Standing, between his life and death with grief and guilt clinched in both hands. Forgiveness, impatiently waiting for me. Standing, trying to be still and know that He is my God, even now. As I stood in the carnage and the ruins, I could not help but think “this must be what King David spoke about, this must be the valley of the shadow of death.” A place where light and darkness exchange glances;
The way I believe healing works is either our brokenness holds the power or our desire to heal holds the power. Staying in brokenness confines us. While it is meant for a season, in that valley of death is not where you want to make your bed. I don’t think healing comes when you stop being broken but rather, when your brokenness willingly forsakes the power that stops you from healing.
I have won many battles and I have lost many as well. Tragic devastating losses. Even now, my body aches nightly from thing’s I could not shake myself fully loose from. The strength inside me does not come by way of power driven demonstrations. It comes from continuously reaching for a God that I thought in my darkest hours met me back with only silence, yet still I reach. It comes from the laughter that rings out of my mouth with a sound that replicates the holiest of church bells, laughter I have brutally fought for and by the grace and mercy of my own God given tears, is how I have finally found my freedom.
Life is far too short and time passes far too quickly, not to make amends where amends are needed. It’s too short not to always reach for hope, even in seemingly dark places. It’s too short not to allow yourself to start all over again. Above all else, it is to short not to give mercy in those times when mercy, does not come easily. Because there is nothing on this earth quite as beautiful as the kind of light that bends itself around the darkest of shadows and shouts “I have been to rock bottom, take my hand. I know the way of escape”. And so I pray, may it never be said of me that I was a victim of the circumstances but rather that I was, a pillar of determination.
And so I walk, into forgivenesses open arms.
