I wish i had good advise, but i dont. It reminds me of my situation. Similar feelings.
Mine is to busy for me but is going to Bali Indonesia to chapperone her neices graduation trip. I wanted to go to Costa Rica. I may go by myself.
I know that i dont have to drink over it. I know 100 percent that it wont help me. It will just make me push her further away. Ive already been there and done that with her.
I dont want to be controlling, but i have trust issues. I dislike jealousy, yet im feeling jealous.
One of my biggest challenges is trying not to drag the past into the present.
My ex wife was scandelous. She lied all the time.and when i learned the truth it was more hurtful than i ever anticipated. I get scared to invest into this relationship because of the past.
Right now, Im focusing on me. I keep doing the next right thing for my sobriety, and my serenity.
To me it sounds like you didnāt want to commit to going with her so she made her own plans. I can see why youād be upset but also it doesnāt seem like sheās been that unreasonable to me.
Had you told her this? Because if youād just said āIm not sure yet, maybeā then that gives off a different vibe. As above, maybe just a good lesson on the value of open, honest and kind communication?
From a pragmatic perspectiveā¦ You knew she wanted to go away for spring break so have the dates there, itās not like you didnāt know she wanted to go away. Youāre invited to go along but it sounds like itās not going to be that convenient for you with work anyway and youāve got a trip to Italy planned. If you can make it work nearer the time and want to go along, that option will be open to you
I appreciate all the insight and its all very useful.
I just cant stress enough that im happy for her going away and making her own plans. If was that I didnt even get a text before hand. I just got a text ājust booked a flight for a trip to mexico!ā
I think its just going to get chocked up as a learning experience. I have certainly learned.
I feel like she should have run it by you. I am absolutely with @EnoughsEnough. Especially on the part about this being how boundaries are set.
Howeverā¦
You are gone 2 weeks at a time and are struggling to stay sober. Those are two things that are very hard to deal with and Iām sure some āgrabbing life by the ballsā is good for her mentality. If you were a healthy part of this relationship, meaning sober and in recovery, this would be a little alarming. You arenāt, which means sheās also living in an unhealthy mind space, so her actions arenāt going to be based around your needs. They are going to be based on her own.
I had to sleep on responding to this thread. You know that I care about you and want so much to see you start succeeding. At this point itās got to come from a place of firm handed, honest love. Make it to a few months of healthy recovery and sobriety before you expect things to be based on the āweā.
Ok, Iāve been married 20+ years, never divorced. Had my own ups, downs sideways and inside outs but we grabbed onto each other and will NEVER let go so Iām going to give some advice and you might not like it.
Iām going to be blunt. How many times does she have to ask you and getting the āOh I donāt knows. Itās not the right times, Itās too hard to change my schedulesā does she have to listen too? I counted about 4 in your first paragraph but YOU are hurt? Hmmmmm. Maybe a kick in the stomach but in her eyes sheās tried to get you to commit on a trip. So COMMIT.
Put yourself in her shoes, she has asked, asked asked and asked. According to your post, you had an excuse each time and Iām sure that hurt her too, so instead of asking again she took control and booked a trip. Good for her.
Now, hereās an idea on how to fix it. Help her pack and tell her to have a great time and you are happy for her. When sheās gone open a savings account for a trip with her and plan tentative dates. Put the money you would have spent on alcohol or drugs into the account, doing this will also give you focus and help your sobriety which is a WIN. When she gets back SHOW her what you are doing and your trip ideas and STICK TO IT. Another idea is if you can, try and switch your work dates and go with her as you stated she invited you.
My heart is in the right place and I really want you to work it out, so I hope this helps. Good luck.
I agree with this. As she told you, sheās so used to traveling and didnāt think anything of it. You canāt expect her to life to stop because you arenāt available to do things with her. My 2020 goals are to travel and get out more and Iām an independent contractor in regards to work. My boyfriend has to request time off from work. Iām not going to not book my trips because of his limitations.
Well, you are dating, not married, so it really is not necessary for her to run her plans by you. She is a grown independent woman. Would it have been courteous to mention it, yes. Necessary for her? No. She is an adult making her own life decisions, as are you.
This can be a good learning experience for you both. It sounds like you have learned that you want a closer collaboration with her. Certainly if you are sharing a roof and life, then she should consult you in regard to trips and suchā¦even if to simply let you know she is planning a tripā¦this would be something to discuss for future travel planning.
When you are both rested, together face to face and feeling good, have the discussion, so that you can both express your needs and where you are at.
Although I see where the OP is coming from shes 30. She can do what she wants. You can either go or not. Those are your options. Are you sure its hurt you are feeling or the fear it fills you with of her going away on her own on Spring Break without you, and you have zero control over the situation?
Iād look at it a different way. Let her go and just enjoy the time to yourself to get a little bit better each day and let the absence make the heart grow fonder. She deserves a life as much as you do brother. Maybe get out of self a bit
Ive never had a problem with her going. Its not that at all. It was the lack of even a heads up that she was concretely booking a trip without even giving me a chance to go. It also eliminated our ability to go.
Of course its my fault but im way above not wanting someone to love their life. The non communication on something that affects me is what upset me.
Oh no, Iām not saying you hurt her intentionally nor should you feel bad about not being ready. I just wanted to open your eyes to her view and side.
Good luck. Hereās another thought to consider, maybe your emotions and sensitivity is elevated due to the sobriety process? Not sure where you are in the withdraw/detox scale so maybe. I know Iām unusually sensitive right now. Hang in there, we are here for you.
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Maybe a kick in the stomach but in her eyes sheās tried to get you to commit on a trip. So COMMIT.
