I am (still) an addict.
This is kind of a burst of a realization I had today while working. It’s a big snow storm here today and I realize I was so happy to be able to just stay home and work on my papers all day without having to say anything to anyone. I realize this pandemic is helping my addiction to take over me. It started with alcool all over the place in the first wave, and now that I got sober i feel it’s getting through me under what we could call workaholism.
I realize I’m putting friends appart on behalf of the pandemic and lockdown, but really I feel like I am being selfish. And I rationalize myself by saying “it’s ok, I’m taking that time to work on what I truly want”, which is right, really. I am doing what I want (which is fully reflected and worked in therapy and stuff) and it’s functional and working toward some bigger goals for myself, my future and my couple. I guess I might be exaggerating this workaholic view of myself and it might be reductive. I am still talking to some friend and to my family everyday. It’s just that I don’t see anyone, and I don’t really care about talking for talking without anything new to report. Plus, a lot of my friends are still drinking and I don’t feel the need to just “chill” with someone for no purpose else than just chill.
This is the part where it gets tricky. For some people, it might look like I am neglecting friendship (this is what I feel) and on another side I think I could say that I am acting in consideration of my new needs as a sober person (they aren’t new, but they were hidden under a lot of booze and hangovers and induced mood fluctuations and anxiety).
I don’t know. Maybe it’s that I am still acting like an addict into my activities, which are now mostly related to work. And by acting addict I mean mostly being intense. But what’s the difference between intense, too much, addict and passionate? I would say I’m swimming in a bit of all those… And guess what… I like it. But the feeling of liking it, even if it’s something valuable for society and that is not killing my self (like drinking), well this feeling still make me feel guilty for some reason. I guess it’s because I associated the feeling of enjoying myself with the guilt because I was only enjoying myself through booze. Damn brain.
I guess it’s a process, and by continuing one day at the time to adjust to my needs, reflections, actions and results, I’ll get to a point that it gets easier - in the way that I might know myself better and therefore know better where I’d want to go and what I’d want to do with my life.
Wanted to know anyone thoughts about those kind of experience if you’d like to share I’d be curious and all hear.
Hope you all have a good and sober day ,