First Few Hours

I have been battling an addition to pornography and masturbation for what seems like my whole life, with exposure beginning in childhood – both through early access to explicit material(videos ect) and being preyed upon by a pedophile. This, followed by exploitation by older men, has meant that I have never experienced a healthy relationship with someone my own age. I eventually stopped engaging in sex altogether. I have been sexually abstinent for almost a decade.

My struggle with this addiction has persisted throughout various stages of my life, peaking at times before resurfacing even stronger than before. Although I once managed to abstain for a while, I found myself relapsing and ultimately falling into deeper patterns of addiction. Now, I am determined to break free from these destructive habits for good. Doing so will inevitably involve confronting past traumas and seeking closure. While I may not recognize who I am without these experiences, I long to start anew.

The person I have become because of my addiction fills me with shame and regret, as does my history of weakness when faced with temptation. Lacking supportive relationships with friends and family members, I often find myself isolated—a state which only exacerbates my addiction. In my current state of solitude, depression, and misery, I nevertheless resolve to maintain sobriety from my addiction. Though not a substance abuse issue, its grip on me is every bit as powerful as any drug.

My life sometimes feels hollow, leaving me to seek comfort in fantastical scenarios involving male actors from pornography desiring me as they would the female performers. Deeply craving genuine connections, I instead find myself trapped within the confines of this damaging habit. However, I acknowledge that giving in to these urges cannot serve as an acceptable substitute for authentic human interaction. By sharing my story honestly and openly, I hope to garner the assistance necessary to overcome my challenges. Your support would mean everything to me.


Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry you have experienced some of the things you have. I hope you’re able to work through past trauma to help you move toward your goal of having genuine human connection. If you ever need someone to listen to you or talk with please don’t hesitate to reach out. :people_hugging:

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Thank you for your compassionate response. I appreciate your understanding and sensitivity regarding my situation. Is private messaging a feature of the forum? Writing about my hidden shame was a challenging task, yet I recognized its necessity. Despite feeling both embarrassed and relieved now, I believe sharing my story will ultimately lead to a positive outcome. :heart:

Many individuals fail to grasp the profound and enduring effects that sexual abuse and exploitation inflict upon survivors throughout their lives. If given the chance to rewind time, I would seize the opportunity to make different choices. Living with self-inflicted shame and loathing for the person I became has been an arduous journey. My heart yearns for protection and salvation from those tumultuous experiences. :weary:

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Having spoken with several survivors of sexual abuse and exploitation, I sometimes still have a difficult time understanding because that’s just how bad it can be.

I sent you a message, if that would be easier for you to communicate.