I’m going to tag @Yomomma and @RoadToWellness in here but I’ll keep it a public thread for anyone else who wants to read.
In my daily check in I wrote how my wife separating from me was ultimately the best thing that could have happened. As you may know, my DOC is mainly pornography but I have been addicted to anything that could get me out of reality.
The effect that my addiction had on my relationships was that it kept me from having any real intimacy with anyone. I hid my behaviors and lied and tried to cover my tracks. But no matter what hiding I did on the outside, I always knew on the inside what I was doing, so I stayed closed off to keep from letting the truth slip out.
Anyway, so I started lying to my wife about my behaviors, telling her I had more sobriety than I had, not wanting to deal with her getting upset with me again. I deluded myself into thinking that it would only be once and that would be it. Well fast forward three years and I couldn’t get a week of sobriety. I was going to meetings less and less because I was lying to them about my sobriety, too.
My wife would come to me every so often with complaints that I wasn’t being sexual with her enough, that I wasn’t present enough in the relationship, that she felt unwanted. I would time and time again do the bare minimum to get her off my back and then I would slack off again, go into my world of video games, watching the same 3 shows over and over and occasionally using porn. I was hiding so much that I was afraid that if I opened my mouth up everything would spill out and I would lose her. Well, eventually she had enough. When we moved houses in the beginning of January she announced that she could not stand the thought of me being in the same bed, that she was a stranger in her own house and that I was not vulnerable at all and closed off. She said we need to sleep in separate rooms until she could find a place to stay. At this point I had had at least 15 “second” chances. I blew them all because I was convinced that she would never leave.
I had no friends, all the people we spent time with she knew first. I was afraid of everything. I had a huge tax bill that I was ignoring, hoping it would go away on its own. (It doesn’t).
She said that I need to be more vulnerable, that I need to “open up”. Said that the only way we may have a chance is if I go to therapy and deal with the childhood trauma that I had. So I started therapy.
I started going back to meetings and started being honest with them about my sobriety; that I had none.
I was still looking for the easy way out. I was still using video games and porn to escape from reality. I was just telling people about it now.
In the beginning it was tough. We would fight all the time. There were a lot of tears.
There were times when I would blame her for splitting us up because I couldn’t handle the truth; that it was my fault.
There were times when I was incredibly jealous of her friends, especially the guys.
I thought I was doing enough by just doing a little bit. I wasn’t ready to move into the bigger stuff
In March she moved into an apartment by herself. Now that I had the house free I could do whatever I want, right?
I mean I could have but when I really thought about it, I knew it would never get me to where I wanted to go. I just kept on my usual routine, work, eat, video games, porn, sleep.
One day, at the suggestion of my therapist, I took care of my tax bill. What a relief! Not too long after that I sold my Xbox, it wasn’t giving me what I needed. What is this feeling now? Freedom?
Without that escape I began to read books. I have made friends and call people on the regular.
My relationship with my wife is better. I am honest with her now about everything. She doesn’t know if we can still be together but honestly, I feel like a new person, and as sad and heartbreaking it is to think about splitting up permanently, we are both better people because of this.
I had been given plenty of opportunities to change, but it was only when I was losing something that I really wanted that I had the motivation.
I see her now as a very strong person, I have a lot more respect for her. I am impressed with her ability to stand fast and stick to her guns where it comes to doing what is best for her and her heart.
I hate how this has happened and part of me wants forty lashes for taking so long to grow up. But I can’t change the past.
Thinking about it now, I probably don’t deserve another shot, but I’m glad this happened because she’s happy and I’m happy and I would rather be happy separated than miserable in a marriage built on lies.
I don’t know if this is what you had in mind but this is what fell out of my head. If you need any clarification or wanted something else please ask. I am now an open book.
