Uhm soā¦I love my daily check in. Like I can share so much and get so much support in my recovery. I will still be checking in there.
I thought I would start this thread as well though because sometimes I just wanna share whatās on my mind because I cant always make sense of it.
So feel free to post as well. I guess there is no specific category, but sometimes just venting or talking can help I think. So I figured why not.
For today, I am having alot of thoughtsā¦I guess conversations with myselfā¦about sobriety vs using. I guess this is my life now. Iām not super happy about it; the constant āthis is actually amazingā and āI hate thisā. I guess the thoughts I have are which of those is really me? Probably both and maybe niether. I mean identity in addiction, is the addiction itself for me. So without it, I feel a bit lost. Addiction has its problems obviously. I believe it isnt the solution. But I think part of the draw is the degree of effort it takes to figure out who I am without it. And the fact I already feel like I dont like what I am as it is, doesnt make for good motivation to find out. Not even the drug related parts. The parts I think are me. How do you force yourself to be be brave enough to discover what you believe you are going to hate? I mean it all sounds super pessimistic, I dont mean for it to come out like thatā¦I mean I dont even have any particular emotion towards that fact other than fear. Iām not sitting in tears going āI hate myselfā like it saddens me. Itās like, in my brain it is factual. The same way I would say I hate spiders and Iām scared about them biting me. I know there is something not quite right with my thinking. Probably to do with my mental health conditions, I mean the behaviours I exhibit, are they who I am? I dont know. I live the reality of it so maybe? At the end of the day I dont know who I am. I have my faith so I am a Christian. There is identity in that. But outside of my faithā¦the parts that make me uniqueā¦or specialā¦what are they? I cry easilyā¦is it because Iām a sensitive soul or because I have an emotional disorder? Where is the line and how do I find it? How do I observe it so I can decide which side of it I want to be on. Is who I am decided by me or my circumstance and upbringing? Me deciding is a bad idea because my perfectionism causes me to have expectations for myself I cant meetā¦ If itās the latter, is that really identity or just conditioning? There are so many complex layers to it and I dont even know where to startā¦I like animalsā¦(is it because theyāre vulnerable and I have a weakness to vulnerable things because of my past?) I like pumpkinā¦alotā¦but I dont think there is much identity to be found in pumpkins.
Anyway thatās my little thought rant. I could go on for hours but I wont do that to you haha
Thanks for reading and allowing me to share my thoughts.
I am right there with you. Iāve spent so many years running, numbing, escaping, that trying to be sober now I am sort of pausing in my day and thinking - Ok, so, what am I? Like what are my hobbies? Who do I hang out with? Who are my friends? What do I do? These are questions I did not expect would be filling me up as per of my recovery. But here I am!
I think part of it is probably finding things to enjoy in my life, like good chocolate or my home made date squares, and sharing those with people. I like that. I visit people sometimes too. I like that too. Iāve started taking baths at the end of the day. I find that relaxing. I like that. I try to keep it simple. I used to have a lot of grand thoughts of the big things I was going to be or do. I try to stay grounded now, just focus on the next little bit. It feels moreā¦ organic now, more one step one step one step. I used to be like, āThis is what I want, this is what Iām going to be, the best ___, the one who ___ā but I am starting to think those were fantasies, escapes. I struggled to get anything done, to keep it together. Iām trying to just carry my daily tasks through to the end now. I am working on that. That is actually more of a challenge than I realized. But I am enjoying learning how to manage my expectations of my life and my days. I am finding itās keeping me real. Iām growing.
This is a really good share from you. I am happy to hear another person is asking these same questions. What have you learned from this process yourself?
Uhmā¦I remember being sober for a few months and I cant remember what I was likeā¦I relapsed since then for a while and now Iām back on day 7. I dont remember having the thoughts then about what or who am I now, maybe vaguely. But i think with relapse itās like i forget why I tried to quit to begin with.
In the last 7 daysā¦uhm I am not quite confident at this point as to what I know for sure. I dont think Iām at the enjoying the journey part yet. Not to mention Iām usually a destination person not a journey person so itās weird like having to take things one step at the time.
I like pumpkin too. Pumpkin pie especially. It is the best!
One day at a time sometimes. Try to stay safe. Addiction, as we know, is a disease of escape. Something weāre trying to escape - we might even be trying to escape the ordinariness of our own lives, into a fantasy of something else. Before we know it weāre stuck! One day at a time, we try to find ourselves again. The first few steps are big.
7 days is good! Find a friend and take them out to a lunch somewhere, or for a walk. Feel the breeze and fresh air. You are alive and you matter. Congratulations on your first week!
These are the exact questions that are starting to form in my head, too.
I had built up such an identity from substance abuse that without it, who knows? I donāt know even if I enjoy writing/performing music anymore. Or if Iām this loud, spontaneous person who ālives in the momentā that Iāve created over the years. Also realising that that whole personality was an excuse that enabled me to use alcohol and drugs to excess because I was some kind of free spirited artist who lived on the edge, when really I was just an addict, and it got sadder and sadder the older I got
I also kinda have this feeling like, the last time I really had a clearish head and wasnāt abusing substances that badly, I was about 17, which was 10 years ago. And the more I sober up the more I feel like Iām returning to being that kid, and Iāve just basically pickled myself in drugs and alcohol for 10 years, never changing, never growing, because I didnāt allow myself to. So Iām likeā¦what do I do now?
