I have been battling an addition to pornography and masturbation for what seems like my whole life, with exposure beginning in childhood – both through early access to explicit material(videos ect) and being preyed upon by a pedophile. This, followed by exploitation by older men, has meant that I have never experienced a healthy relationship with someone my own age. I eventually stopped engaging in sex altogether. I have been sexually abstinent for almost a decade.
My struggle with this addiction has persisted throughout various stages of my life, peaking at times before resurfacing even stronger than before. Although I once managed to abstain for a while, I found myself relapsing and ultimately falling into deeper patterns of addiction. Now, I am determined to break free from these destructive habits for good. Doing so will inevitably involve confronting past traumas and seeking closure. While I may not recognize who I am without these experiences, I long to start anew.
The person I have become because of my addiction fills me with shame and regret, as does my history of weakness when faced with temptation. Lacking supportive relationships with friends and family members, I often find myself isolated—a state which only exacerbates my addiction. In my current state of solitude, depression, and misery, I nevertheless resolve to maintain sobriety from my addiction. Though not a substance abuse issue, its grip on me is every bit as powerful as any drug.
My life sometimes feels hollow, leaving me to seek comfort in fantastical scenarios involving male actors from pornography desiring me as they would the female performers. Deeply craving genuine connections, I instead find myself trapped within the confines of this damaging habit. However, I acknowledge that giving in to these urges cannot serve as an acceptable substitute for authentic human interaction. By sharing my story honestly and openly, I hope to garner the assistance necessary to overcome my challenges. Your support would mean everything to me.
