Yeah kind of
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Iām still unsure about what I think about addiction being a disease. I feel like itās my fault my choices. Iām just an idiot.
But the emotions thing I think you could be on to something.
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Iāve heard it said so many times, ālove yourself enough to stay soberā.
Is this some crucial element to making a success of this? Iāve been wanting to do it because I know its the right thing to do. And sometimes I guess it isnt a good enough reason and I fall. But if loving myself is the missing piece I feel defeated already. I dont know how to do that. I never have. I cant even handle someone complimenting me, or me even naming positive attributes of myself. Iāve done it before, but I just ramble a bunch of generic nice things so people will stop asking me to do it. I dont actually think or feel those things. But if I have to what am I gna do??? I dont wanna use and relapse anyway. Like Iām screwed. So screwed if that is what it takes. I have no idea how to do that or even why Iād want to, outside of it helps me do the right thingā¦but is that really sincere? Probably not.
Love yourselfā¦thatās about as simple in my mind as how Iād view the difficulty of doing brain surgery. Likeā¦Iām never gna be a doctorā¦does that mean Iām never gna be sober for real? Am I trapped like this forever?? Just forever trying and never actually succeeding??
I said to someone yesterday, did you fall because youāre useless or humanā¦because they felt uselessā¦
Maybe that wasnt the right thing to say because I feel pretty useless right nowā¦
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Your story matters Stacey. It is a hard hard story and itās full of messed up experience and running and confusion and loss and grief and pain. It is not a postcard story. (And thatās a big thing that makes it so hard. Thereās kind of a standard ideal route people want lives and stories to take. When we donāt fit in weā¦ donāt know where we fit in or what we should do. Weāre like the butterfly that got trapped halfway out of the cocoon. Why am I not flying? Whatās happening here?)
But your story matters. A lot. It matters the same way all struggles matter: when humans struggle to be just and fair and healthy in the world, that always matters. Equality for women matters. Elimination of racism matters. Equal access to health care matters. Mental health matters. Social support for people who struggle, matters.
Recovering from addiction matters. It has shaped us into something we donāt want to be, and (at least in some way) it is impairing our ability to make healthy decisions. Your story of recovery matters.
And you are writing that story now. You are the hero of your story. You are Little Red Riding Hood (or Frodo, or any one of a thousand awesome heroes) who has an enemy that is trying to trick her and consume her.
You are the hero of your story. And I promise you, if you stick with it, you will win. Your story is a story of persistence and victory. Like every other great hero, you have friends and mentors and guides and supports. You have ups and downs. But eventually, you will win.
Weāre here with you. Donāt give up. You will beat this. 
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I dont even know what to say to that.
Thank you? I guess is a start. So thanks.
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Thank you for joining us on the journey. Weāre stronger because your story is here with us. Thanks for writing your story together with us here! 
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You gotta find your one way of thinking that works for you, I respect that. Tbh, myself, I feel like addiction is a combination of factors. Genetics, environment, positive reinforcement, mental illness, etc. And no one person with any one of these or even all of these is definitely going to become an addict.
Like as far as I can tell, I used alcohol and drugs to medicate PTSD from my childhood and later on, general anxiety and depression and also because of: culture, positive reinforcement, physical addiction, and yeah like you said there was definitely my choices thrown in there and me being an idiot. So if Iām using substances to medicate conditions, then being an alcoholic wasnāt the disease, it was my attempt to medicate other preexisting conditions, you know? Whether that means addiction itself is a disease, who knows. But I think itās good to look at the wider picture. Yeah, youāve made bad choices. But why? I donāt know you, but you certainly donāt seem like an idiot to me, and you seem strong, so thereās gotta be something else at play here. Itās like that with every addict Iāve met.
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I love this. Cheers for the share.
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Dude this means so much. Iām sitting here in tears because of how how trapped I feel. Iāve already been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and BPD. I been in therapy for over 2 years . Iāve done some great things and let some hard things go. And I practice the skills from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy everyday and I have done since I did it over a year ago, but Iām still trapped, only, now I have to work hard everyday with those skills just to not make other people uncomfortable with my behaviours, essentially I can just keep them at bay and not make things worse, and Iām white knuckling my mental health because the skills havent become automated like they promised and Iāve done them over a year now so they should be, I guess keeping things from getting worse is still better than letting them get that way; but what kind of life is being trapped in defeat and chaos and just able to not make it worse? Now they want to investigate Bipolar as well because they think my mastery of the skills has created a clear platform and now bipolar and ADHD behaviours are manifesting and I just feel like I cant escape myself. Iām an addict too because even when things are going okay I want to use. Iāve done my DOC + a ton of other for like over 12 years almost 13. And no matter how hard I try Iām defeated. I cave everytime. Iām so screwed up, like right now Iām , and my anxiety is kicking off because its ruining my make up, which is supposed to be a self care option so I thought Iād just try to look nice today. AND now Iām gna look worse for putting it on and people are gna give me more attention than I can handle cause they feel sorry for me worry about me being upset (itās pretty obvious) and it makes them uncomfortable. But Iām literally like tryna muster up the whatever-it-is to go to work because my boss seriously needs me. And there are animals lives at stake so I cant just do what people say and say I cant come. They say " Just tell her whatās happening and that you canāt come. Its okay to take care of you, "But there are actual bad consequences for other people, which will make my anxiety worse, even if I dont have to go. So Iām trapped in my mind trapped in my circumstance and skill after skill only keeps me from going crazy and doing something nuts and just disregarding the impact on anyone else. So I have to go, itās the least impactful for me and for the everyone involved. Skill: opposite actionā¦I dont want to go, but Iām going to go anyway because I have weighed it and its the right thing to do with the least negative impact. So Iāve decided that. But Iām still left with like a tough situation. I feel so much internal agitation I wanna punch and break something into smithereens.