I forgot to add that since I started using this app and actually counting the days and even caring about my sobriety I have had 50 consecutive days of not acting out. For real. I feel like a new person.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it. Despite being in different situations, there are many similarities. I know that ultimately I need to make the best decision for myself, but I’m stuck in the loop of giving more chances. It’s definitely come to the light since I’ve stopped being stoned 24/7 and I do think sooner than later I will make my decision.
Congratulations on 50 days too! 
That’s wonderful!
Congrats on 50 days!! That is amazing! I hope to be there too soon!
Yes!! That makes things so much clearer! It’s like I had an epiphany!! Thank you! I think I know how to approach it now.
I dont want him to feel that I am giving him an ultimatum, at all. I want it to be his choice. Us separating wont be his choice, but what happens after will be.
He can choose his family and working towards being back with us, or he can choose to stay where hes at.
Like you, he has a lot of back taxes to take care of. That has always been one of the main reasons we haven’t actually gotten married (and his non existent relationship with his daughter).
He makes 3 times the amount that I do, and if he would just put down the bottle (and cigarettes) he would easily be able to comfortably take care of his tax issue. However, he chooses to drink (and smoke) his money away.
We have lived separately for the past four years. I purchased a trailer, and he is living in a basement. I’ve asked to do counseling as a family, he won’t. He thinks he doesn’t need it. However, he had a rough up bringing, with a Veteran father that has PTSD. He also lost his brother, who drowned, as a high school kid. Feeling responsible, started drinking and smoking heavily after that with his brother and close friends who were also witnesses to the horrid event. This same group of boys, still get together EVERY weekend to drink and party like they did in high school. He needs counseling, but he doesn’t see it.
I’m not perfect by any means. In fact, I was probably his worst enabler there for a while.
But I cant do this anymore. I won’t. I just dont know how to get to that conversation with him. I don’t want him to feel as though I am attacking him, cornering him or giving him an ultimatum. I want him to feel that it’s his choice, how this all ends. Because it is.
I dont want to have this conversation until I have attended an AA meeting. I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night with @MandiH. I want to see what its like, so that I can point him in that direction, but not blindly. If hes going to choose sobriety, I think AA or rehab will be the way for him. So i dont want to suggest it without having tried it myself.
If there are any suggestions you have as to ease into the conversation, or to make it less of an attack, that would be greatly appreciated!
Wow guys, I don’t know where this started (although I’m guessing it’s the check-in thread because there are an absurd amount of posts since yesterday noontime) but it’s an eye opener for sure. First off, I know a hell of a lot more about you two than I did before, and secondly, you guys have massive amounts of strength and courage! All of this hit me pretty solidly in the face with the determination y’all have.
That story sounds a lot like me. I have a naturally addictive personality. I used to consume video games voraciously. I played Final Fantasy and would try to do absolutely everything on the game, spending hundreds of hours on the game. Then porn. I think my longest binge on porn was around 6 hours straight. Makes me sick to think about.
Your relationship sounds familiar as well. I have a really difficult time with honesty. I’m just embarrassed. I wanted to tell my wife when I hit 100 days recently, but I didn’t. Thought she’d think 100 days was trivial or something. If we didn’t have all our kids, I’m certain she would have divorced me long ago. Another point of shame is that I feel like my actions have trapped her. Like sometimes I feel like she hates me, but doesn’t want to hurt the boys by leaving me.
Our relationship is definitely a lot better now, but it is far from good. We both have a lot of issues. She has incredible social anxiety. I’m certain that her separating from me would embarrass her to the point of death. Maybe another reason she never left me. She’s also a bit of a perfectionist and doesn’t want to be seen as a failure. We enable each other in our faults.
I feel your struggle. And what a horrible tragedy to happen to him as a kid. And what a tragedy for him to still carry that around. I feel for you guys.
As for suggestions on the conversation, I can only give you my experience.
At the beginning it was agreed upon that we would take a break- 3 months and then we would re-assess- to each work on ourselves. She made it very clear to me that she was not happy with the way things were and that she could not go on the way we were going. Looking back I can tell that she had made the decision that this was how it was going to be and there was no convincing her otherwise.
