I’m a huge advocate for time away to take care of yourself. If you feel like you need a break, take one. My husband and I took a break and ended up back together and so much healthier.
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That’s great, I only read it-to be honest I don’t practice this at this time. I’m glad to know it can work, it really clicked for me when I read it! My focus right now is on me, I always come last and give the farm away so I’m focused on my own needs for now-strange feeling. It seemed brilliant though when I read it and just made so much sense! I’ll have to try to find it.
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That’s a beautiful thing girl!!! Yeah, my current relationship is not exactly ideal or communicative-especially about important things, hence the not sharing. Also, big differences of opinions on the subject so I don’t bother. That’s why I have @Yomomma, we support each other in all those ways instead! 
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It’s HARD and uncomfortable and I sucked at it until I was faced with the reality that my dishonesty was going to cost me my marriage to a man who loves me enough to stand by my side through addiction.
I’m glad you have other people to share with, like us!
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Relationships are hard!!! I’m typically an oversharer too, some people can’t handle the random shit I think or say, haha! For me, I had zero interest in being in that type of non-communicative relationship again. I’m too open of a person but my ex of almost 15 years didn’t get to know what I thought about much of anything important- I never trusted him to not manipulate me, tear me down with later or twist it all around to use against me later. (Classic narcissist I learned after) When I got sober, I realized what a mess I’ve gotten myself into again even if it is totally different. He’s a good person, I just don’t think he’s the person for me. I’m just thankful I’ve had her by my side to talk to through everything, no matter where we are at in life we’ve always got each other to talk to and celebrate life with, including our milestones!
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To be honest, we’ve never really shared much of anything. We bitch about work to each other. Other than that, we dont really talk. It’s always been that way, it’s just clear as day now that I’m not high or drunk all the time. He’s never been a big talker, I on the other hand, talk pretty freely. When he’s upset, hes more quiet than usual, so basically silent, until he gets over it. He doesn’t explode, he doesn’t talk, hes a fucking wall. Me, I couldn’t hide anything for the life of me. If I’m mad, you know it. I tend to have diarrhea of the mouth. My facial expressions tell it all too.
I bet if you asked him, hed have no idea how long I’ve been sober for. We dont really talk about it. He doesn’t ask, so I dont bring it up. I had to mention the fact that I am attending an AA meeting tonight, because he has to take our son so I can go.
If and when he’s at my place, he eats dinner with us, but in front of the TV, glued to it. Then watched TV until he leaves. So it’s hard for me to even want to have him here, when theres no quality time. I’ve asked him to leave his phone in the car… that lasted a week, and this was prior to me getting sober. I just feel as though we only had drinking in common. With that gone, and things less numb and foggy, theres nothing really left of “us”.
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What great personal strength and perseverance your story tells. I really enjoyed hearing about it. Thank you for sharing 
inspirational
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You are such a beautiful wealth of information! Yes, I do this now, but I didn’t at first. My first few years in recovery were all about me, just like you’re doing, they had to be! And I was single then, so that made it much easier.
But today, I put my man’s needs first (not in a crazy way or weird unhealthy way) but he takes priority over work, the house, kids, friends, parents, everything! It was a good decision, but a conscious decision that turned into 2nd nature.
No I’m not a Stepford wife or a sex slave, lol What I mean by this is, I value him, his time, his needs, his wants & his voice. I don’t ignore him. I don’t want him to feel as if he’s my roommate. I don’t want him to feel as if he’s invisible in my presence. or at the bottom of my priority list.
And I must say, it’s paid off! I know this, because I used to never do this in my relationships, so I see the difference. The more I place him first…the more he places ME first! It’s a mega huge Win/Win ️
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That’s a beautiful thing and exactly how it should be! My problem is I tend to give everything until there is nothing left of me. I enjoy taking care of people. Bad bad bad habit to get into though without boundaries and balance. When I got sober I found myself asking, “how the hell did I get here again”? A loveless, non-communicative relationship where I spend all my time alone and giving all of my sanity to keep him and his kids comfortable, bending over backwards constantly. I’ve made many changes already and many more are coming. It’s tolerable at this point, I started taking my power back and am not being walked on any longer. I’m focusing on me and my own self love while I still attend to much of the obligations that need to be attended to as well as staying fairly mindful of others, just I’m now making sure I am on my own priority list while I trust the process and see where life takes me! 
