I am sort of at a loss for words when writting this post. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I’m not even sure exactly why I’m writting this. I guess to finally vent and get it all out in the open… I dont tell my family or many friends what I’ve been going through. And I’ve very very good at hiding what I’ve been dealing with.
I remanded a functional alcoholic for quite sometime. This last year has been a bad turning point with my drinking. It crept up slowly and I would brush it off and drink to forgot. Then over time it started to pile up, and felt like a giant weight on my shoulders. It started to destroy relationships, my mental and physical health.
I’m pretty positive my organs are inflamed, constant pain, driving drunk- wrecking my car, getting in fights and being stabbed, hit, yadda yadda… the list goes on. I can no longer turn a blind eye to these things and drink to forget. I hate the person I’ve become and find myself envious of my life before alcohol.
I am writting this to, well… mostly myself. Its rockbottom for me. I am going to give it everything I can. I dont think I will make it to 30 if I keep this up.
Rock bottom is a good start to work from because the only way is up…
Be here as much as you can, that has helped me tremendously!
We are all here for you!
I, too, was a functional alcoholic. Though now I think in hindsight “functional…” not a very high bar, is it?
And we hurt ourselves trying to hide it. All that suffering we’re putting ourselves through, hoping no one is the wiser. Until it just keeps growing, worse happens, and I’m only fooling myself.
Thank you for sharing this with us, @Dhiggi. Glad to see you again!
“We have a disease that wants to kill us, that doesn’t want us to know we have a disease”.
I realized there is no functioning in alcoholism, and finally getting to that understanding was a hard fuckin road that led to the death of my friend.
I’m happy you’re here. It’s worth it.
Hi @Dhiggi I can relate to your post. The main thing you mentioned was hating yourself…i felt exactly the same! I have tried to stop drinking many times before but that feeling of hating myself was so strong that I knew I needed to change…the good news is you can…i have done it and using lots of group support and self development tools I have been sober now for nearly 3 years… a friend on this forum asked me what the biggest change was for me after 6 months sobreity and my answer was 'I like myself again ( thanks @MandiH )…sobriety works! Good luck and keep checking in on the forum
I know how you feel!!! I had 5 years sober and i messed up. I feel so ashamed and started to hate myself. Today is almost day 2 for me… dig deep! You can fight this. You are not alone. Seek help open yourself to family and friends.
Im praying for you
I’m glad you are here. You can do this, I promise you will get through this, one day at a time. I can relate to your post, the hating and beating yourself down is horrible. I’m glad you wrote this so that you can look back. Once we start to feel better addiction is a sneaky bitch and will try to convince you it’s not that bad. You now have a reference to return to when you’re struggling …I wrote myself a letter and only read it a month or so when I was really struggling. I cried reading it! I forgot just how low i got. It did the trick! It really hardened my desire to beat addiction. It’s a great tool to have in your toolbox. I wish you all the best! Stay strong! Together we will do this!
Hi,
I used to think I was a functional alcoholic. I realize now that it was only because I was setting my own definition. I was actually a DYSfunctional alcoholic and missing out on much in life. Then I hit rock bottom, or so I thought. But I was also defining that. I was not grateful for what I had and each time I thought I had hit the bottom the ground gave way and I fell further. I lost my marriage, my business, my job, all my savings and all my possessions I lost my home and ended up living rough on the street. I still had my life and that was enough to start picking myself up.
I admire the way that you have come now to realise that your life is unmanageable. Whichever way you choose to recover, that is always the first and vital first step. I am not a “12 step evangelist” but linking up with AA was good for me just to know I am not alone. There may be other groups too in your area and on line. Also, when you are ready, share with your family and friends and your doctor. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you may be pleasantly surprised how they support you. We tend to beat ourselves up too much. It is great you are reaching out to people here. Keep reading posts. Coming to terms with your addictive desire opens doors and is a turning point in anyone’s life.
Best wishes for your onward and upward journey!
“Functional.” People told me they couldn’t believe what I was going through when I told them. Some of us get outwardly dysfunctional in the grips of our disease some of us get inwardly dysfunctional and some do both. If you are like me it it was more internal and seems like the only way people deamed me functional was because I held me job in place and kept up appearances there and in other specific social situations but… I was completely dysfunctional internally despite my seemingly functional at times puppet act. I hated myself for what I was doing, the happiness I was robbing myself of by continuing to pick up every fucking day was killing me. My health deteriorated. I used to walk around the grocery store and witness society at large seeming to function without depending on help from intoxication and desperately wish I could just swap bodies with them or some sci fi shit to escape my disease. But of course that’s horseshit and not possible (at least not yet anyway). I had to just stop, to get over my fear of going to meetings and thinking I could do everything on my own. You didn’t write that just to write it to yourself because you didn’t do it at home alone, you did it here where we can hear it and help you with it. And you are a fucking boss for it. Getting help was the biggest struggle for me to overcome to get clear of my disease but it was the only possible way for me to do it. I even checked myself in to inpatient for help eventually. I continued to prove to myself over and over that I couldn’t do this on my own because I never got more than 10 days sober without help. Keep reaching out and getting support whatever that may look like for you. I will do the same because I’m no better and need it too.
…I wrote myself a letter and only read it a month or so when I was really struggling. I cried reading it! I forgot just how low i got. It did the trick! It really hardened my desire to beat addiction. It’s a great tool to have in your toolbox. I wish you all the best! Stay strong! Together we will do this! 
