Getting back on my wagon

Relapses
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Thank you Techno. I am not doing well in that regard to be honest. I am taking just tablets that can be bought over the counter in a UK pharmacy, so it is a low dose, and I am following the guidelines on taking them. You should only take them for three days, though, and this is my fourth day. I’ve also bought tablets online so I have a supply.

I do feel fairly confident that I can stop when I have to, though I may have to taper off a little.

To be honest, I’m taking them as a painkiller for the physical pain I’m feeling as a result of rejection by the sex worker with whom I developed an obsession. Sorry if that doesn’t sound credible to you, but it is how I am experiencing this.

I am still sober. And I hope that the end of the most acute withdrawals from alcohol will come soon, and that will allow me to make some steps in other areas.

In my head last night, I committed to getting back into exercise. It’s possible I will do something today.

I attended counselling this morning. I cried. It’s the first time I’ve ever really fully disclosed the extent of my sex worker addiction to anyone. I hope that will be a positive step.

I also talked about the extent to which I feel my life is completely divided in two. I have a Real Life, to a degree, but where I struggle to stay engaged, and, really, struggle with everything. And I have my Secret Life (the drinking, the drugs, the sex workers), which allows me to survive in the Real Life.

I’m still here. I’ve still got some hope. I will still carry on.

I’m grateful for your time and support.

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I would never deny someone’s lived experience as they see it. You’re feeling pain and you are trying to make it better. Can I suggest though that your pain might not be physical. It feels like it is, but trauma can present itself physically. I certainly have experienced that. I am not doubting you at all - just trying to think of it a different way

I’m glad you are going to a therapist and even better if it’s someone you can really open up to - which it sounds like it is. Really proud of you for being honest. The mental healing might lessen your physical pain.

I’ll be checking in with you re the codeine. I’ve had family members disappear into that kind of addiction. They were only using over the counter stuff. Except it ended up being a LOT of it. Like alcohol it’s easily available.

I think all addictions are in some way our inner selves trying to cope with the outside world. I’ve not got to the point yet of realising that not drinking/using is more enjoyable. That voice inside is still trying to pull me back so I don’t have to face the raw outside world.

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I appreciate it Techno.

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I know this life very well…

Glad you got to express some of this stuff out loud to a counselor. It’s helpful, I’ve found, to speak it out loud to someone.

Rooting for you :100::people_hugging:

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Thank you, Ethan, I appreciate it.

I want to put a warning on what I post here. I’m getting back into recovery, but I’m still going through some stuff and I’d like to be honest here. I may post things that seem permissive of my addictions because I’m wresting with this stuff. Let me know if I break any rules. I value this community and am grateful for it.

I’ve spoken a lot to my counsellor about this split life I have. And how necessary it feels to me. And how long I have had it - since childhood really, certainly since puberty.

At the moment I’m five days sober. That’s a good start.

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I think I might be messing up the threading here with my replies.

I’m very grateful to have had support here. Thank you.

I’m coming up to six days sober and it is encouraging on the app to see the health improvements.

I cut down the amount of codeine I took today massively.

I got through the day by using pornography a lot, drinking lots of soft drinks, and trying to get engaged with my work (always a struggle).

After work I did a fairly big, hard workout session. Exercise has helped me, and it feels very useful right now.

It feels rather brittle and fragile but I’m moving on.

Sometimes it hits me how at risk I am and how bad I’ve been. This double life, which includes decades of cheating on every partner I’ve had (two), with sex workers is completely secret. I am world-class at lying and hiding.

I had a big moment of clarity towards the end of my binge. I was lying in bed, drinking vodka and watching porn, and I thought: “this is what being alive is.”

So, that’s a challenge to overcome. I rarely feel very alive in my real life. Rarely enjoy anything very much. I think of life as suffering and endurance and I’m usually relieved at the end of each day that it’s over.

I’m probably overstating that because of my current doldrums, but it’s true for the moment.

I can only keep trying.

Thank you. x

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The six days of sobriety is a win; especially if that’s your primary drug of choice…

The other stuff is a work in progress.

I will say, using a secondary drug, to cope with abstinence from your primary drug, is not the healthiest way - but, we all do it or have done it most likely.

I wish you the best on overcoming everything that steals your freedom and peace in time.

Keep fighting; you can do it.

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Still sober, that’s good. Still taking codeine and managing withdrawals. Still using porn to manage the pain. Still struggling with the obsessive thoughts. Lots of anger and pain. Lots of guilt and shame. Lots of fear.

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Thank you Ethan. It means a lot to have been heard here.

I am now a week sober. I should be moving beyond the physical withdrawals from alcohol now.

I do have a sort of plan for how to get out of this. It’s not ideal, it involves painkillers, lots of exercise, a date when I see my therapist, and more.

I hope I can do it and I believe I can.

The obsessive thoughts and behavioural issues are going to be with me for a while, and I’m just going to have to endure these for a while. The addiction is to messaging as much as actual encounters, that’s always been the biggest thrill for me. I’m working on it. I work out a lot.

I am least eating more healthily than I have been of late and that’s a positive sign. I’ve been better engaged with my work today.

Thank you. On we go. x

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Lots of positives here…

A week sober (!:tada:).

Date to see a therapist.

Eating healthier.

Engaged at work.

These are the signs of one determined to win at sober living…

We are always here for you; you got this.

As you said… on we go!

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Thanks Ethan, I really appreciate the ongoing support it means a lot. Interacting online is all I have to be honest in this journey.

I’m still sober. I’m still taking codeine. It’s still too much. I have a plan for stopping that that I won’t go fully into here. And I’m still smoking.

My plan is quite largely built around making my Real Life manageable and enjoyable enough to reengage with it properly. I’m not without problems with obsessive thoughts. And I’m not past making plans to act out. If I’m honest about it, that’s what I spend most of my time doing. In exhaustive and dishonest detail.

I’ll work again tomorrow. I’m largely on my own over the weekend. My plan for coping with that is mostly built around doing a lot of exercise. That is starting to engage me, and I’m finding the planning of it interesting and rewarding.

I did a short meditation today as well.

Thank you. On we go. x

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8 days sober. Good.

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Well done :clap: So glad to see things going well for you. Small steps create long miles. Steady improvements will get you where you want to be. :light_blue_heart:

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Thank you Techno.

Still going along. Still sober. Still struggling with the other stuff, but with something like a plan (in my head) for that.