I am approaching day one again after being alchohol free for one month.
I feel like it’s ok this time because I spotted my triggers and why I picked up again.
I am 49 and I have drank consistently since 28 . Never over did it, but drank everyday. Last 10 years it turned into morning drinks all day drinking until black out. Quit a few jobs and lost one from attendance due to being too hungover sick to work. SAid fuck it, just call out… then head to the store to keep drinking the rest if the day.
Vicious cycle I have been in , drink, sleep , work or call out, waiting for next drink.
My month sober I credit to being here and working AA.
I am on my way to day one again and here is a funny or not so funny reason why I relapsed this time.
Busy day at work running around because my job is active working in a large casino. Feeling fit and good since being sober for 31 days… damn good feeling.
I get stuck almost an hour in traffic around 4 p.m on the way home. Looking forward to getting home and watching my recorded shows, I see I need gas!! Oh my🤪." Must go to gas station before I get home "(for gas right) .
I really was on E and I did need to stop. I felt completely fine for the last 30 days I had lost my cravings. But I always get this creepy humming bird spastic feeling when I drive up to a gas station😂.
So here is me pulling in feeling my heart rate raise… I had cash so I decided to go in instead of use the outside debit (besides we have had some card scamming on this particular location) so yes I go inside. And I am so fine!!! Lalalalala I will take 20 on pump 3 please. Lalalal. Waiting. … cashier says. Do you want to spin the wheel for a possible prize? 
. BAM!!! There it goes. Spin and I won! I won!! I won a free largest size Bub Light. I won it!!! Yippie it’s free.
Cashier said " oh congratulations you won it’s back there on the left, just go get it.
My whole world spun, my whole mind changed in the drop of a pin, my eyes glazed over. I thought… oh I can just turn around and ask someone behind me if they want it And I can say… oh no thanks “I dont drink” stood there glazed over with the 2 voices in my head battling back and forth.
Yes!! Go get that beer you won and drink it!! It’s only one, and you won it!!
No dont do it!! You cant start drinking again because you know the put come!!
Yes get it because you won it!!!
I decided to go get it. I turned around as if my arm was leading my entire body and I had no choice but to follow.
Got it and gassed my car. Looked at an old friend there in my bag.
Yes opened it and drank it in the car faster than you can say stop!!.
What happened from just that one? Well it just shocked the fuck out of me how I am… well girl you had this one so you already have to reset your counter let’s get more. 12 pack of beer bottle of wine later… and repeat repeat repeat 2 weeks. Lucked out because I had a week off and the one day I was scheduled I had to call out (looks pretty bad I am sure)
Called out because I couldnt work I was sick again. Like the flu and depressed and drinking in the a.m.I love how I felt those 31 days… I was smarter, faster, awake!! Prettier… happier.
Off my two week binge now finally I AM DONE, I AM FULL.
All of this out of fucking nowhere!! I needed gas !! I know what I did now!
I know how my demon side tricked me.
I knew all along I always use my debit card outside!! I never go in because it’s always a long line.
I was lured into the quick market , I some how subconsciously walked in? Maybe it was to see if I could find an excuse to buy alchohol.
Day one approaching and stronger again!! Just lots of anxiety about calling out from work. Embarrassed and worried.
People are really gossipy at work and I know they get pussed when you call out. My paranoia about work makes me want to drink again now to just forget about it.
Yes still here and I will get sober.
I really did learn alot about myself since that relapse. I cant have one drink
Agreed for sure now
I know the relapse is a serious thing, but the story was funny. I can hear the two voices battling inside your head. I’ve been there many times myself, driving to the liquor store, stopping at the lights thinking maybe I should turn and not go that way, no go anyway, no don’t go, back-and-forth
Well that sucks. I am glad you are back here and back to sobriety.
Thank you. I will get this thing down right!!
Yes those voices are both pretty powerful aren’t they! But I think the negative voice is even louder sometimes, so I really have to fight it
It’s so easy to think we can be casual drinkers, but we just can’t. I get the anxiety about ppl at work talking, it’s the worst feeling. You’ll get back on track! Wish you well.
How do you deal with that feeling? How do you not care lol. They talk about everybody who leaves the room, then about anyone who is off.
Me having the week off because of labor and then being scheduled one day and I call out. I have this fear if walking into my shift now. I have actually quit a job before because of this.
I know they dont really care about me lol. I dont hang out with any of them, or trust any of them.
I just want to know how I should act when I walk into my next shift. I get really weird about this for some reason I will worry and worry
It’s hard… Thinking about what ppl say or being confronted about my drinking at work is a feeling that can’t be described. There’s probably no worse feeling. I had a bad hangover day Monday and I’ve dreaded every day at work since. Time is the only thing that will make it easier, and hoping to stay strong so days like that never happen again. I know this is hard for you too but you’re definitely not alone. I’ve learned at work people forget. Someone else will screw up and be the new topic of discussion. As hard as it sounds try to focus on just getting yourself healthy and less on what people gossip about. I really wish the best for you!
Thank you so much!! That’s what I needed, helped so much. Thank you I feel a bit better sleeping tonight
Go to meeting get a sponsor wish you well
You’re welcome, I hope that can really help you. I wish the best for you!
You’ve got this, @Fireball! I know you can do it! You’re a fighter, I can just feel it! Sending hugs and prayers your way!
Thank you that helps! In day 2 and feeling confident. I wish you well!! We can do this
Stay strong! 
Best wishes!