Iām sure itās so common to question our identities when we get clean, Iām sure that weāll figure it out over time and feel so much better for it. This is a really good post, and you really pinpointed a lot of things Iām experiencing too. Iām almost on day 7 right now myself. I have no idea if what Iāve just typed made any sense I was kinda just going with it so I hope it does!
I have heard this said. When we started out active addiction we stopped development. So, in this case yes, we do have to go back and carry on growing emotionally.
Facing all the things we used to drown or escape from when we were using.
Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life.
Seriously, itās taken months for me to face what I would consider every āexcuseā to drink.
Things like therapy, 12 steps, meditation, exercise are all very good tools to help us on this journey.
It far, far more than just putting down the drink or needle.
I had a friend from NA bring her kids round for dinner. It was really really nice. It was a spontaneous thing and Iām super perfectionistic and like was super uncomfortable tryna whip up a meal and not to mention my house isnt how I want itā¦but i pushed through and it was soooooo worth it!!
Duuuuude it helps so much to know itās not just me!! Seriously! And youāre sooo right about the kid thing. I feel like a kid hahaha like Iāve just finished high school and Iām like okayā¦what do I do with my life
Today is a good day. There is something thatās been on my mind, I dont think itās related to addiction but maybe it is.
I talk alot about my emotional turbulence, also investigating things with my psychologist, but there is something weird Iāve noticed sober. I dont know if it is a result of being sober or if it was there all along and addiction was just numbing it. Itās a little scary to share but I feel the needā¦
Physically, I cant tell the difference sometimes between good emotions and bad emotions. One example is excitement vs anxiety. Like before something fun is gna happen I feel anxious, but someone asked me are you anxious or excited? Uhmā¦no idea. To me the physical experience of both are the same. I usually decide if itās good or bad through what it is. Like letās say I experience something deeply moving, a positive situation, I cry because of how intense it isā¦but the feeling is the same as if something bad happens. The only difference is my logic tells me, okay something bad happened so this is a sad feeling. But when something amazing happens and I cry āgood tearsā but it turns south lile straight away and I feel sad. But then Iām like is it sad or just feeling moved. Iām not sure .
My emotions are really confusing and I feel like part of why I get so depressed is because I am perceiving the wrong emotion in a moment.
Iām not sure what to do with that. But I thought Iād share. To put it simply, physically my negative and positive emotions feel the same and Iām unsure what I am actually feeling when.
Thank you for sharing! I dont have much experience with schizophrenia but I can totally relate to thoughts trying to over power me. My mind telling me Iām useless and to kill myself, that things are too difficult and wont ever change. Mg emotions inte sify and somehow validate things that are untrue. But one thing I have is my will. My mind can shout and my emotions can burn, but my will is what I do. And I dont have to act based on emotions or even thoughts; I can act on what is true. And the truth is I am alive, I am sober, I have a relationship with God, Iām building on friendships and positive habits.
I am so grateful for your contribution to this thread, thank you.
Good for you! Totally understand the whole āmy house is a messā feel. Iāve been there & I still get that perfectionistic tug - the āshame gremlinsā (go Brene Brown!) pulling at my heart, saying, āYouāre not good enough, donāt invite people over, your house is a mess. Just stay alone at home. Thatās all you can do now.ā Itās weird right? But multiple times Iāve had people over and realized āOh! They actually came to see me and they donāt really care one way or the other about the house.ā Our shames are funny deceptive sneaky creatures. Itās so important to stay connected with other humans in constructive things like having a meal together (even - especially! - if itās just a simple, quick meal). It keeps us safe.
I experience something similar to what you describe, though not exactly like it and also Iāve got no idea about these things but I really have to analyse what Iām feeling in the moment to really understand what it is, like you describe. I think with me a lot of it relates back to childhood trauma. But it could be any number of things I guess! And maybe the longer someone is sober the more their emotions make sense. Itās good to hear that youāre doing well and dealing with it well though, and working through it
That is so true. I think we addicts spent so much time running that we never developed the - taste for emotion, you know? Like you know with food, there are different flavours you can appreciate, and even sourness or bitterness have a place in good cooking; and some foods have a delicate, subtle flavour. But we addicts have been spending so much of our lives chasing the sugar foods (or whatever our fix is) that we canāt tell the beauty and the delicate variety in our emotional experience.
Itās kind of disorienting, right? Like, what am I supposed to do with this thing I feel. Am I supposed to doā¦ what? I have no idea. So weāre kinda spinning around full of feels and weāre like āI swear to goodness the whole world has this figured out except me!!!ā
Ah well. Life.
I am kind of enjoying some of this emotional exploration myself. Donāt get me wrong - there are times I get so wound up Iām just crazy - but sometimes I hit the treadmill and run out my frustration and Iām pumped. Sometimes I am looking at a tree and I am amazed at how beautiful and alive it is. Sometimes I feel so big with the stars on a clear night.
TV is tricky. Movies too. As I work my recovery Iāve actually cut down my watching of dramas - I canāt handle the intense, concentrated emotion. Comedies donāt seem to be such a problem. But dramas or strong romance I find tricky.
Have you found anything in particular helps you navigate your emotional experiences in a good way, for you?
I think you should too, events that occurred in childhood really leave their mark on not just our memories, but how our brains develop as we grow etc. Can have a big impact on addiction and stuff. Iām no expert though! But it seems like definitely something that would help, bringing it up and analysing it.