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I just want to hug you right now! I’m a former people pleaser/doormat too…but I’m in recovery for that 
Wow! You know what jumped out at me immediately? How strong you are! Seriously the strength to maintain sobriety under less then ideal relationship conditions, is monumental! Kudos to you girl ️
I agree. Keep doing you and slowly re-teaching others how to treat you. Once you feel fairly comfortable in your new sober life (1-2 yrs) make some decisions regarding the marriage. I’ve seen many relationships survive & thrive after recovery. I’ve seen many relationships end because of it. I don’t have a crystal ball. But… while you’re there be there 100%. When you’re ready explore counseling, read books on good marriages, anything that helps you give it all you’ve got. It may work. It may not. But it’ll make walking away (should you have to) easier at that time & help to ensure your next relationship is a healthier, happier one.
Sobriety! Your answers will be in sobriety. They will be vivid & crystal clear in time. Your sober gut sense will serve you well in life. It hasn’t steeered me wrong yet ️
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“He doesn’t explode, he doesn’t talk, hes a fucking wall”
This was exactly me. In fact this could be a direct quote from my wife.
She always said “It’s like pulling teeth trying to get anything out of you!”
What I’ve learned is this is called emotional inhibition. I didn’t know how to properly express my emotions because I never had any practice. Growing up that is what I saw, that was my model; Bottle up the emotions. To a certain extent I felt like my feelings didn’t matter.
She is also a big talker, says whatever is on her mind. That’s how our relationship lasted as long as it did. We had “good communication” meaning she talked and I listened.
It wasn’t until I watched a Ted talk on YouTube by Brené Brown on the power of vulnerability and her one on shame that I started to understand what I was missing. If you haven’t seen them yet I highly recommend them to anyone.
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Oh man, it’s been a crazy ride so far in sobriety with every single emotion I can think of! But, I’m starting to live again. I wouldn’t trade this craziness for anything! It all teaches me something I didn’t know before and that’s pretty cool.
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I will have to look them up. Thank you.
I cant wait to try out this AA meeting tonight. I read the book cover to cover when I was in jail, but I dont recall any of it. But now, I’m open to learning, and I hope this time I will retain some knowledge. I’m also super scared!
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Those talk are awesome. Her books are really good too! Super eye opening.
It’s 9:30 where I am. How was your first AA meeting?
Overwhelming! But welcoming. The higher power or religion concept is something that I’ve always struggled with. I’ve always kind of had organized religion shoved down my throat. But hearing each person’s words and part if their struggle to find their version of higher power, and it being spiritual and not necessarily religious, kinda resonated with me.
I did not share anything last night, but listened. I’m still not sure, if it’s for me. I will go back at least once more to give it another chance.
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Yeah, I never bought any of the god claims, and I was really resistant to the religious aspect of AA the first 2 years. But my appreciation for the spiritual potential started a few months ago, when I realized one simple thing: It wasn’t that important if there was a god I could touch, or not. What was important was for ME to stop acting like I was god. Got some humility, and started turning my problems over to the universe. It works!
To me humility just means recognizing how little I really know, and how little I can control.
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Yes! I don’t know much about my higher power, but I do know it’s not me.
@Yomomma that’s great that you went and got that experience! In my 12 step program we have a couple guys who are atheist and they are able to work the steps just as anyone who is religious.
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Hey @Yomomma, I was just re reading this thread and curious how things are going with the break?
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I decided to wait until after the camping trip, kinda give him one last chance and also see if I can tolerate being around him while I’m sober and he is drinking. It’s such a huge turn off, I dont know that I can look past it. Thank you for checking up on me! Camping is next week…
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