Hello…I’m Cress and I’ve been sober for 10 days. I realise I’ve been on a journey of personal seeking since I was 26, I’m now 46. During the last 20 years I’ve been unraveling and working on the intergenerational trauma I’ve experienced, passed down from my grandparents and parents and those before them.
I always thought alcohol was the core issue, but over time have discovered it has been the trauma experienced from childhood through teenage hood that fueled the desire to self medicate, numb and escape the pain I’ve been carrying, through alcohol.
This year I put dedicated time, money and energy into my self care, using various therapies, books, research, and creating the boundaries I’ve needed to reach the point where I can feel alcohol simply keeps me in a trauma based state of mind. And I no longer need it.
For the first time since trying to get sober at 29, and with the longest period being 6 months, I finally feel I am in the right place to overcome my addictive pattern.
But I also know I need to do the work and take accountability, so this is my first post in doing so. I know there will be times I’ll crave and be tempted to relapse. Today I will continue to work on ‘one day at a time’, be present and grateful for so many things in my life and for what the future has just around the corner.
If it could be of help to anyone, the work of Gabor Maté has been integral to finally having clarity for my life’s journey…
Well done! And i come from exactly the same place from you and about to read Gabor Mate new book, im 12.5 days sober, we have got this! Lets all support each other!
Thank you, and you! What lovely synchronicity . I hope you enjoy his book and find some tools and enlightenment with it. I’m looking forward to starting his Hungry Ghosts book, but have watched a lot of his teachings on YouTube
This resonated with me. I had the same realization that continuing to drink fueled a shame cycle that was just a way for me to continue to drink. Initially, drinking made me feel calm, relieved, and bold. It quieted all of my self doubt, insecurities, and traumas. I could talk to people. I was funny. I enjoyed being social. But I never had a healthy relativity alcohol. I always took it too far. I would then feel ashamed and guilty for my behavior and pledge to have more control or abstain. Inevitably I would play the familiar song in my head where the lyrics go, ‘Oh, you can just have one because you have been so good blah blah,’ and then, boom, right back at the shame cycle where I doubt myself, feel insecure, ruminate on traumas, and feel isolated from people, I want to drink to feel connected, I do, and then I take it too far and hate myself again. Ugh, it’s exhausting just typing it all. I remember how exhausting it was just to keep the cycle turning! When I removed alcohol, I was back to feeling insecure, to ruminating, to feeling isolated and different, but I started to work on that instead of trying to numb it and cover it up. Turns out I am just kind of eccentric, I have a learning disability a specialist diagnosed in my adult years, and I have interests that are unique, but finally doing the work to accept myself as I am has made me love all of it and respect my brain and delight in its uniqueness. Alcohol made me feel like it was my bridge to reaching people and having them accept me. All it did was put even more distance between me and others. And even more distance between me and my true self that I accept and honor.
Thank you so much for your candour and sharing your experience with me, it means a lot. I can certainly relate to some of it. For me it’s been a pattern of bingeing, never morning or day drinking or every day drinking, but 9 times out of 10, blacking out when drunk. Over time I’ve done this solo at home, so as to be safe, which of course is very isolating, when all alcohol makes me want to do is feel connection.
Many times I’ve gone to parties or gatherings and been the only person not drinking and have mostly found it’s those occasions I’ve felt real celebration. Especially the morning after when there are no feelings of shame or regret for not remembering what I’ve said or how I’ve behaved.
There is a quote by Brene Brown that reminds me of your words…
‘True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.’
Hi there!! Lovely words, thank you. Yes, definitely finding my way out of the wilderness, and coming into the wondrous . Glad you’ve also discovered Gabor
Just seen that book will take a look at that, yes he is a great influence, how are you feeling tonight? Im drinking tea and deciding what to watch tonight, going well so far no urges
I’m doing well, also relaxing on the sofa watching a video with Dr Rangan Chatterjee interviewing Bryony Gordon called ‘Everything you think you know about addiction and trauma’…had a lovely lunch with a friend earlier and looking forward to a lazy Sunday tomorrow
I’m sorry glad you are here! Connection is key, and you will find some true sobriety angels in this forum. Welcome! I got sober at age 45. Best decision ever.
Thank you! I’m glad I’m here too…in the past I’ve tried AA, but it never felt like the right fit, though I also knew finding a community was fundamental. I’ve come across Smart Recovery and Dharma Recovery and will try meetings with both. Buddhism keeps coming up for me and I’m very drawn to it. Congrats on your years of sobriety - it’s very inspiring
. I hope you enjoy his book and find some tools and enlightenment with it. I’m looking forward to starting his Hungry Ghosts book, but have watched a lot of his teachings on YouTube 
. I’m checking in daily, reading and learning and will continue to do so 
keep it up you are strong 
