I’m here because I don’t want to feel alone. I’m just beginning to learn and process that food addiction is real and serious. Thank you for being part of a community of support and growth.
I’m 25 and I’ve struggled all my life with weight and anxiety. But over the past couple years, those conditions have reached intensities that scare me.
I was heaviest at 255lbs at 20yrs old, having been large all my life to that point. Then something changed, I lost some weight having worked as a cook at a resort (structured meals, long hours). Following that job, I rode that wave, and committed to my health. I educated myself and discovered the healthful power of whole plant foods and veganism. I exercised and ate remarkably well and over 2 years lost 100lbs, settling at around 140lbs. I felt great, I did yoga, I meditated, I quit my job as a cook and went to school for Ecosystem Management, met incredibly inspiring people and learned so much about our world and our place in it. I really don’t understand why I always felt so miserable.
I think it stemmed from social anxiety but more so perhaps a lack of an understanding of my ego. Especially having a this new experience of being small; it gave me confidence, I was more sociable and people liked and listened to me for what felt like was the first time. My ego became so fragile, I couldn’t enjoy anything. I was jovial around people but perpetually on edge just under the skin.
In 2018, I started having moments of excessive indulgence that really confused me. Eating until I hurt, ‘why am I doing this to myself?’ I would heal from these but they began happening more frequently. I would binge on healthy food, which confused me even more. I was eating healthy, I’d been away from processed food for so long their addictive properties shouldn’t have hold on me. Bananas, peanut butter, brown rice; a cook at heart, it didn’t take me long to figure out microwaved black bean chocolate cake. I ate until I the food in my stomach couldn’t digest and I could taste it rotting. ‘Why was I doing this to myself?!’
Through this progressing nightmare, I maintained a heavy workout regiment which managed to keep me at 140lbs. But as it got worse I moved to purging as well. I never thought that would be me. Despite all this good in my life I was locked in dizzy chaos, alone, afraid, guilty, shameful and so angry at myself.
I could never get ahead of it and eventually my weight started to creep up which killed me. Everything I had worked so hard to create for myself was crashing down around me simply because I wouldn’t stop eating. I wasn’t binging on healthy food anymore. Sugars and fats, processed pastries and chocolate wherever I could get them… I stole from my roommates. THAT IS NOT ME.
Then quarantine. I went home. And suddenly I didn’t need to go outside everyday. This summer has been complicated in more ways than food, but the gist of it is where I’m at now.
I’m binging for multiple days at a time. I don’t leave the house anymore, I’m to ashamed of how I look. I’m 200lbs and I hurt all over. I’m not exercising. I’m saturating myself in media and food, hiding in this ugly numbness. Sometimes I write and it helps me figure things out, but the more unhealthy I get the harder it is to think. I try to talk to people about it but nobody seems to understand. How could they? Stopping eating is easy for them. They don’t eat until their dizzy and can’t move. I hope they never do.
I don’t wish this on anyone, but knowing there’s other people who understand, who are working through this just like me and who have found ways to live with this, gives me actual hope. I want to get through this with you. I want us to come out of this better.
I binged today and yesterday, and most days these past couple months. I’m scared to make a promise here because I don’t want my word to mean nothing. but I do know I don’t want to binge anymore today or tomorrow or the day after, or for the next 300 years or so. But I think I’ll just focus on that today and tomorrow for now.
I’m hoping that saying this to a group of people that understands will mean more, then all the broken promises I’ve made to myself.
Considering the context of this website, I know people are here because they want to be better, that’s a community I’d like to interact with.
So hi, it’s good to meet you.
We are indeed a community that knows struggle and broken promises, no shame there. We can and do heal however, one day, one second, one minute at a time.