Forgiveness and dating

Life in Recovery
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I have found that I am constantly forgiving myself. At times I think :thinking: I have already forgiven myself for all the very disappointing things I have done. Than some other memory creeps in. 70days sober and I am proud of my self. Any thoughts on dating while sober? I almost went out with a guy I have known for a while he is a great guy but I haven’t seen him in over a year, but turns out we just had some miscommunication so it ended up being a me not going over situation. I put his chats on DND because it was a little upsetting the way his responses were. I feel like I’m going to be alone for a while. Thank goodness for my kids keeping me busy.

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Although I was married while getting sober, so haven’t experienced dating, the usual advice for people is to not date in the first year, and I can think of three good reasons why. 1. Lots of dating is in restaurants, etc, where the temptation to drink is high, 2. Early dating can have lots of highs and lows, which also may trigger cravings 3. Recovery often involves lots of learning about yourself as a person, who you want as a partner may change in early vs later sobriety. Focus on yourself now, and think about being with others a bit later.
And congrats on your 70 days! :purple_heart:

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I had been single for 1 1/2 years following an extremely difficult relationship when I quit drinking. It took getting sober to finally be able to move past it and begin to heal. I was in no way ready to date at all, and I’m grateful it happened that way. This was the first time in 20 years I was getting to know the real me. I don’t think it would’ve been the same having someone else in the picture. Now, 1 1/2 years later, I’m still single and really enjoy it this way. I know myself well enough now to know what I want when the time comes, and more importantly, what I don’t want. Not rushing into something and getting stuck like in the past. Congrats on your time sober! Keep focusing on that for now and there’ll be plenty of time for everything else later :wink:

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Agree totally with the others before me. We need time to heal, work on our character defects and grow to love ourselves again.
Then, we have the knowledge and the strength to have loving relationships, I feel.
Great on ya & your 70 healthy, serene & sane days. No reason to stop now!

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Many people ask this and if you use the search function there is a lot of answers/suggestions….

For me I had done a runner from my relationship across the world just before I got sober so had zero interest in dating early on, I saw several people around me start relationships in rehab and around recovery rooms and the majority crashed and burned, one or two survived but you never know.

I’m glad it happened that way as it took a long time for me to learn about boundaries and respect because when I drank my choices in the opposite were questionable let alone down right stupid. I out up with a lot of shit because I thought I was unworthy of love.

I like Flo’s little numbered reasons too so…

  1. Learn who you really are without booze (it may surprise you)

  2. What the hell would I have had to offer someone when I was so broken and busted up (not a great way to start a worthy relationship)

  3. Having a good circle of same sex friends that can help show what healthy (and unfortunately unhealthy relationships look like)

  4. Sobriety takes work and so does a relationship, which one is truly more important.

Good luck :crossed_fingers:

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I appreciate all of the advice. Definitely made me feel a bit better knowing I am making the right call to distance myself after the text of miscommunication made me a little sad. I have come so far and I had many attempts of sobriety majority only lasting a few days. This is truly the longest I have been sober and I have my moments of dispare or sadness from sitting with my feelings but for the first time this go round of sobriety I feel this is it. I don’t have an urge to drink and I catch myself saying no to even go hang out with friends I know that have a drink or two just so I am not the one around the atmosphere because I know temptations exist. Thanks for the advice. Definitely keeping it all in my pocket to reference when I get those moments of dating and the dos and donts. I like the fact that I am learning myself and the version of me who was great before the addiction of alcohol. Except this time I’m learning so many things I have conquered and overcome with this sobriety journey.

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