Well I told on myself today. I took accountability. I’ve been hiding my addiction from my family and lying to myself, telling myself I could “kick it at the right time”, but the right time never came. The guilt has been eating away at me, I’ve hit new lows, and the cycle of withdrawal has kept me going back. Today I came clean to my grandma, who me and my kids live with, in the hopes she can help hold me more accountable and I can truly get through it this time. I told her I don’t know how I’m going to get through withdrawals while still having to care for my two young kids. I wanted to go to an impatient detox, but my 70 year old grandma can’t keep up with my kids by herself, and there’s no one else to help, so she’s looking into an outpatient program. I’m scared. I’ve never been through anything like this before. I’m concerned I won’t be able to truly kick it without going to an impatient facility. I’m scared that the workload I’m gonna have to carry at home while I’m detoxing will make this journey too hard for me to be successful. I’m worried for my children. I’m so tired of being sick every day that I’m not high. And I’m tired of feeling like I have to be high just to feel normal anymore and make it through the day. Honestly, I don’t even get high anymore, it just makes me feel normal and not sick. Until I start coming down, and then I’m miserable. So today was my “last time” again… but hopefully it’s my last time for good. Any advice or even just words of kindness or positivity would be really appreciated. TIA
You’re not alone. Many of us are in similar situations. Try not to see this as one massive hurdle in your life. Today is all that matters, can you get through today? Can you commit to getting to bed tonight clean? Thats all you need to do right now.
No massive plans, no additional work load just navigate today and get to bed tonight sober and youve accomplished something.
Commit to morning and night check in’s here for the next 30 days.
Thata all you need to do right now 
I know things might seem overwhelming and impossible right now but you did the best possible thing you could do for your recovery which is talk to somebody you trust about what’s really going on. Don’t ever forget that you have options. Even if you can’t go to inpatient maybe there is a way to help you detox safely at home or through outpatient. Or possibly maybe there’s another way for you to actually do inpatient. Obviously impatient is probably the best especially if it’s alcohol, opiates, or benzos…You might have to do some things that you don’t necessarily want to do right now but it’s for the best for you and for your family. Even though you might not feel up to it reach out to programs or Internet search and find numbers to call And be honest just like you were with your grandmother about needing professional help especially with the withdrawals. you can put that old life behind you and be the best version of yourself for you and for your family. I know in the beginning it might seem like a lot but it does get better if you put your recovery before every else. It doesn’t matter what the bottom is what matters is that you’re fed up and tired of your life and you can’t continue to live like you currently are. Fortunately there is help and you don’t have to do this alone. Also continue to reach out on here and read around. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
Way to go on being honest with family and yourself. You’re right - you can’t do this alone. I couldn’t either. I was stuck in my addiction for too long because of the fear of withdrawal. The little bit I experienced in between highs was hell on earth. I was addicted to opioids and needed them daily just to function “normal”. Inpatient treatment was out of the question having a disabled daughter. But I did find an outpatient detox. Best decision I made. They provided an Uber so I didn’t have to worry about driving while being medicated. I went in the morning and was home in the evenings (same amount of time I’d be at work). No disruption at home other than me feeling sick and struggling through mom duties but it’s a small blip in time compared to the grand scheme of life. That detox lasted 10 days then I went into an intensive outpatient program 3 days a week. Personally, I liked the outpatient approach because I was able to incorporate my sobriety into my daily life right from the start.
Keep us posted on your journey. My inbox is always open if you ever wanna chat.
Hey @Maceyrn its normal to have worries about changing a habit. Good for you for being honest with your grandma. Theres hope if you can get through today sober. Try your best not to borrow fear and worry from the future. Try to focus on the day at hand and the next right action. Keep it simple and get what support you can.
In this case perhaps consider a suboxone taper with an outpatient provider?
Acceptance is the key for me
I have a obsession over alcohol at the moment. I have dreams about it but no matter what I don’t pick up.
Why?
Because I realize and accept I have a problem and know for a fact the damage it will do
if you can’t get to detox or rehab it’s not then end of the world but you need to relise picking up might just be the end of your life. It takes 1 time.
It’s not normal to obsess over a substance
You can get sober. 
And thank you for this thread. It helps me sort out my thoughts on my sobriety