It’s almost as if it’s a battle between yourself and yourself. Like why would I do it over and over again when I promised myself I wouldn’t. It’s the first sip that tastes terrible and something in your mind says go ahead it’ll taste better just keep going so I do I keep drinking until it tastes better. Then I wake up wondering why I feel so terrible and I look to the side of my bed and it’s an empty bottle, a cup of whatever mix was made sitting there all warm and watered down from the ice. Staying in bed and rushing to the bathroom every 10mins for hours and hours wishing the pain will go away. Telling myself I’ll never do this again. Just to finally feel better 24hrs later and repeat the same steps you did the days before. Why do I keep lying to myself why can’t I shake this off
Welcome to TS , Keey. You are right about the battle between the self and the self. It does seem like that. But it is a battle between your true self and the addiction. Your true self wants to stop this vicious cycle, and your true self brought you here. You are not alone, and you are not defective. You will find lots of inspiration, support and guidance here. Spend some time here, have a good read around, and see what you find helpful. Hugs and well wishes to you❤️
I feel this so much 
Welcome Keey! 
I had that same battle until I finally surrendered to the fact that my way was working and I had to reach out for help. I found that help in the rooms of AA. Hope you find what works for you.
If I always do what I always did, I’ll always get what I always got.
This has been me and my battle for 20 years. I got pulled Wednesday of last week. I got my first DUI. It was enough to encourage me to get this thing called sobriety done. I grew up and my family luves in TN and that is where i got the DUI. I now live in WA so come Jan i have to fly back for court not to mention all the fees involved which is already over $5,000.00. I hope sharing my story helps someone get and stay sober.
What is alcohol doing for you? Every addiction does something for someone. Or else nobody would do it. Maybe addressing that could help.
I know what it’s like to be caught in the cycle.
Awe no sorry to hear that. I’ve been in many situations that could have gone wrong drinking and driving that’s why I told myself no more depress drinking driving to parks because by the time I’d leave I’d be effed up to where I don’t even know when or how I’ve gotten home.
At first it was because I hated myself and wanted to die so I figured I’d drink myself to death. Now it’s apart of me well my body feels that way. It’s almost like food and water we need that everyday it’s like my day won’t be complete if I don’t have a drink. And once I have that drink I have to be effed up or else what’s the point of the first drink. I know I don’t need it but it’s like a kid in a candy store I just gotta have it