I had been sober for 18 days. The longest I have been sober in over 7 years. I was feeling very hopeful. Physically I hadn’t felt that great in so long. On Sunday night I slipped. My boss and good friend of 7 years passed away. It was one of the hardest things I have dealt with, especially not knowing if it was intentional. I drank to numb myself. I feel really guilty about it. There is a part of me that just wants to give up. I feel like a failure. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I hit the reset button. I guess that is a good first step.
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I’m so very sorry for your loss. But you do know that drinking didn’t make the pain any better, it just put it off until later. I hope you have some IRL support to help you now.
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Every moment is a new start!
Keep looking forward! You can do this!
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I’m sorry for your loss. Numbing the pain wont help though. But I’m pretty sure you already know that. You need to stay clear headed and you will feel better. It takes time. Dont beat yourself up. We have ALL reset our clocks. Keep coming back!!
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Resist these thoughts of failure and defeat. Every fighter loses a fight. Every athlete loses a game or a match. Every poker player loses a hand. Few quit for good the first time they try. It took me several tries before I’d had enough. My last relapse happened when I used my Mother’s death as my excuse to drink after 30 days sober. Took me 11 months of short quits, attempts to moderate, and heavy drinking in between, before my current quit stuck.
So reset, recommit, put it behind you where it belongs, look and step forward. The future is in front of you, not behind you.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. You are not a failure, you are hurting. Hitting that reset button takes a ton of courage! Drinking won’t let you heal, I know it hurts a ton, but the answer never lies in that bottle. Get back up and do something differently to honor your friend in a way that would make them proud. Hugs! 
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Giving up would make you feel like more of a failure. The past is over. You can’t change it. What you can change is the course you’re on right now. I’ve been trying to visualize my life as a fast moving train. For the past 7 years I’ve been building a lot of momentum in one direction: downhill! It takes a lot of fucking work to stop that momentum. And it’s going to take a hell of a lot of work to build momentum in the opposite direction. All of that momentum in one direction has created a default response to pain and discomfort: numb it! At this point you have two options. 1. Let this experience help you learn so that you can continue to change course. 2. Let this experience derail any momentum you’ve built and send you right back downhill. Option 2 is easier. But it takes a live fish to swim upstream.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. The important thing is that you chose to come back on here to post and continue on your sober journey. You can continue on your sober journey heal and seek the tools you need to maintain a sober lifestyle.
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Thank you.
Change doesnt happen overnight. Its not like You just wake up one day and never drink again without a little struggle.
You had a traumatic experience to deal with, and you are only human. Learn from it, but don’t feel bad about it. Hang in there.
I was at day 20, and lapsed on Sunday also. I ended this bender head in the trash can puking, after finishing that one too many drink. But her is to Day One, again.