Getting back on my wagon

Relapses
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Hey. I was sober for 12 years on June 1 this year. About two weeks ago I relapsed and went on a very big drinking binge. The drink I drank at just past midnight last night I intend to be my last. I drank a lot the past two weeks and I think I have an element of physical dependence, but I don’t think it’s enough to be dangerous, so I’m not getting any medical support for this withdrawal.

I’d like to check in here to get through this difficult early stage.

I’m grateful for any support, of course, and I will try to give back a little.

Thank you. My timer is on one day, two hours and eight minutes.

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Definitely check in here regularly and read all the advice. It’s helped me get to Day 51 today and those first few weeks were quite challenging.

Stay strong. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Mistakes happen. It’s how we deal with them that matters.

:light_blue_heart:

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12 years…wow! Great job!
You will overcome this relapse and go on with your sobriety journey..you can do it!
We are all humans and make mistakes. Dont let that phase pull you down.
All the best! :light_blue_heart:

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Twelve years is amazing. Welcome, Colin. I hit twenty days today. A small stepping stone really, but it’d have been very damn near an impossible feat if you’d asked me to do this just a couple months ago. One piece of advice I’d share is something I’ve been told here and from other addiction professionals in my life: Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think most people are hard enough on themselves already, without adding the shame and guilt that comes from this addiction. By no means am I saying not to own your mistakes and not to learn from them - but you can’t change the past so there’s no use dwelling on it. Be forward focused. Move forward, one day at a time. Good luck, you’ve got this.

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Thank you so much for the kind responses. It’s been really helpful to see what you’ve said. I’m doing OK. It’s hard. But I made sure I had lots of fluids and easy to prepare food in the house. I’m not far off making it through today sober now. One day. One day. What a win.

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Welcome to Talking Sober Colin!

I’m so sorry to hear about your relapse after 12 years (which is an amazing stretch of time by the way)! I know how it hurts- I’ve relapsed after 2 years and 1 year. Do you know why it happened? I’m glad that it sounds like you know how to take care of yourself during this time. Remember that your 12 years aren’t gone. I’m glad that you’re here with us. We have your back during the difficult days and as they get easier to bear. Welcome again!

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So glad youve found us @tryhardercolin

What worked to keep you sober for 12 years? What thoughts were you having leading up to the relapse?

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Welcome to the community!

12 years is amazing!

I’m sorry that you suffered a relapse, but I’m glad that you came here for support during your restart…

In reality, although you have to reset your timer, it’s not really a restart. You literally have more than a decade of insights, wisdom, and practice at living a sober life.

Keep applying what you know. And, check in often to get that boost that you need.

Happy to be rowing the boat with you, mate!

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Glad I found this thread, it’s always good to find someone in a similar boat! I was sober for nearly two years, two years ago and I relapsed myself. I’m finally taking a stand again and this time I will be going to meetings which I’ve never done before. It’s really encouraging to see someone with so much time under their belt also return here at the same time with me. I’m on day one today, and I look forward to hearing more about your journey and sharing mine too!

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Thank you for all the kind and supportive comments, which I read while feeling pretty down and found very helpful. I’m grateful.

I’ve done three days now and I hope things will start to get easier physically now. During this little binge-relapse I also started smoking again after about 10 years free of that. So, I have nicotine gum to get past that.

Welcome aboard JW Fletcher! Great decision, I’m happy to see you here and happy to send you love and support as you get back on track. Well done!

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Four days. Still going strong.

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Catastrophic binge over the past few days, including compulsive contact of sex workers and pornography use.

I try again today. x

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Sorry to hear about the binge relapse…

Glad you came here to share and get some support.

A few days ago, I saw some content on YouTube (an ad) that was pretty triggering. I actually watched the ad two or three times -

That pattern is normally my entrance ramp to seeking porn, masturbation, online live chats with sex workers (and, if I can get away with it, in-person episodes with sex workers).

I don’t feel great about re-watching the ads, but I’m super glad that I decided to cease, desist, and turn away from that path before it led me off of a cliff - because, I really, really, really don’t want to be that guy anymore.