Keep in mind that us men are programmed to stuff our feelings. And many people think that therapy is for the weak, or they can handle things on their own. We had some previous couples counseling and that gave me a small head start, although earlier attempts to get me to go to therapy failed because I thought we had all the tools from previous, why pay more money for something we already had (I was wrong).
So from the very start it was: her not being able to accept our life together any longer, an agreed upon break to improve ourselves, and she let me know that she still loves me, she just needs to take care of herself.
And something that my sponsor has told me “no matter what happens between you two, you are going to be okay”.
I know exactly what you mean and where you are coming from. As open as I am here and in my group I still haven’t told my parents or my two older brothers about our separation; I feel like a failure in their eyes. Just another one of his screw-ups. This is something I need to work with my therapist on. But yeah, the gaming, the hours wasted on porn, the life that can’t be retrieved, it is sickening to think about. That sickness just strengthens the resolve to never do that again. I’m both sad and glad to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. I hope for the best for you and your family.
Thank you for sharing this. Especially for @Yomomma.
It’s dizzying to me as the last couple days the weight of three years completely wasted to complacency are starting to more fully sink in, also similar to your story. Thank you both for sharing your experience and how far you have come since.
You all are amazing.
Complacency! That’s the word!
This is almost exactly what I was thinking. But 6 months. We already dont live together, and there is at least 3 more years before we can. I think 6 months is reasonable. It gives us both ample time to asses what we want and take action. He may not even want to try, so this could all be for nothing. No matter what he decides, that which is happening now, can’t continue. It’s not healthy for us, or the kids.
Thank you @SmokeyMirror!! Your insight has opened my eyes immensely! Thank you for sharing your story with me, it means a lot to me. Xx
I’m glad I could help. Stay strong and keep on doing what is best for you, everything else will work itself out.
Good luck! 
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@SmokeyMirror Wow! I read your story yesterday and visited it again in my mind throughout the evening. Though our doc was different, the similarities, the mindset, the problems it causes, everything else is the same. Always the same.
Never in my life, do I feel more connected to another human, as I do when I hear or share in anyone’s recovery journey. Thank you. You’re a strong, determined man & you’re doing the right thing. Thanks for sharing. It’s an honor to be a part of your journey in any small way. You inspire me & others every day 
It’s funny when we don’t want to share our milestones at home, isn’t it? For what it’s worth, I think even with your struggles you guys do great! Raising 5 boys is no task for the weak and I’m sure that can also take a toll on the relationship but you guys still do stuff together and appear to connect on things still at the end of the day between the chaos. I’m sure she doesn’t feel trapped, just keep focusing on the good things bwtween you two and I’m sure it will just keep improving! I read somewhere recently about having the parents relationship coming first to all else, including the children was a crazy good idea. Made a lot of sense actually, I’ll have to see if I can find that again to share!
I just adore you two ladies @MandiH and @Yomomma! It is no wonder that the universe let you two become besties. You both try so hard to live really beautiful lives - and you are making it happen, even when it’s tough❤️.
I want to put Rachel and my relationship first though. It’s just tough, because there’s so much demanding our attention.
Do it in your mind, throughout the day… Consciously focus on her for just a brief moment. Remember a good memory, smile about it, pray for her then… Just the act of keeping her in the forefront of your mind consistently throughout the day may turn into more physical feelings of closeness, togetherness & feel more like a united front. It’s a conscious effort at first that will quickly turn into 2nd nature.
I incorporate this beautiful advice (@MandiH) in my own marriage 
I’m so fascinated by what people do and do not share. I share my days with my husband, we celebrate the important milestones to us. My addiction impacts him directly, so talking to him about it and being honest is the only way we could see moving forward. I totally understand not wanting to share, I’m just always interested in people’s reasons to disclose or not.