My sober date is 09/15/2023 Im 390 days clean off meth and fentanyl. Back then my way of using was IV i was homeless everything i owned fit in a back pack and i was out of friends of any kind. Since then I graduated inpatient and out patient im still in sober living, im even the manager of my house. I have a job that im killin it at ive had 2 raises in a year and im more than likely going to become a department manager with an 11 dollar an hour raise ill know more in the next week or 2.i went from walking everywhere to buying a electic scooter to now owning a 2021 car. I have a 471 a month car payment, i even found a good girl that is a non drinking non using “normie”. Basically aside from some things for the most part all of the promises of recovery are happening for me. I keep getting blessed every day. But often i still get that alone in a crowded room, everythings going to fall apart, i want to use thoughts and feelings. Im very greatful for everything that has happened for me but i struggle with staying greatful. I have a pain in the ass ability to find the negative in everything whether its real or a made up hypothetical. My jobs great but i keep ecpecting ill just get over looked even though i have no reason to think that. My girl loves me so fucking much to an extent ive never felt before. But i either find her a bit to much and want space or i go the opposite way and think shes cheating on me. Or the simple fact of me on drugs equals homeless and loss of everything and me off drugs equals success living comfortable. Yet i still wanna do drugs. Sometimes i feel completely happy everything is positive nothing could go wrong i feel connected, loved, validated, and everything is going to be okay then i have nights like this. At this point i feel like this post has turned into more of a rant than anything but i just wanted to get this off my chest with out worrying anyone in my life. Maybe after i find out if im getting the promotion or not and i know my work schedule for sure ill look into finally setting up a pych doctor.
Being blessed everyday is the reward for all the hard work it sounds like you’ve been doing. Well done. It can be so easy to find the negative in things, if it helps at all, reflect back on all the positives that you just listed off that have come your way as a result of your hard work and let them push out the negative thoughts. Turn that frustration into pride. I think you deserve that. All the best with this new job.
Why not set that up right now? Seems like you’d benefit one way or the other.
Have you told your sponsor about this? What did he say?
Hi joker well done on your journey so far. My heads blown imagining being able to to achieve all of that 
sounds like the addict voice in your head are trying to fuck you right up ! Shut them out as soon as they start . I know you have a programme Are you praying ? ask your HP to take that shit 
Ask for strength guidance and acceptance .you sound like an amazing person start believing it 
I’m trying to stop swearing so I’ll have a word with my HP about that 
I feel you still need to work on new coping mechanisms, on stuff to replace the function drugs had for you. Looking at myself I jus wanted to flee the negative feelings, feeling like you describe. I needed help from psychotherapy and therapists to do something about that. Seems to me you might need some help too. Being sober and clean is not the end, it’s the beginning of a better life. You’re well on your way but we need to get working on being better in all respects. Keep going. You’re doing better than you think!