*What triggered you to start on the path that led to your binge?

**What were you thinking, feeling, going through?

***What thought can you reflect on, in the moment, to pull you away before you fall from the cliff?

****What steps can you take? (After I turned away from that ad, I came here to this community. I checked in, to read around, to be encouraged and to see who I could encourage.)

My phone lock screen has this message:

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f8a45992cd387d71c5a72d92cb8a37ce480×854 24.1 KB

What can you change to avoid the same outcome in the future?

We’re all rowing the same boat together…

I’m rooting for you!

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Thank you Ethan.

If I think about that, I think that it’s always in me. I knew this binge was coming somehow. Drinking is the only thing that has ever made me feel normal, ever given me peace. I was 12 years sober and I tried so hard, but things just built up.

The sex stuff I find harder to understand, but that’s also always been with me. I’ve suppressed it. It has never gone away. I was always seeking sensation from my childhood on.

I’m trying to get diagnosed with ADHD but I’m just in a waiting list that goes on forever.

I’m deeply, deeply unhappy somehow. Deeply, deeply scared all the time.

I’m not in a very good place at the moment because of alcohol depression. I’m sure I’ll feel better soon.

Thank you. x

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Wishing you the best, through your struggles…

It’s interesting, because we’re kind of opposites.

For me, the primary drug of choice is the sexual acting out. Alcohol is my secondary drug of choice - I’m not addicted (I don’t feel the same uncontrollable “pull” to it, although I do miss it), but it’s very bad for me when I do drink - it opens up doors that shouldn’t be opened… I decided to quit both at the same time.

Let’s keep rowing the boat, @tryhardercolin -

One day at a time.

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Thanks Ethan, I wish you the best too my friend. I think you’re making the right decisions. Through my sobriety, my sex addiction got worse though it was always there as a compulsive behaviour.

A long way to go but I keep moving forward.

I’ve set a simple goal for my sexual behaviours, which is not to check on or message the sex worker with whom I developed a recent obsession. It’s hard, but it seems the best, measurable first step. I’ve set that up on the app and I’m 17 hours in.

I’m 1 day 10 hours sober and feel relatively secure in that and confident I can return to full sobriety.

I started smoking cigarettes again during this Lost Weekend. At the moment I’m letting that ride, but that has to stop too.

I’m taking codeine painkillers to help me with the alcohol withdrawals. This is not a good idea, I know, but I have a limited supply and no way to get more easily so I’m confident that will come to a stop too.

I reached out for some medical support yesterday. I have counselling on Monday, some coaching coming up, and I’ve been referred for relapse prevention to the local mental health team (with an up-to-eight weeks waiting time).

It’s very hard at the moment. I’m sure it will get better.

Love to you all. x

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Look at all these steps you are taking. This is such a positive position to be in. Now, we all just need to work at the next hour, 6 hours, 12 hours, and the next day. Give yourself grace where appropriate eg the smoking, but push yourself in other places - such as engaging with medical and psychological support. We are all cheering you on :clap:

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This is just a little bump in the road. With 12 years of experience under your belt, the muscle memory will come back quickly. Good job coming back!

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Thank you everyone. I remain sober, and looking at my app that’s three days and 21 hours. To be honest, I feel fairly secure in that.

I’ve started smoking cigarettes again, and I’m just not yet in the right headspace to stop. I’ve also been leaning on codeine painkillers that I started taking to get me through the alcohol withdrawal. That too is starting to be an issue. As for the sex worker issue, I feel completely powerless in the face of it and totally in mourning.

Like most of us, I know, I have “broader issues” with my life, what it is, what it means, where it’s going, and I’d describe what I’m going through at the moment as a bit of an existential crisis.

Every day seems to last a million years. Anyone else get this?

Still, at least I’m not drunk.

Thank you everyone. Your words mean a lot.

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Please take care with Codeine. It’s a really difficult addiction to shake off if it takes hold :green_heart:

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