don’t want more guilt.
But I finally realized I can’t do this alone. I have a regularly scheduled therapy appointment tomorrow. I was afraid I’d chicken out at the time and not bring it up. So I asked if I could email her something before our session. I confessed in that email that I hadn’t been honest with her, that I had a problem, and that I needed help. It was terrifying.
I’m now terrified of facing her tomorrow and having to talk about it. She’s nothing but kind and supportive. I feel like I’ve let her down. I know I’ve let myself down.
And I want to add that while I think I’m a failure, I’m no way near that judgmental of others who deal with addiction. I can find compassion for all of you that I can’t find for myself.
I’ve had similar fears about therapy and not answered the calls or cancelled at the last minute. I find what works for me is the day I have the session make sure I start the day with healthy habits so I’m in the right flow for the day and also don’t think about it. Aslong as that space is reserved for the day there’s not much to worry about. If you’re committed enough to helping yourself and seeking help you’ll be there.
I’m super proud that you admitted this to someone and to all of us. Tomorrow could be really freeing for you. It might feel scary but you will finally be getting your full money’s worth from someone you are paying to hear your truths. Be open, be brave and see what happens.
I did the same thing with my therapist and wasted literally thousands. Your anxiety and depression will diminish significantly if you can get sober. What’s your plan for that? Hopefully your therapist can give you some directions.
It can be hard to admit things. I went to a doctor for drinking and it was so scary but I finally got the help I needed. Great idea to email before hand. We are all behind you!
Edit - but I haven’t admitted to the same Dr that I am now again struggling with binge eating. For the same reason as you, I don’t want to let him down after he helped with one thing.
Good on you for coming clean! That first hurdle can be hard. I went to my first few therapy sessions hammered and my therapist only heard of it when we had agreed to work together and it was all safe. That was over three years ago and I’m glad I put in the work I did. Therapy cannot work with one leg still in our addiction. If there’s always that escape, we won’t face ourselves in therapy like we need to. I also have had depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I feel you. Went through a 2year therapy when I was younger and before sobriety, did nothing for me.
Your story hits home with me …one of things that helped jolt me into sobriety was the compassion i got from people following a drunken incident where i also thought i would be judged so harshly, i wasnt i was blessed with compassion, understanding and help even from strangers and then in turn i felt strong enough to just be honest and i was relieved, you can do this because you deserve a better life, u are cared for more than u realise, alcohol doesnt only numb bad feelings it numbs the good too, sobriety and honesty will allow you to deal with the bad but feel the good again, my love to you
Thank you all for your encouragement. I was completely honest with my therapist. So I guess that’s a start. She said she admired my courage for speaking up. But it felt like part of it was a lecture about how bad this is for me. No shit. I know all that. That bothered me. She also really didn’t have much help to offer. She mentioned a treatment center here for either inpatient or outpatient. AA. I said I’d at least Google them. I have major reservations about both that I won’t get into here. Overall I came away disappointed and somewhat upset.
Now I need to work up the courage to call my psychiatrist about my meds and what we can do from that side of things.
At least I’m not going to drink tonight. Probably going to bed early. I have a crashing headache.
