sort of negative reaction trigger warning I suppose
I took the advice I got here, and I gave an ITAA meeting a shot. I’ll try again tomorrow, I’ll come to 6 meetings before i decide anything. but I just felt this intense negative reaction.
I could not prevent myself from looking down on everyone there. I felt like I had trouble not internally disregarding or disbelieving or questioning everything people said. I just felt all of my intense impostor syndrome come back and it felt overwhelming. I wanted to stay afterwards but I just couldn’t stand it. It felt false. It felt stupid and comically attention seeking. I felt this anger I don’t recognize at the people who were sharing.
I want to get better, I realize everyone else is there to get better too, so I’m looking to see if anyone relates to this reaction and has any idea why I could be feeling this way, and what I can do about it. I don’t fully understand why I’m feeling this, and obviously I can recognize this as an internal challenge i.e. I would NEVER vocalize this feeling to another attendant.
Maybe it’s because I’ve done so much hiding and lying in my life that the willing and even enthusiastic desire to share is just completely alien to me and feels disingenuous.
Look for the similarities between you and them. Believe that they have something you want, and the way to get it is to listen intently with open ears and an open mind.
Yes your first meeting can be intimidating. I think you are on to something when you say that it may just be an alien idea to be able to willingly and eagerly share your feelings in the open. I have been to AA several times over the years but just never stuck with it. Ironically I have now found a really great group and I CRAVE being there. Just got back home from my nightly 530 meeting. I go straight from work no matter how tired or dirty I am. I think alot of us alcoholics are so used to isolating that we dont no how to react to being in a room full of other people sharing something as serious as what we are going through. Im glad you are keeping an open mind. What’s so special to me about the program is that everyone there “gets” it like other people can’t. Im on day 16 now and being around my fellowship has definitely been a lifesaver. I was also suprised as well at the amount of “raw” honesty" but Im in love with it now. Sending lots of Hope your way !
I found for me, I didn’t like it and didn’t want to be there at first. It was too open, too religious feeling, people wanted to help and I wanted them at a distance…I had too many walls built up to let anyone help me. I really thought I could do it on my own. So I stopped going after 4 meetings.
2 years later, I was still sober but repeating soooo many of my same mistakes. I’d had enough of doing it my own way-it clearly wasn’t working. When I arrived at that time I was finally willing to try it their way and it was an ENTIRELY different atmosphere… the only thing that had changed was me. I really went back all in. I got a sponsor, did what was asked of me and did the steps. It has helped me SOOOOOO much. It’s changed my entire life in such a good way personally. I wished I had done it in the beginning because it really changed everything for me. For me, I’ve learned in my recovery to trust people again. How to listen. How to take suggestions. How to clear out my clutter to actually let people in again. I’ve never really had that. But I’m grateful I do now.
I’m proud of you for trying and going! It’s a great step forward in your recovery, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. That’s how we can let things arise up in us to allow us to heal.
All is required is a desire to stop using/drinking. I think that I felt beaten down so much/tried so many ways before to stop & couldn’t that it seemed like the only way to get free. Glad I listened and kept going back. Differences don’t matter, we all got the same disease.
I can relate to the feeling when i first started going for me it was because i wasnt ready to be there so i went back out for many more years till i realized the people in the meetings are the ones who really have helped me to get and stay sober. Glad to see you here.
I didn’t believe much if any of what I heard when I first attended AA. I kept going back and noticed there were others who kept going back. I found some people that, after time, I realized they meant what they were saying. That was a big moment.
I know now I was still very sick and unable to trust myself or anyone. I wasn’t actually listening to anything other than the judgemental (towards them and me) voice in my head.
Keep trying, stay sober and it gets better.
You have that feeling of looking down on them. I get that. Ask yourself why? Journal about it.
It’s a normal feeling. Try walking in today and remembering they don’t don’t look down on you. They want to help you carry this burden of alcoholism because they know you can’t do it alone. You don’t have to like this post, but that’s the point. AA works if you work it, regardless of your feelings. And in early sobriety it is tough to come to the realization that our feelings as alcoholics are often sadly mistaken, even though they exists, and you can exists opposed to those feelings and do the next right thing. Wish you all the best.
Just keep going back remember take what you need and leave the rest , we are very critical in early sobriety , your hear from people here who have tried AA not long sober so from someone who got sober with AA over 35 years ago take my advice keep going and you will find a meeting that will suit you and hopefully become your home group
I’ve been attending AA meetings for years. Yes, there are people who still focus on their drunkalog story. But, I listen for the folks that relate how they stay sober and how their lives have changed for the better. Those members are the winners. So, I would suggest that you stick with them. And maybe you could attend a few different meetings to get a better feel for the program. Yes, I hope you keep going. As we say, take what you like and leave the rest.