So what to do do?
Iāve created some time between now and when I need to start work. Yes it mean I work to like 9 or 10pm but thatās okay because it will be close to bedtime so I can do a bedtime routine and then go to sleep and not have to wallow in my mistakes of my day.
Right now, I am browsing pages on here or facebook. Experimenting with vape juices, listening to a friend play some electric guitarā¦it calms me. Sip on some electrolytes. Give myself hugs (this is weird to me but apparently physiologically hugging yourself changes body chemistry so Iāll do it even though I thinks is weird as heck) I will assess myself in half an hour after all that, whether or not I feel physically able to go. If I am feeling okay, I will assess again at half hour after that just to make sure Iām mostly capable. If I am good to go. My friend will drive me to work to make sure Iām okay getting there. Then I will do the animals first to make sure they are all okay and then the tasks for the salon I maintain, to the best of my ability.
Then my friend will pick me up once I am finished, get me home and hang out til bedtime. Then do my routine and probably have a good sleep.
I know for a fact I will wake up and the first thought on my mind will be Iām trapped in here I want to die. But my wise mind says I dont want to die I just dont want to be trapped. So I will use my skills again like the 547 days before today to avoid making things worse hopefully and wait until thursday for my psychiatrist appt to figure out the ADHD and Bipolar and hopefully get some more skills to get things under control.
I relapsed yesterday, but Iām gna try get through today not touching anything. Its gna be tough but I wanna keep trying. I FEEL defeated and hopeless but I know KNOW im not defeated and hopeless so Im gna choose to act on what I know and just try again. Get through work. Get through dinner and sleep. And tomorrow have a plan for how to get through. Maybe plan it tonight.
Iām sorry Iāve relapsed and let you down my family. But I want to try again. Please dont give up on meā¦
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Swamā¦ Dear swam. Never say sorry for life being heavy. The great thing about not using isā¦ You can do that everyday 
take care.
You can always message when in a dark place we are all here to listen.
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Youāre a big part of this family and you are loved and NOT a disappointment!
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The acid that decays my existence burns like hot, black tar and I want for nothing more than to cease.
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Iām concerned for you Stacey. Whatās been going on?
I dont know Kev. I dont know. Iām just downā¦been a few weeks now and I am so over it.
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Iām dying. Everyone is. But while I age and hey closer to death, my soul is decaying. My spirit is weakening and I donāt want to participate in this life anymore. It sounds drastic. Iām not gna kill myself so dont panic. But to sit and come up with a million ways to die, knowing I canāt act and am trapped in this shell for who knows how longā¦that I donāt know what to do with. I want a life. A real one, with beauty and magic and peace. Instead I have decay. A heart like a rusty cog winding round and round slowly becoming nothing, as the rust chips away at its form until there is nothing left.
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It is good to hear from you, Stacey. Iām glad you checked in.
Paging @anon79808082, @ThajokerNL, and @crystalclear since they may not be aware yet that you reappeared.
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Hey Stacy; Iām sorry youāre feeling like that today; I can relate alot actuallyā¦ Whatās your plans for today? Iām not sure what part of the country youāre in. I also get so sad around this time of year, every year. I have bad childhood memories of āholidayā and also my younger brother went missing in October of 1981 so I put my head down and try to push through.
Iām so glad you came on here, keep us all updated! I said it before, youāre important to us and part of this crazy online family!
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Hi Swam,
Magic is in moments, encounters and surprises rather then in life itself is what I concluded.
Beauty is in selflove and selfacceptance since we are beautiful beings and to get there and to achieve the peace your longing i needed a sober mind dear. And i know that now.
Are you sticking to NA? Or are you perhaps in search of a clinical treatment.
I have talked to you on days the sun wasnāt shining this dark on your being.
I believe those days were days of clean time.
Please please, I urge you to accept the surrender to a program to ultimately get where you want to be. Your right mind is asking to be helped but your poisoned mind will not stop convincing you drugs are a solution.
Take care dear Swam. I see you for the beautiful being you are to. And if I (an internet username) can feel that hell yeah you can too!
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Hi Stacey, is there an inpatient or detox program you can attend somewhere?
Take a look & see; there are filters for distance and for cost (play around with them and you will find something).
Got you a little motivation here
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I have thoughtsā¦lots of thoughtsā¦but I realise I dont have to act on my thoughts. When my addict brain says āuseā itās okay. My brain will think these things but what I do is what matters. Action. That includes suicide and all sorts. I dont have to āDOā based on feelings and thoughts. I can do the right thingā¦just for today
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