Hello all,
You can call me C! I only recently(read “2 weeks ago”) began to really take this whole getting sober from porn idea seriously.
I didnt like how it made me feel after, it began to have issues in my marriage, and i started to go down a dark path, looking for some more and more depraved things.
Luckily, i caught myself, and came clean to my wife and those around me. I officially started to log this journey almost two weeks ago, and tonight, unfortunately, i repalpsed.
In relapsing, i noticed a few things. Some triggers. My brain rationalizing things until it became too much.
“Its not a relapse if its reading, i cant control if the book has sex scenes”
“Its not relapse if im just thoroughly cleaning myself”
Etc.
Anyway, I’m gonna use this thread as a journal. Document my journey, keep myself accountable, and maybe help some other 20 somethings along the way.
Feel free to ask questions, my therapist says i really should talk more about it openly.
That slippery slope. It is everywhere. But the good news is, it is entirely within our control. We make choices, and we can make choices - with support and accountability - that keep us safe from that slippery slope.
I’m a porn / masturbation / sex / lust addict myself, and I’ve been coming to terms with that since 2019. I’ve been aware I had a problem since at least 2001. It has been a long time.
There are lots of good threads and helpful folks in recovery from porn, lust, sex and other similar addictions here. If you search “PMO”, “porn”, “sex addiction”, “masturbation”, and similar search terms - use the Talking Sober search bar at the top - you will find lots of posts on the topic.
Hey man your thoughts on rationalizing this addiction sounds as though you took them from my brain lol but seriously I get it man it’s toxic and frustrating at times but it really is only words in our heads that carry emotions (sometimes really strong ones) and to have those emotions are ok let them exist I say but remember that your emotions don’t determine your actions at all you always have control over your actions and that is something I am just learning after dealing with this for years.
You are doing great being on here and keep on your path you will succeed
I feel you there, using justifications as a means to not feel guilty about acting out by sexting, masturbating, or watching porn was a main character defect of mine. It’d help diminish my thoughts of feeling bad before going through with it. Then sometimes midway through acting out and especially after, those negative thoughts of self-guilt, shame and anger would flood in.
I’m glad youre being open and vulnerable to talk to those in your life and this community about it.
Pmo played a major role in destroying my marriage so I know the affects that it can have. The other justification i had was thinking that it wasnt hurting anyone directly and barely indirectly bc it was virtual, ya know… until that wasnt enough and I sought out in-person interactions.
Kudos to you for stepping up and wanting to do the work towards your recovery.
Checking in, unfortunately relapsed again. Learned new triggers though. Going to do better next time. Its a marathon, so i keep reading. Unfortunate, but I’ll reset my clock and try again.
Maybe that is stupid question, but: I was in relationships, but I never lived with GF, and I’m not married.
How relapse happen by guys who have wives? It’s when they are at work/shop etc. or not “available” for husbands in other way? (quarrel, marriage problems etc.)
When I relapsed in the past those would be times relapse would be more common for me. But I even chose to relapse at times when we were both home.
The twisted and isolating part of the addiction is that it gets to a point - at least, it got to this point for me - where it was only about me and my fantasies. In that way, actually, this addiction is like most other addictions: as the addiction develops, the addict gradually isolates from other people, and more and more, the addict lives in a fantasy world, alone, where the addict has no boundaries.
Could be nights when shes tired and passes out, sometimes it’s even after intimacy, my brain craving the quick rush of dopamine. Sometimes in the middle of the day, if I’m home alone and she’s out. There’s quite a few times when i become tempted. Almost always at night, however, and traditionally during my nightly showers.
I’ve heard many guys who developed addiction think that it will end when they will be in relationship, or definitely when they will live together with spouse, and the plan fail…
Your examples are logical, after all, there are many situations in life when a healthy couple can’t make love. And addiction is unfortunately always available.
After work when I knew I had an hour before everyone came home and at nights once everyone was asleep were my prime times to act out in lust. I would sometimes blame it on my wife not wanting to be intimate, but as you said, sometimes I’d have the feeling after being intimate, so it definitely wasnt on her.
I had a fomer coworker, who was a recovered alcoholic, tell me that he knew he was addicted when he found any and every reason to drink… bad day at work… drink… great day at work… drink and so on. No matter what the circumstances were around me I had already made up my mind what it was I was going to do with any freetime that I had.
I’m glad that through this process you were able to recognize new triggers. That will prove to be worthy information as time goes on. Now, what are things that you can do to combat those triggers to remain sober?
I had that same mindset once upon a time and was devastated when the urges to act out didnt just stop because I wanted them to. That led to more pmo which turned into self resentment, anger, isolation and self pity.
I always find it kinda amazing how I am so quick to forget about how the acting out made me feel. Because like a bunch of you are saying it’s a flood of shame pity guilt etc… but it’s always temporary because the addiction comes back and it’s like I forgot how bad it was. But you know the same could be said about temptation.
You feel this strong temptation and then when you don’t give in after awhile depending on how often you don’t give in, the temptation goes away. And I am left thinking what just happened.
My point is that do what works for you to get through those moments of temptation because that once you do, you start to build healthy habits. And getting though those moments does get easier. But remember the opposite is also true and it happens to be easier to do.
Do the difficult thing and say NO to temptation and build healthy habits and tell us of your success.
