I am powerless, I’ve accepted, over my relationship with drugs/alcohol. I am a senior in college, a semester away from my internship where drug tests are mandatory. I have been a daily user since I was in the 10th grade, so around 5-6 years, with a few sobriety spells. Most often, I would quit one thing just to move on to another. It has not affected my grades, which has been my weak rationale behind not cleaning up I suppose. Albeit, being prescribed a stimulant for ADD allows me to contradict the mental laziness I have without it. A 3.3 GPA with a positive drug test = nothing. However, everything else in my life has been degrading as a consequence. Mostly social interactions and my desire to avoid them at all costs cause me the most pain. I literally have no friends other than pot dealers who I’d consider acquaintances to be more accurate. There are underlying issues mostly centered around my lack of confidence for which I self-medicate with substances = destructive cycle. I want to be CLEAN FOR GOOD. I have a 2 year old son who lives with my mother until I graduate and move back home. He should and WILL be my top priority once I’m fully sober. It eats me alive that I’d choose buying a bag of pot over getting him a new book or taking him to the zoo. I love him more than I could ever imagine, why would I want to jeopardize his relationship with me; my own father used/drank until he passed a year ago. So much is at stake, which causes me more anxiety than before. The guilt is becoming unbearable and I cannot fall off the wagon and drink/smoke again. One would think it would be an easy decision: continue smoking, working as a cook making $11/hr or enter the healthcare field with limitless opportunity. It has been a lifestyle of loneliness and obsession. My addictive personality doesn’t discriminate: it is to get high/drunk or continue seeking. Please, I need advice as I want my life to change for good. I cannot let my family down.
Hey, welcome Dorian,
You’ve done a great job coming here and admitting that you want to change. I say this, not only as day celebrating 43 days of sobriety…but also as a teacher. Good on you for recognizing what being sober will do for you as you tread out into adulthood. I understand your anxiety, both in terms of work performance and social interactions. I can say honestly and whole heartedly, that BOTH of these have been helped by my sobriety. Could you try finding a meeting near you? Either AA or something similar? There’s a lot you’re figuring out in your life as it is, it sounds like it would be nice to have a support system of people who have been through it to help guide you in uncharted waters. There’s support here for you too🙂…but it sounds like having help in person, and a sponsor you can call when you’re struggling or have questions would be great for you.
A great book that’s been mentioned around here is “this naked mind: control alcohol” people seem to really enjoy that” too if you want to Jump in to a book.
Either way, the most important thing is that you’ve admitted that the feelings and reality that you’re living with are unbearable…and I get that. We all do.
We’re here to support and answer questions. You got this, you’re on the right path.
I appreciate your encouragement. This app and sober community has a level of accountability which I need. Thank you again, as I can honestly say, without this resource I wouldn’t be 2 days sober. I will always keep in the forefront of my mind that I will always have my addictive personality.
You are not powerless. You are not an addict, you are someone who suffers from addiction. Someone who has cancer wouldn’t say “I’m a cancer.”.
Do not identify with your illness. If you think you are just an addict then you believe you are helpless. If you believe you are a human being suffering from an illness then you know you can fight it and change.
You can change. If you don’t give up you will succeed. Success only comes from many failures and never giving up.