I’m struggling to find the ability to forgive myself as I approach 50 days sober and am accepting the fact that I will never be able to drink again. I am just looking for some advice or some anecdote, something to show me that it is possible to forgive myself and move on. I no longer look in the mirror and hate myself. I have worked so hard the last six years to genuinely change. I am proud of myself for that. Things have not been easy and I’ve always looked at quitting drinking as one of the last steps to true change. As that time approaches, and as externally my life appears to improve, and as my physical health improves, I’m still emotionally fragile. I don’t know how to stop hurting and how to let myself feel like I deserve anything special. I quit drinking in part because I don’t want to settle. I want to make a difference. I want to do something that matters and I want someone in my life to share a great life with. Not just something ordinary. I know have that if I don’t feel like I deserve it, and I can’t feel like I deserve it if I can’t forgive myself for things that happened years ago while I was so hooked drugs and alcohol.
Forgiveness, to yourself, is a long and tough row to hoe.
Part of forgiveness is acceptance; accepting that you cannot change the past and what is, is.
Another part is being at peace with what is. We may not like, but being at peace is a way to let it go.
One of the final parts of forgiveness is making amends to yourself by living a sober life and being the person you want to be, someone you are proud to see in the mirror.
This doesn’t happen over night and may take years or even a lifetime to accomplish, but practicing acceptance and peace will get you well on your way.
I don’t know how you will get there for yourself but if you can keep treating yourself with compassion you’ll get closer. I’m 500+ days in now and can look myself in the eyes again.
Your post was beautifully written. Thank you.
I feel you so much.
You are not alone!
The day I quit drinking was the day, I started to heal emotionally. It didn’t happen over night, but the more I worked on my emotional well being the more I could also start to forgive myself. Today I accept, that all of the past hurts and mistakes have brought me to where I am at today. I get to do better. Today. I am learning to be self compassionate, to set boundaries, to listen to other people and most of all, to assume the best in people. That way you get to change forward, what you can’t change in the past. That’s what forgiveness is to me. (I hope that makes sense, English is not my first language).
Just keep going, you are doing really great already. 
You are here and writing about this which is so important.
We all make mistakes. We all have things that we feel bad about and wish we could change or have done differently. Where you can, make apologies if you’re able to.
Where you can’t, accept it as what happened and go forward.
We all have done things we wish we hadn’t.
Going forward is the best way. I like your statements about what you want for yourself and your life. That you want to make a difference. Keep focused on the going forward ODAAT. Congratulations on the 50 days.
I think sobriety is a great foundation for self forgiveness or at least self acceptance. Drunkeness for me was always a great foundation for self loathing.
The past is gone and the future is unpromised we only have the here and now.
I try to stay in a living amends mindset I will always be the guy that did the things I did. I just try day by day to live my life in a way that shows to others that people can change for the better. That helps me accept the reality of my life.
When i got a sponsor and he guided me through the 12 steps program i became a new person and stopped punishing my self for my past , today im a sponsor and i guide guys through the steps and my experience it changes their mindset and gives them freedom to live a sober life
There is so much life outside of alcohol. Most people either don’t drink or can easily take it or leave it. If it’s eating up your mental space, isn’t that a sign? Trust me I’ve dealt with the same thing. Drinking is dangerous for me. I get frustrated that I can’t do something other people do even if it’s not that important. Just kind of how I’m wired. But alas.
I’m probably too flippant with advice for someone who’s relapsed so many times, but I enjoy helping people and sharing the wisdom I’ve gained by doing field research so that other people don’t have to… I found some meaning in it.
But you know, spending time with others, going outside and being in nature, taking an improv class, seeing Mt. Fuji, eating some tasty food. There’s so much to live for when booze isn’t involved.
Alcohol is a hell of a drug and it’s caused me to put myself in ridiculous situations and injure myself. And I went back to it. That’s the definition of either insanity or an addictive drug that is constantly in our face. We have to forgive ourselves for giving in but still take responsibility for how we are.